It’s a Long Story. Grab Popcorn.

February 8, 2015

Well this week is going to be pretty monumental…I mean on top of studying I have to finish this “first episode” of this talk show. Can I do it? I start shooting tomorrow, I really hope I’m happy with it…I know that I’ll have to really step up and not have such low confidence. I have to use my speaking voice and I can’t be embarrassed. I have to give it my all and I have to keep it going without ever stopping. Even if I get 2 views….I have to keep trying and never stop that’s just the way it has to be. After all this is just the first episode, so it might just go well. I have to draw people in with my music…by my music I mean my rearrangements. I have to complete at least five episodes before I start posting stuff…man hope it works out. Yeah a lot of things are happening this week. I have to date Raeleen this Friday, return books to ACC and of course Study to no end. Also tomorrow I have to fix my piano part for Tyler’s song. So it’s a lot of things that are coming to a climatic explosion this week. I think that’s why today I’m kind of taking it easy. I didn’t study at all today or do anything really. I did learn the majority of the FFX-2 opening theme which I think will be the opening for the show that I put on. Hopefully this all works out.

I know I sound pretty frantic huh? There’s only so much one man can do. But I just have…to do something to turn people’s head and get some attention. I tried talking about music, but all that got me was the “shhh” no one likes to think about that stuff. If people did like to think about music, then “art music” would still be popular…no this day…this age…videogames are the highest form of art. They are the things people like to talk about and think about the most. Therefore I will as well. That’s just how things are going to go. I’m going to start off with top 5 and top 10 videos because that’s what a lot of people are into…I’m not exactly planning on people to watch the first one really…It’s just to get my feet wet. Kind of like the first Rock Show…which I may bring back and tell people to watch if this starts working. I hope that it does. So I might as well tell you how my day will hopefully go tomorrow. I know If I don’t get to shoot tomorrow, then Wednesday will be a definite. I hate when people look at me like a dumb ass like “You’re not supposed to be doing that”. Wish me luck….I have a feeling this is the first chapter to the meat and cheese of my life….

…or the last chapter to a miserable life…




February 9, 2015

You know every time I write in here I always think about that song from Golden Axe. That video game on genesis…the song in between levels as it’s showing you where the next stage will take place…I’ve always thought about that song…but I’ve never written out that fact you know? Today didn’t go exactly as planned…I didn’t get to shoot the first episode of this “new show” I have planned…however I did do what I was planning to do on Wednesday which was…record the music for the new show.  Since you can get flagged on Youtube for using music other people recorded, I’m just going to rearrange and pull piano rearrangements and play them on piano.  That’s what I mainly did today…other than study my ass off.

I’m working on a song about my experience from U of H…I don’t know if I wrote about it…but I don’t think I did. It’s kind of a big project for this band. Hm…for now, let’s refer to the band as Dancing Spira. …because it’s probably going to be a long time before we name the band….nonetheless we’ll have a practice tomorrow which means before the practice I gotta work out some piano stuff for Tyler’s Song “Long Live the Rhythm”. I didn’t like anything I was doing for it the last time we played it. I guess I’m not too good at improvising on keyboards…that’s always been one of my weaknesses. I’m used to just having stuff written out and following the sheet music. I can kind of do stuff on the spot though…it just doesn’t sound as good as to when I write it. I suppose that’s something I need to work harder on. Then after Tyler’s Song will be Chris’s song which doesn’t have a title.

It’s funny when I study Pharmacy; I’m taken back to those times before music school and before the brick wall. I remember how peaceful I was you know…life was simple and things were easy…but eventually I was unhappy because my music was fading away. I thought I needed to do music in college otherwise I’d just get lazy and neglect it. So I guess now it’s all about forcing me to do what I love. No instructor is going to tell me how to get better anymore. I have to find out for myself. Pretty soon though…before Thursday…I have to go back to ACC and give back those books…man it’s just so hard because all of them had so much faith in me…and you know it’s kind of a fragile subject for me to talk about. They knew how serious I was…they knew I bought a Marimba…and they probably know what happened…or maybe they don’t. Worst case scenario is that they don’t have a clue…which is probably the case. So whatever day it is I better be prepared for one sad day. Maybe I’ll do it Thursday…before they have Community Band…and I’ll just tell everyone the truth. “I’m finishing Up Pharmacy”. I’ll probably only talk to G and G is probably the person who knows the most about me. From those long talks going and coming from San Antonio for All State Band. Spira…that’s a good name for a band…at least that’s what I think for the moment. Tomorrow will be a pretty easy day…hopefully. Just gotta study and fix piano stuff…shouldn’t be too bad.

I don’t know if I’ll keep posting these to Facebook, but then again I don’t really care who sees these. It’s not like I write anything bad, I guess that makes me a boring person. Ha Ha. Or I write stuff bad and I don’t notice. Either way I’m at a cross road….I have to upload these somewhere and I don’t feel like making more accounts.



February 10, 2015

Well today went pretty good. The Spira Band is going well and all is going well. It would appear I’ve made my own path in life…it appears that studying for Pharmacy will take longer than I anticipated though…there’s just so much to study. The original plan was to study the material for two weeks and then take the test…but at this rate it looks like it’s going to take me longer. In all honesty it’s like learning a foreign language. Skills are skills though and once I get it all down I’ll be that much cooler. I’m already understanding the lingual of House and medicine commercials…so that’s a good sign right? The band went good today…it seems like any tension that existed before has disappeared now…probably because we’re all so honest with each other. I had a lot of ideas for Tyler’s song and I voiced them in fear of sounding controlling…but they took it and well it was awesome. Plus the ideas panned out so that’s all good. So now maybe I won’t be so afraid to voice my opinions anymore. Tyler sang for the first time today. I could tell he was nervous, but that went away pretty fast. Yes. It looks like this is all going to work out. We’re all getting pretty comfortable with each other.  Playing Smash Brothers together really helped that out.

For those who don’t know…this is the part I address the title of this chapter. I write my journals in chapters now…I believe this is chapter 18 now. Usually whenever a notebook ended that’s when the chapter ends…but now I’m just going by year. Chapter 17 is lost somewhere in my house. Chapter 8 was apparently burned by Justine…so if I ever put these in a book I think it’ll be cool to just have those holes in my life. I know I’ll eventually find 17 in due time…but now I’m on a tangent. I titled this chapter “Somebody Save Me”. I started writing it write after the U of H brick wall. I have another typed chapter titled “Departure” which mainly deals with me preparing for an audition. When I started this chapter I immediately named it “Somebody Save Me” due to obvious reasons…usually I name the chapter after one of my characters or just a cool name. You know? So the journal is like a person I can talk to…because I don’t usually vent to people…but lately I have…that’s a good thing.

Tomorrow is the day that I will be pretty sad, maybe…or maybe I will just feel really enlightened. I guess there’s only one way to find out. I have to give those books back…I feel like it’s some kind of test reality is putting me through. I mean I meant to give these books back a very long time ago…but for some reason odd things kept happening to where I couldn’t because she wasn’t there…and the times she was there…I’d forget them! No more running though. I can’t have Anthony do it…I think that this is something I have to do…time to be a man.

Spira…I don’t know why I’m sticking with that name…maybe because I’ve been thinking about Final Fantasy X…and how it relates to me right now. Well in the game, there’s this giant being called Sin that destroys cities and kills people every once in a while.  In tradition, a magician called a summoner goes on a pilgrimage and learns all these techniques to defeat Sin…but by defeating Sin, the Summoner has to die. When Sin is defeated, there is an era of peace…until the next Sin comes…then the cycle repeats itself. The land where this is all taking place is called “Spira”. I read that the game uses the meaning



Spiral to represent “the spiral of death” that these people keep going through. How does that relate to me? Well…it’s kind of  odd to write about, but (spoilers)…in the game the main character wants to find another way to defeat Sin because he is in love with the Summoner…even though everyone including the Summoner tells him it’s impossible. What does he do? He does the impossible. It turns out this other route that they took actually destroys Sin for good thus ending the spiral of death. Hmm…so maybe the band should be called “Forgetting Spira”. I don’t know…ha I guess I’m getting ahead of myself…another way it relates to me is that by doing what I’m doing there’s a good chance that I’ll lose the one I love…even though things are going good now…I don’t know. It’s getting kind of late though…so…I guess I’ll get back to studying.

February 11, 2015

I did everything that I set out to do today…yeah that means going back there, but I didn’t run into G because he was out on a San Antonio trip for TMEA. That’s right. I had totally forgotten that it takes place in February…and I was there the last two years. Instead I ran into Sameer and Joe which was pretty nice. Also ran into Stephanie and old friend and kind of practiced saying what happened without saying any of the negative stuff to her. Not that I needed to, but it was cool to talk to an old friend. There’s just something about ACC that feels so nice I can’t explain it…maybe I just like that small atmosphere. Talking to Joe was pretty nice. He reminds me a lot of Johnny. We’re always at each other’s throats, but we know when to stop and care. Joe is basically the same way. I was a little scared everyone already knew my fate because as I was dropping out I sent Sameer some extremely odd texts…so for some reason I thought he’d just blab it to everyone, but he didn’t. That’s kind of a good thing, but I’m sure they’ll know after today. I mean now Joe knows and he’s closer to the teachers than Sameer is so it’s only a matter of time. Maybe Sameer was just tired today…he seemed pretty mad. He probably has a lot going on in his mind these days…I don’t blame him.

I recorded the first episode of this new show thing. It took me awhile to get started, but once I stopped caring about how I looked and sounded I was good to go. The whole thing was pretty fun, so I think I’ll keep doing them because well they knock me out of reality for a while. They might suck, but I don’t really care. All I care about is the piano arrangement I’ll be playing in the background. Oh yes. That’s my secret plan. They think I’m just a gaming nerd then BAM! Buy my music, buy my music…ha…well that’s what my fantasy is anyway. Whether or not that actually works doesn’t matter…I’ll keep doing them because they’re fun and I enjoy pretending I’m on a show. I used to record myself when I was a kid and pretended I was doing a radio show. This kind of took me back to that…but back then I was always someone else…like one of my characters…or a celebrity…one time I was Arnold uh Swartzi…I can’t spell his name.

After I did the show I found myself alone which was the perfect atmosphere for….studying! Or so I thought…for some reason I couldn’t focus in my room…all I wanted to do was go to sleep, so what I eventually did was take my flash cards outside and walk around while reciting the brand name and generic names of these drugs. Even though it was lonely I still had my dogs Rock and Hank to talk to


because…well I guess they’re into medications. I make these odd analogies…like for Cymbalta….cymbal…playing drums makes one happy so it is an anti-depressant…What about the generic name? Dilo Brown plays the drums because he’s sad…Dilo sounds like Dulo…Dilo always says “It’s Dilo time!” so the generic name is Duloxetine. So odd…Dilo Brown is a pro wrestler who doesn’t play the drums and never says “It’s Dilo time”…but in these flash card scenarios anything is possible. There’s also some gross ones that I won’t share…

I had so much stuff to do and I finished…still have to find a good restaurant in Pearland though. I’m never good at picking places to eat…but I have to be a master by Friday. Driving is the scary part though…I know I’ll do fine while I drive…in fact there’s a zero percent chance I’ll totally screw up, but for some reason I get the willies whenever I have to drive somewhere new. I wish my Zelda amiibo would just take over my brain and do the driving for me…oh wait I’d have to teach it too huh? Seriously those Amiibo kind of creep me out.

February 12, 2015

Man I took a pretty good nap today when I was supposed to work out. I don’t know why…I suppose studying really took a lot out of me…that’s basically all I got done today. In all honesty though I didn’t plan to do much today other than study and mentally prepare for tomorrow. Now I’m looking at restaurants…then I’ll probably do a late night work out…and then work on some music stuff. I have to redo that show because I sound way too monotone for my own good…hmm….maybe I’ll shoot two of them. If I rehearse them both, they really shouldn’t take too long. I gotta also remember to not wobble. For some reason when I talk for a speech, I wobble my body back and forth like a lunatic. The review is actually pretty funny. I can imagine it on Youtube with 4 views and just one dislike.

Yeah I don’t know why I was so tired today. I woke up to a documentary about bears that my dad was watching. It got me thinking about reincarnation…but no I wouldn’t want to be a bear…I’d much rather be a killer whale. If reincarnation is true anyway…it’d be cool if it were. Then you know, we wouldn’t have just one life…guess that would make anyone’s suicide pretty pointless. Yeah that’s what happens on a rather uneventful day. I went outside to study again and wanted to fall over so many times. I looked like a drunken maniac. In the morning I mainly talked to Raeleen on the phone, and that was pretty nice. She sounds excited about tomorrow…and I am too. Technically this is my first real date too. Age 22…finally date…ha…I guess that’s what happens when you wait for a girl who’s not allowed to date. Suddenly, you find yourself in the same boat. It’ll be worth it though. I think I’m getting paid tomorrow too…so It’ll be a good day…even if I get lost…a few times.

It’s funny what pops up in my Youtube feed. The stuff I end up watching is quite ridiculous. Of course, there’s the gaming stuff, then there’s the science stuff…I’ve always been interested in astronomy. I look up a whole lot of things on different religions and no matter how broad of different religions I’ll look up, I’ll only get atheist videos in my feed. Can you believe there’s people on Youtube who actually make a living off making fun of Christians and being Atheist? That’s pretty crazy. I’ve seen some of their videos and most of the time they just sound so condescending…as if they’re smarter than everyone around them. Even though most of their views are kind of similar to mine…I think they just present it in a negative way. Other than that there’s Pro Wrestling because well…I’ve always loved pro wrestling. Lately I got into Lucha Underground because you know…they actually wrestle on that program. WWE has basically gone down the whole which is a shame because I grew up watching it and for a lot of people it’s hard to watch any other program…but as it turns out…just about any other program is better than WWE…but we don’t want to hear about wrestling do we? FYI there’s also people who talk nothing but wrestling on Youtube and make a show out of it…but in order to be successful at that, you’d have to talk about WWE.

Maybe I’ll go for a run pretty soon. I do feel kind of fat. I finally weighed myself today and it turns out I weigh about the same as I did during the “Ghost of a Midnight Jaywalker” music video. That’s what I kind of go by. “Cross Face Josh” was my heaviest. I try to stay the “Jaywalker” weight or lower. I think “Freedom” I was the lightest though. So I’m going to try to get there again. Yeah time for a late night jog. See ya later.

February 14, 2015

Sometimes I’ll skip a day or two…that’s just how the journal works. That’s usually because I like to write at night when everything is already said and done. Usually when I’m doing something at night, I don’t write that day, and yesterday I got home at about eleven thirty or something and my brain was tired. The date went pretty good. I didn’t get lost, I didn’t freak out. I just did everything normal, so I guess that’s me at my best. We saw this movie called the Kingsmen or something and it ended up being one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time. So now whenever we hear about that movie or see it again, it’ll bring us back to the time of our first date. I also played Call of Duty with RJ her brother and as usual I got my butt kicked. It’s kind of funny…every time I play a game with an adult; we usually end up playing Mario or some other Nintendo game. Whenever I play with a kid, we end up playing some violent game. Nonetheless, I have no idea what her family thinks of me…but I do hear good things…maybe we’re all just a little shy.

Driving there was pretty funny. I mean I think this is only the second time I drove to Pearland…so it’s all kind of odd because I’m not used to so many people. I wasn’t really scared though….I don’t know, but I think I’ve begun to find it kind of relaxing. Even when she was in the car with me I still felt relaxed. For some reason, I would only get nervous when I was about to drive…I guess I’m weird like that. Maybe that’s why I end up getting to destinations thirty minutes earlier than when I’m supposed to. I remember in high school I wrote a paper about how terrified I was of driving…and it got a perfect score. I think it was on my TAX test or something. I remember giving it dragon characteristics and stuff…that was pretty cool.

You know it’s was a little hard to take in while I was sitting there playing…Call of Duty…that someone was perfecting their appearance just for me. I did the same for her too, but it makes one feel pretty special. I can see why people go crazy to have someone fall in love with them or to get a girlfriend.  They just want the same satisfaction I suppose. They want to know that they mean the world to someone and the feeling is mutual. That’s why people go crazy over jealousy and all that stuff. “It’s me or nothing!” I probably think like that too a little. In fact I’m probably just generalizing myself and an unlucky few. She ended up looking pretty darn beautiful…even so, it wasn’t so nerve wrecking. We already knew each other for so long so it wasn’t really hard to be myself with her. That’s probably the best date anyone can ask for. We didn’t have to play mind games like they do in the movies. We already know how each other feel, and I think that’s the beauty of it.

I had a dream I was still at U of H…actually it was a nightmare. In the dream I was still doing what I’m doing…the pharmacy, the band, the show etc.… the only difference was that I hadn’t dropped out. I was just letting myself fail all the classes like a dumbass. It was pretty scary. One of the teachers pulled me out of class to talk to me and it was one of the dudes from the Kingsmen movie. That part was pretty cool though…I think a few other people from the movie made it into my dream…but I remember feeling that sinking ship syndrome, you know, when everything is falling apart and there just really isn’t anything you could or could’ve done about it. That feeling sucks.

I just realized this is the first Valentine’s Day where I’m actually here. The past two years I was always away at San Antonio for TMEA. That’s pretty interesting…

February 15, 2015

Apparently whenever I go out and do something…I find out that everyone is an expert…or at least they try to make it seem like they are. I know it must feel good to have done something someone else is about to do…you know so you can have that mentor ship. It must feel good. Maybe? Whenever I’m an expert at something people usually divert from whatever it is I’ve done and ignore it. We can’t have Josh be an expert at something. “Oh he’s learning too much about music! PULL THE PLUG AND STOP HIM!”. Erase the mentors and see how he does on his own. Sometimes it feels like a conspiracy…but don’t worry it’s not. That would require someone to be crazy right? Because only crazy people believe conspiracies…or at least that’s what everyone hopes when they go to sleep. It be nice if everything that was told to us was just true. We go to Heaven, we fight for freedom, bad people go to hell, and everyone in the middle starves. I don’t want to see the world in the light. Just let the darkness cover it because the world. The real world is ugly. BUT everyone is an expert on it right? Or at least they know a bit about it and will talk to you as if you know nothing about it. I eat apples. Apples are sweet; I bet you didn’t know that right? But you did know that…in fact, you invented apple sauce. So why should I even talk to you about apples? But I didn’t know that. THAT feeling…is the greatest feeling…When someone pretends to know about so many things, but you know more about the subject. Just let them talk and let dance in their own ego…that feels good. Notes clash, the cadence isn’t written right. Who the fuck cares? I love Mozart and Beethoven, Chopin, Berlioz and all the greats…but the sad truth is that Music Theory is just a theory. Actually no it isn’t. It’s just another art of doing nothing. Who are we to judge what sounds good and what doesn’t. Equal Temperament? Oh now you want to restrict sounds and only use those pitches? That’s what sounds good! This is what people have agreed that sounds good! Now let’s study music that most people think sound boring. Then lets twiddle our thumbs and pretend we’re better than the people we see on the Grammy’s. Kayne West huh? How laughable. Now I’m going to go back to writing music that a few rich people and fellow music snobs pretend to care about…none of them actually will.


That’s just the way of life I suppose. I’ve sure you’ve witnessed it…hell even my cousin in Middle School has witnessed it. I guess it’s just going to keep on coming and all we can do is lay witness with it. It’s like we’re at a party and everyone is dressed accordingly living normal lives…we are the ones with our shirts un-tucked  trying to get a dance with the fair ladies…but we reek with lack of self-confidence. Typos of words we should know are written all over our faces, because we know we don’t know what the rest of them know. Even so we’re so fucked up…we still end up getting the dance with the greatest of all ladies. We didn’t have to smirk and pretend like we knew what was going to happen. We didn’t have to put everyone else below us because that’s what the higher ups say make a made man. We did everything with honesty…and when the smirks turned their backs…we immaturely give the middle finger. We are the strange party guests…”how did they get in here? Where did they come from? Never heard from them…uh oh…they’re saying stuff that I never wanted to here. They’re doing things I never wanted to see anyone do. They’re living life like rebels. They don’t care if they die today or when they’re old. They don’t have to say anything…I can see their flaws and strengths all in their honesty…no mind games…no fake personalities”. That’s the life anyway.

In all reality though, we still get the shit thrown at us. When I say “us” I really don’t know what the hell I mean. The Strange Party Guests is what I mean. It’s the opposite of hiding in plain sight. It’s kind of equivalent to a Zebra walking to a herd of lion. No one will believe the poor bastard will make it out alive. He is a cool Zebra though. Some Zebras call him suicidal…others call him an idiot…but all Zebras don’t have the fucking balls to do what he did. What did he do? He successfully made those lions his bitch. Now all the lady Zebras are after him…ha…what does he do with all those lady Zebras? He feeds them to the Lions and laughs…because he’s an asshole. Then he dies a happy Zebra. Still don’t know what I’m talking about? Why should I even tell you? Are you one of the strange party guests? Or are you just another person lying to everyone about how special you are. Not that I’m special…because guess what? I think I only understand about 10% of what I’m writing. Maybe a psychiatrist can “diagnose” me with something and give me some Schedule I or II medications(there’s that pharmacy tech knowledge).

All in all nothing to serious happened to me today…once in a while I’ll just come up with this stuff and write it down. Just had a usual Sunday John over and me taking a break from studying and stuff. Break time is over. “Strange Party Guest” Is the name of one of my songs that I may post later or something. I guess I was thinking a lot about U of H today and the study of music in general. I’m starting to wonder if Mozart, Beethoven, Uematsu, and all those other guys gave two craps about Music Theory…nonetheless though…I’ve found it pretty helpful.

February 16, 2015

My brain feels like mush by the way. I’m sure it has something to do with all of the studying I did. It’s kind of hard to study for this thing because most of this stuff you have to kind of figure out yourself. Even when I was taking classes for it, the classes were pretty much blow off classes and back then I really didn’t care. When I woke up, I quickly went to work at it. I know I complain a lot, but I



remembered why I hated this path. Whenever I look up stuff about being a pharmacy tech I always read about the hellish stories that come with it. Everyone either seems to be extremely happy about it, or extremely angry and sour. I’m not sure which boot will fit me though. Sometimes I tell myself that’s the reality of any job. There’s always going to be a whole lot of negativity that surrounds it. The whole thing kind of makes me sick. It seems all I wanted in life was to find something that made me 100% happy and have 0% negativity, but that’s really impossible. Oh well…At the same time I think I’m kind of used to be used and condescended to and all that pharmacy techs complain about nowadays…so maybe it won’t bother me as much. I’ll just think about that strange zebra.

I re-arranged Andy’s theme from this fatal fury game that’ll play in the background of this new show. I put a violin and piano and it sounds pretty cool. Speaking of that show, I kind of had to restart everything from scratch…but no worries. I think this way my heart will be more into it. I kind of wish things would happen faster, but I think I just need to be patient. It’s like I’m planting seeds while I’m starving. Hopefully I won’t starve to death while fresh onions are growing beside me. That’s beside the point though. Tomorrow will be another band day and hopefully we can get some work done. I have to work on my keyboard part a bit more though, so I’ll probably do that tonight. I was planning on doing it earlier today, but by the time I got to the keyboard my brain was just so out of focus. Maybe it’s all because of Monday and I had a rather eventful weekend.

Wow apparently I haven’t even written about my new song. One of the bigger projects I have going on. It’s called “After the Atomics” and it’s a real epic one. Epic sounding like it’s a motion picture movie. I can’t believe I never wrote about it. Wow. I haven’t worked out the lyrics yet, but basically the whole song is written out and it’s probably the most well written song I have right now….though it’s a little hard to compare it to my String Quartet. It’s playable and maybe it’ll be the next song we work on after Chris’s song which we’ll do tomorrow. So I guess I still have some time to fine tune it and stuff. It’s very danceable. There really is no verse chorus verse thing going on…you know explaining it really doesn’t do it justice. I guess we’ll have to wait and see how it sounds!
February 17, 2015

I didn’t get to study as much as I really wanted to today. I guess there were just too many distractions today. Too many sick people ha ha. It’s a Tuesday so the band came over and we went over the Chris’s song…just as planned. Surprisingly, we’re getting everything down really fast. Almost too fast which means, we’re gonna need to brush up on some things. Tempo, dynamics, all of that Jazz…the annoying part of making music. I kind of find it fun being the keyboard player. I remember when Chris and I started Phoenix Splash I was planning to be on the keyboard and Chris was on Bass, but then we couldn’t find a drummer. I guess those things are hard to come by. We could always easily find a guitar player because that’s the instrument that most people want to play. Everyone wants to be the star. In return the only way we were successful with other guitar players was when we only played their music.



Once in a while Chris would get a song or two in…most of the time my music would go unnoticed. One reason being I hardly knew how to write for guitar and therefore the part would come out strange, but I think even when I finally did, it still went odd. I always wanted to put another voice in there other than guitar. The keys and guitar would go in tact…which is a hard thing to do compositionally. Whenever people write music they have an idea usually only for what their instrument is doing, therefore they ignore the other tasks of the other instruments. If you have the guitar playing the chord progression, it’s a little strange to have the keyboard part doubling it. In fact it’s a little pointless unless it’s playing in a different register. Usually in my song one is doing the chords while the other is doing either a melody or counter melody. Well at least that’s what I did now.

With Phoenix Splash it was easy to get carried away…because they keyboard by itself could have multiple instruments playing at the same time. Often times I would write an oboe part that would come in at only one measure and then never play again which is something I heard Shiina Ringo do…but now I try to avoid that well…because my composition teacher told me to. When I was taking comp lessons with Doctor Steve, he taught me that every instrument should be equal and you have to treat the players with respect. I learned this while writing the infamous 15 minute String Quartet. I had the cello doing something simple in one movement for a long time and was told that the cello player would feel disrespected…so now whenever I write a piece I try to make every instrument relevant to the entire piece. I love Shiina Ringo, but she did a no no…but maybe she wanted the oboe to be special. The song I’m talking Shuukyo which happens to be one of my top favorite songs of all time.

I showed them After the Atomics and they were pleased. They called it the best thing I’ve ever written…so maybe it may top the string quartet, but I don’t know. The quartet may still be number one though. I don’t know personally, they may be too different from each other. I really have to thank Dr. Steve for After the Atomics…man he taught me so much. I also have to thank U of H for it too because it’s basically about what I felt during that time…but the band did well today, and it sounds like we’re going to be at this as long as we want. I think I’m being labeled as the Dream Theater guy, Tyler the pop guy, and Chris the punk guy. I’m not going to lie, I never was a huge fan of Dream Theater Ha! But I think I’m done with writing pop songs… nothing against them, but I just want to go crazy with dictation I suppose. I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll try to write masterpieces. In my next song I’ll use a cactus.

February 18, 2015

A typical Wednesday…it seems to be the day I get the most work done…but I didn’t really get to practice today. That’s okay though. I made a lot of headway on studying drugs that hopefully I won’t forget by tomorrow. Studying is pretty much the same thing as practicing anyway. I finally did the rendition of “The Show” and now it’s perfect…so that project is underway. They’re pretty easy to make too so we’ll be seeing them soon. It’s just a little experiment kind of like the Akubi Project…only this time (gasp) it’s not totally original. No one is original these days. All my originality is basically going into the band and maybe once I find time for it…my game.



Everyone in this band has one thing in common. We’ve all been put in situations where we basically got screwed over by the world. I’m not going to go into detail about how Tyler, Anthony, and Chris go screwed over(basically). They were talking about the band being named something around that and I think that’s a good idea. Spiral of Death may be a little too dark…I mean it’s not like we’re all going to kill each other…yet. Well at least there’s no sign of it yet. I’m kind of worried Tyler might be thinking about beating up Anthony…I mean the looks he gives him sometimes. Ha…well yeah there’s that. I always feel better when the band is over. I feel like my life is moving forward. Hell even today I feel that way because everything just managed to work out that way. It’s the good stuff and I just hope it all works out.

I don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow though. Thursdays are kind of confusing. I know that I have to study a good chunk of the day, but I haven’t mentally planned out the rest. I guess start writing the next episode and work on this song I have in my head. It’s fun to write those….music and these little episodes that I may not be doing too well. I guess only time will tell. I wish it were easy. It’s easy to come up with the material…it’s just hard to get it relevant. Especially music…you know people don’t want to think too hard about music. Reading has kind of evolved in that way too. People don’t want to think too hard about stories anymore. The top films are action with very little meaning. At least I think. I don’t know about that fifty shades of grey movie. I just keep hearing bad things about it…but that’s beside the point. Art is kind of dying I suppose. Maybe we should start coming up with gimmicks. Gimmicks are cool. We’ll dress in tights and wear make up and say we’re the best because we’re the only ones who do that. KISS makes me sick sometimes. I never realized when I was younger, but they wrote a song about a sixteen year old girl…that’s kind of odd.

Well I guess the only thing I can do now is keep pressing forward. I heard this song in my head where a girl just starts singing by herself and then the instruments come in. It sounds a little bit like that song from Death Note…but I think I can make something out of it. It would be cool for the group because Anthony kept brining up that girl we could use for one or two songs. This could be one of those. It’ll be really creepy…but not as creepy as that KISS song. Ew…. I wonder if they still play it.

February 19, 2015

Maybe I’ll get it right this time or maybe it’ll all just crumple. Maybe I’ll keep getting interrupted and maybe I’ll just keep getting disappointed. I want to live in a world that holds up to my odd expectations without realizing I’m the one that is odd. Disappointment… In the end I just disappoint people and I keep on doing it. No matter what I always see the disappointment in their eyes wishing I was someone else. They’re not alone in that department.  People want me to be part of someone else or be someone else entirely. Sometimes I think the world hates me and there’s this big joke that everyone is in on. I always have had low confidence and whenever I feel proud or like I’m somebody…it gets thrown at my face…this is similar to the relationship to the pie and the clown. The clown never gets to eat the pie…he only gets in thrown in his face. It’s no wonder why the clown has become so creepy…but that’s what it is



you know? It’s a broken record set on repeat….I feel like this is the longest the tune has played before repeating again…but nonetheless it has repeated. It’s so bad that I don’t even want to tell it to anyone…but by putting it on here I guess you’ll hear about it anyway…which is a way of telling someone. Stranger…or someone who’s just curious on what I’m doing these days. Maybe you’re an old friend who I don’t even talk to anymore…or someone who has heard of me in one form or another. Hopefully you’re not one of those creepy girls who post bra pictures…and then tell people to skype them…all because I friended Eddie they’ve been after me. If you are one of them then do me a favor and stop…My goodness…I’m so disappointed in you!

I feel like I want to scream sometimes. Maybe I’ll write a song where I do. It would be cool I mean I know it hurts your voice and all, but you know everything hurts anyway. Fight pain with pain right? No one likes it when I scream in fact most people I know don’t like it when anyone screams. I’m not a big fan of screamo, ut there are those songs with this one big scream….like…Kodou by Dir en Grey that just get it 100% right. It’s the perfect scream. There’s also a song by At the Drive in that does a pretty good one. Of course the singer of Dir en grey has gotten so many surgeries, but that’s not the important part. He’s still singing. He’s okay. It doesn’t do too much damage…and that bugger screams all the time. I feel like screaming now, but tomorrow I won’t I know I’ll feel better by tomorrow…and if I don’t? Then I may need counseling so they can put stuff in my head. “Oh…you’re just sick…here’s a pill” Lazy bastards. Not that I’ve been to a shrink…well in Junior High I basically was at the counselors most of the time.

I remember in Junior High all of a sudden I freaked out…I got so terrified of what people were thinking about me and stuff. It got so bad that I would make excuses to avoid friendships and say the dumbest things. I was so awkward and silent…but that was the beginning of my ear training. Even now I can easily focus on conversations from afar. In middle school, every time I went to the counselors I once heard someone in the office refer to me as the crazy kid…very silently…but it was there…the students were far worse though. It was cool to hear when someone liked me…and then their friend would dismiss the notion by saying “Oh no you don’t girl that boy crazy!” I don’t mean to be mean or anything, but the opposing girl was always African American…you know it was probably the same person every time. I think her nak=me was Makala or something. In high school it got worse in freshmen year, but I never went running to the counselor…I just put on my head phones and shut them off. I stopped acting weird and just cared about making music…then no one cared about me. It’s funny…when you’re crazy and don’t want attention, you get all the attention in the world…but when you make music and try to be creative you have to claw and fight for the attention.

Then again maybe the school was taking precautions because they thought I was a maniac and you know…silent maniacs in schools are probably someone to keep an eye on…I guess all of it kept piling up…nonetheless it drove me crazy. I don’t know why I’m thinking about all of that. I had some cool friends in high school and middle …but like elementary they all moved away. One by one. Well most of them. Hope my new ones stick around for good. I mean after all I’m psychotic so I’ll just make them stick around. Even if I have to tie them up. I don’t need Seroquel though…ah! See what I did there?



February 20, 2015

Man I love the sounds of violins. I swear they never let me down. I wish I knew a real violin player who was like the greatest violin player conveyable….the fun we would have together. Nonetheless…I hear violins in my head a lot and I never really understood why. I’ve always preferred the beauty of the instrument over others. Damn…the whole string family and not just the violin…but man. I guess I like my keyboard. It plays everything pretty well and it feels pretty close to the real piano. I wish I was a keyboard. I would be able to play anything and I wouldn’t care about anything but playing everything. I uploaded “Strange Party Guest” did you hear it? I don’t mind if you did or not. It’s kind of an experiment. It started out as a song for one of the games I made. It comes out when you’re at a party well obviously. It turned out pretty good though so I decided to record it. I hope you like it, but like I said before…I don’t know. Kind of wish everything was just set in place and not so chaotic. I guess that comes with patience though. Lately every little thing seems to anger me as if I had some kind of problem. Maybe I do have some kind of problem, but then again the more I view the things that anger me, the more sense it makes to get angry.

Key change… The mood is brought up a little higher. You feel that much more excited. Something is about to happen…good or bad the feeling is all the same. Sometimes you look for that, but sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you just want to be comfortable.  I think for the most part I have to get out of that spiral. I know things are going to annoy me and I just have to get annoyed and move on…because there’s no real way to not get annoyed. All you can do is give the middle finger and move on…because nobody really cares how you feel….even though you try so hard to avoid hurting feelings of other people. They won’t give the common courtesy. Maybe they’re still laughing behind your back. Either way it’s enough to drive someone mad…but I can’t be mad while listening to Ryan International. So I guess I’m sad…yeah I think that could work.

I guess in the end people are too wrapped up with themselves to actually give two craps about other people. Keep in mind I said “I guess”. I don’t know and you probably don’t know either…because none of us are experts. Ahh…I think I’m calm now. This is probably an odd entry, but I don’t know how to feel right now obviously. I’m just mixed of so many things…but fear is definitely taking up more space than it usually does. I guess when you find out something isn’t right that you thought would always be right…it just scares you…just a little bit…or a whole lot.

Wake up…maybe it’s all a dream.






February 21, 2015

Nothing like a good Jam…or rehearsal to make my day. Man we’re getting better by the minute and already have kind of a set lit going. Though I think each song isn’t finished yet…by unfinished I mean there needs to be a little more work to them…basically dynamics, harmonies, and what not. I think I mentioned before. Chris wrote a song and he’s making me sing it. It’s a little different from my usual style so you can probably guess that it’s pretty challenging for me. On top of it I have a piano solo within the song. So if you were to watch us live and hear it, you’d probably assume I wrote it…well without knowing anything about Chris. If you know Chris then you probably know that he wrote it mainly due to the nature of the lyrics and style. I actually did okay now that I look back. It was my first time singing it. The main thing I have to do is memorize the lyrics and then I’ll have everything down. I pretty much have all my keyboard parts memorized. The good thing about playing keyboards in a band is that it is nowhere near as hard as playing solo piano. Solo piano you basically have to play…the entirety of the song. With a band you have the guitar and bass to cover notes for you and of course you have vocals.

So rehearsal went well.  On Tuesday we’re going after “After the Atomics” a song that may be surprisingly easier than we thought…or hard as we thought…hopefully not harder than we thought…then we might have a problem. Whenever I play music that’s when I feel the most comfortable…it’s like “yeah, now we’re moving forward”. I have to make myself feel like that with pharmacy. I have to try to get into it for now…then when my music takes off I can forget all about it. Yeah I said when this time. After rehearsal Chris and I watched a classic Jackie Chan movie. RUMBLE IN THE BRONX!

For some reason Jackie Chan has been making appearances in my life. I’m not really sure what it is or why he’s deciding to…but man…I really want to see his new movie. It just looks really cool. He also has an autobiography that he’s written I hear is pretty good. Maybe I’ll read it one day. I think the last thing I’ve ever read was a pointless text book. It would be good to actually read something worth reading for once. Rumble in the Bronx has always been one of my favorite Jackie Chan movies. I don’t know why. It doesn’t have his best stunts or his best fights…but the story reminds me of “Final Fight”(that video game no one will know when they read this). Jackie Chan is the man…and that’s a fact.

I think what I have to do now is just push passed all the negativity…replace it with high hopes and high fives. I have to smile even though I look creepy when I do and ultimately creep people out…. most of all though…I have to be patient. I can’t rush everything and expect it to be perfect. I have to make it all perfect. Don’t worry I’m not planning on being lazy. I’ll always be at this. Whatever “this” even is. I notice though…when I work too hard I literally crash, get depressed and fall asleep…and ultimately nothing gets done. So I think I need to watch myself. Somehow…or maybe all of that would happen anyway…oh well I’ll figure it out later. It’ll all work out in the end…but I have to do it and not expect any handouts.



After the Atomics Lyrics:


Oh say…can you see…by the dawn’s…yellow bright…we’d watch the grass grow…and we’d wander.

Pray that we know…when the sea…turns to snow… Our hearts melt lightly…and we wither….

Say…what you will…we can sing our good byes…and dance in motion…under starlight.


Your eyes in mine… the light in yours…what a blissful journey at our mercy.

The tides are coming…open your eyes and say Hallelujah! (Hallelujah).

Clench your hands in mine (my mind is sweaty…the wind is taking me)

Unravel your wings (the shock of terror, colors the night ridden sky).


Cry to the sky! We are all gonna die! The way your tears fall makes us wonder…

You were the one… who was strong…all the time…and now you’re flowing…down the river…

You stare at me…with your sad…broken bars…and now my tears flow on your surface.


….I’ll always remember the outlines of your brace….


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