More of my Soul in Words

February 22, 2015

I guess I’m going to start putting lyrics in this journal. It’s something I didn’t really do in my last typed journal…mainly because the majority of music I wrote was instrumental…the lyrics were usually in another file…but back in the day when I hand wrote everything I would put my lyrics in my journals. I don’t think I’ll upload them to Facebook though. Or maybe…I would if they were finished…but the fact is that these lyrics could change any moment. I remember I used to love hand writing things. I even hand wrote an entire score of music. I think I did that twice…once before I had a notation software, and again when my computer broke. One of them is gone…I remember I let Mr. Beiner (from high school) borrow it…and needless to say I never saw it again. That one and a few other scores that were from my old computer. I did it again during my pharmacy years….for Stand and Stare, the first Phoenix Splash song.

Handwriting things gives you time to think about every word or every note that you’re writing…but in the end…for music anyway…it became really time consuming …especially when I already know what I’m going to write. Now I only handwrite when I want a rough draft and there’s no computer around. I’d mainly do it at school…but now that I’m always with a computer I find myself not doing it as much.

I have three ideas for new music; one is a combination of Hungarian Dances by Johannes Brahms…a cover. I don’t know exactly how that one is going to go whether it be good or bad, so there’s a chance it may be scrapped.  Another is one where a female is singing in the beginning…I think I’ve explained this one before. It’s meant to surprise whoever listens to our album and expects male vocals…plus it would be cool to write for high melodies. That song is 100% doable. Maybe I’ll force Raeleen to sing it. Ha…I wish…I make her talk in some of my songs. She’s said poems for “Blind Angel” and “I walk into the Abyss”. She’ll probably have a say in After the Atomics. Maybe…we’ll see because there is this one part that needs some Raeleen. Plus there’s more material I want to say in it…or maybe I’ll get her to write it. Something like that. I remember in High School I always had this song where I would play a soft harmony while she sang…I don’t know why I had that fantasy. She’s not really into that kind of thing, but that’s okay. It’s a good thing I didn’t have odd fantasies like most teenagers have. It was always some romantic movie. Sometimes I’d see a cheesy romance scene and just replace the actors with us. Cheesy…so very cheesy…I guess girls like cheesy though…yet for some reason hardcore punk girls seemed to like me…probably due to my hair. Then once those hardcore girls found out who I was…well that was a different story. I wouldn’t say they hated me though…well I wouldn’t even know. I’m not really good at that kind of thing.

Chris and I like the band name Separation Anxiety. It’s a disorder and Marvel used to name a really cool comic series. We also like Carnage Theory…a name I came up with a long time ago. Ha. Maybe Carnage from Spider man can be our mascot. We also like Midnight Roses. In fact I really like Midnight Roses. The only problem is…neither of us came up with it…it was created when I was in middle school by a good pal Keith…but I’m still throwing it in the wraps and if it wins then I’ll beg or something…but we really need to name the band and stop thinking so hard on the meaning…but we’ll see. I’ll come up with more names in a bit. As for today…all I did was study and run…and think while studying and running. I think it’s time to start on the next project though. I’ve been sitting on them and I think they’re ready to hatch.

February 24, 2015

Wow…so yesterday I was pretty busy. I was busy studying and you know…working on all that stuff. Whew…but now all that is kind of over. By over I mean I can breathe now. I can’t wait for the PTCB exam to be over…for some reason I feel stress. I don’t know I’m tired of taking tests and studying for them. Today’s rehearsal went well. We actually kind of decided on a band name…sort of. “The Atomics” …..inspired by the song that basically describes the whole invention of the band. That’s actually a fitting name. We played it…well part of it today. Half of it…still it was really nice. It’s quite hard because I barely realized I sent Tyler’s music to the wrong email…but that’s okay…we still got far in it(all the way to dance three). Honestly it’s quite hard on guitar and bass on this first half. The next rehearsal me and

Anthony will be struggling to breathe. I’m going to have to work harder though. I feel like sometimes I shouldn’t sleep and should keep working and working. There’s just so much work to do…but I’m glad they are on board…but yeah “After the Atomics” is a pretty monumental song for me…and for us. I think it describes maybe how we all feel. That’s why we all need to sing it. At the same time! Well for most of it anyway.

I really like it when people sing in unison. Man it’s cold…sure is cold out isn’t it? My fingers were freaking out during the rehearsal so it was harder than usual to play the faster parts. My little dogs are bothering me right now. He’s a white Chihuahua and he’s annoying but damn they’re cute so that makes it hard to get mad at them. Since I’m home more often than I want to be I always hear them barking at the world. I have to leave on Thursdays with my bro just to maintain my sanity. Right now I feel a little bit insane…ha…I did study today, but not as much as I wanted to. For some reason my mother was worried about me and fed me…even though I said “It’s okay you don’t have to”. That’s the thing with her. It’s cool because I can technically get a lot of things I want from her…even if I don’t want them…that’s what makes her a good person though. Even though she is that way I don’t think any of my bros or me have taken advantage of her. Maybe it’s her secret way of raising us…or it’s just how it all worked out.

So…I have a lot of ideas like mentioned before…the only thing that has really been stopping me is the fact that I wasn’t sure about a female vocalist…but the band agreed that a female vocalist would be good for one song. It’s something Anthony and I have been talking about without actually asking the others, but today we did. We talked about a lot of things that are probably going to start showing up. Yeah thinking back I think it’s good that we all sing…it looks like that’s what the band has a consensus on. I gotta get the punk to sing/rap though or all of us to sing different parts in one song. Maybe get them to make their melodies and what not on this part…so that is another project. I have a feeling that this thing is going to be big. I always thought that it would be difficult to find people as crazy as I am…but I think I finally found them…but yeah…we all have to sing…even though that’s not what’s suggested.

I’ve read that it’s pretty important to have someone to crank up the crowd and preferably it should be someone who mainly sings…but I think it would be hard to find that person…we talked about that today too. Maybe we should just sing our songs too. Tyler kind of opened my eyes calling our voices distinct…and maybe that’s what we need for magic. Maximum the Hormone does that(though they dude have one dude who just screams)…though now that I think of it they all crank up the crowd even the drummer. So I suppose that’s what we need to do. I have to see if we have another mic stand for Anthony. He’s gotta get used to playing drums with one. Thankfully I know the best spot for it. He’s a little nervous about singing, but I think once we all do it…for the Atomics…it’ll be magic. (sigh) For now…all I want to do is wrap myself in blankets…but I can’t. I have too much work to do.

February 25, 2015

It seems that my whole life there has always been people who say “Stop doing that”. Always…I guess it comes with doing anything creative. People like to tell me to stop it. I used to think it was some kind of twisted jealousy or something…but you know I don’t know the answers. On the other side there are those who encourage me to keep doing what I’m doing…then they tell me to sub back. That’s the way it is though for creative minds without a company to back them up. The truth is, nobody wants to view something that isn’t shoved down their throats. Like that little girl who recited a Karate vow…I’ve kept an eye on it since I first saw it and discovered a conspiracy. Ha.

The first time I viewed it, it had 10 views…and yahoo(I think) was already calling it viral…the next thing I knew I see it on Youtube’s front page…it was literally a few seconds. I clicked it and it had 300 views…Now I see it everywhere. Ask yourself…is it really a viral video? I kind of felt like it was thrown at everyone…backed by many different websites and then bing boom done…It’s viral. It’s insane…I guess the idea of making a viral video has changed these days. I don’t know exactly how it happened or why…but it seemed like that video had a ton of publicity. Did the people pay for the advertisement? Or perhaps it was some rich dude’s daughter or relative. The whole thing kind of made me ponder on how even in the virtual world a nobody is still a nobody. It has turned into the world we all live in…and yet we don’t realize it. It has become a cliché in movies and tv shows to turn “viral”. I can’t tell how many times I’ve seen it. I don’t hate it nor do I mind it. I like the fantasy…and back in the early days of Youtube…it wasn’t fantasy…but now it’s a monster…Brutally difficult…but not impossible. We all just have to try a little harder.

…but back to what I was saying about people telling you and me to not do something. Isn’t it annoying!? Especially when they pretend (again) to be an expert. It’s funny because I don’t even know what to say to them. I don’t want to be rude and darn it I will not be rude…so I end up just saying…nothing. That’s how it’s always been. I never want to be mean. I may have been mean to some people…maybe…but overall I try to be the nicest person I can possibly be. I try…I’m not saying I’m successful. I never try to put people down…sometimes it just happens. Then again I probably won’t figure it out until it’s too late…unless they are mean to me(jokingly). I can play ball. If it’s serious though…I’ll say a million things in my head but nothing will come out of my mouth…Oh these are gold things I say in my head…but they stop there…and maybe that’s for the best…but when people want me to stop doing something…I usually keep doing it. Why they want me to stop doing it is beyond anyone’s guess.

I’m not a mean person though…so don’t you worry your little head…truth is someone told me to stop writing journal entries. Pshh like I’m going to stop…why end the story at chapter 20(I think or 19). I can kind of see why they would want me to stop though…they want me to stop because they are or were mean to me…and they think if they make me mad I will…put…their…name…in…here. Nah…unless I have something nice to say about you…I probably won’t mention you. I’ll leave you nameless if you’ve made me mad…and if there’s something that’s questionable that I feel the need to write about, I’ll probably

ask you first. I’m real. That’s what this whole thing is all about. That’s why I’m sharing it to whoever is curious. If anything about me offends you then well…don’t read it…nah…I shouldn’t tell you what to do. I’d be a hypocrite.

February 26, 2015

Wow…I can’t believe I just spent a whole day studying…well mainly taking practice exams I find online and in books…I’m doing pretty well on them, but there are some places I just have holes. Nonetheless…it’s getting closer to that time where I pull the trigger and just take the test. I kind of put March 16th as my deadline for signing up…or I’ve decided that would be the day I sign up. I’ve heard people studying only two weeks before taking the test. Sometimes I have to realize that I’m not a brainiac….brainiak… what the? I guess it’s not a word yet. According to word…”Braniac”, a word used since the late fifties, is not a word…but Smackdown…a word invented by WWF wrestler the Rock is. Strange…diverting back now. Yeah…it’s getting closer to test time, then job time. There is a 100% chance I will feel uncomfortable there, but none of that will matter when I become a famous Rock Star. I mean…everyone feels uncomfortable at first at everything. That’s just the jungle.

I took a run in the cold and man it was pretty nice. I’ve decided that Thursdays I would go with Chris to ACC to study pharmacy all day…but I only lasted till six so…I studied for about 9 hours. So right now my mind is foggy and if I don’t make any sense that’s because my mind is foggy. Did you hear about Jackie Chan’s new movie? Man it looks cool. I heard about it awhile back, and he keeps releasing previews of it. It’s called Dragon Blade…I think. I don’t think it’ll come out in the U.S. because Hollywood is dumb and prefers shaky cameras over real stunts…but you never know. I’m kind of glad he didn’t do the expendables. Knowing the current cast’s ego, they would’ve tried to make him look like a joke…but Jackie’s the man. I know it’s odd this is probably the second time I’ve mentioned Jackie Chan…and trust me, I haven’t even put him in my journals since…ever. Man my back hurts.

I was going to practice piano at night in the piano rooms here, but then I realized concert band is today…and I don’t want to be tempted to just go in there and start playing percussion. I think it would make me depressed. I’ll just practice Friday…besides, my brain is just too funky right now. I’m glad tomorrow’s Friday…I think I’m still going to study though…maybe a little bit. Make some flash cards. I think flash cards are the only way I learn now. I like to sing the front and the back in a certain rhythm. It actually keeps you focused because the word you have to remember is like trying to remember what note comes next. It’s how I play piano…well when I want to play really clean. I think about which note comes next rather than just feeling it. Doing that makes a huge difference, but it can take a mental toll on you, but I got used to it.

Since the band name “The Atomics” is taken by some surf rock band. I think the name is more than likely going to change to “After the Atomics” like the song. Maybe I can change the song name if they want, but I think that would be cool. Plus Raeleen had a dream my band’s name started with an A. I have to make her dreams come true right? That’s what fate does. Maybe. I don’t know. I have lots of dreams

and I don’t know if they all can come true…but that’s what life is going to be all about from now on. Doing whatever I want to do.(realistically). That’s right. Dream big (realistically) and it’ll all come true(unrealistically). :O…or maybe I have that mixed up. You know what would be nice right now? A nice warm bath. I still feel cold after that run…my sweat is making it worse. Someone just walked in and said hi to me. That rarely happens. It was probably because I was staring in her direction thinking about that melody I wrote yesterday. It was kind of a creeped out “hello” nonetheless it was a hello. I said it back…and the rest was awkward. She soon left after hearing me hum for a few minutes. I hum quietly of course. That’s right. I am working on a melody as I write. Seeing where it can go…I’m not going to sing this melody some girl is. So my humming is an octave than I want it to be.

The next song I work on will sound like it belongs in a horror movie. Creepy….creepy…just like meeeee. “I want to be nothing else. Than I came to be all of the time” I can improvise lyrics when I sing, but half the time I don’t make any sense. It’s still fun though. Ha ha ha ha….

February 27, 2015

It’s pretty scary what I’m doing right now…but I still feel like I should be doing it. Trying new things…and trying my best to do them. Usually when I’m distressed I keep up the journal entry pretty often. I think writing just makes me feel better. After yesterday’s study session I basically blacked out. I think I played Firepro Wrestling yesterday. That game is pretty fun…but I was pretty out of it…but that’s what I have to do you know? Every Thursday that will be the plan for a few weeks anyway…until I pass that test.

Well I have a confession. I am a pretty big fan of the Angry Video Game nerd and all those other game reviews…and that’s what this “Youtube” project is all about. I suppose…I’ll go more into it. I’m not sure if I wrote this in here or I just told Raeleen, but I’ll just write it again. In this age…I’ve noticed that Video Games are what books were in the 1800s. Everyone wants to analyze them and overthink them…and Youtube is a pretty good place to do it….So I thought I would give it a try. I don’t expect anyone to really watch the first few though. For now it’s just practice for my review of Shenmue. They don’t take long to do either so it wouldn’t hurt to actually do them. If you’re reading this and want a good laugh…or you want to watch a video that you may not even understand, then here it is…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VofoI7WWSU

Yeah…I can leave links now because the journal is all internety! LOL.

Maybe I’ll start doing that now so you can actually see what I’m talking about. I guess that kind of makes the journal more like a pop-up book. That’s pretty cool. I’ll still share some stuff on facebook, but they’ll be some stuff like the review…that I’ll put here…because if you’re reading the journal, then you must be bored and you need some sort of entertainment.  I should also put some neat stuff I find online too…though, I don’t really go surfing all the time looking for stuff…but people usually send me stuff. Was it yesterday? Yeah Tyler sent me this random 90’s commercial I thought was funny. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyd51lvu3xw

…yeah…don’t know if I’ll do that too often…but well we see how I do. It seems two things went viral recently… a dumb dress and the death of Spock. I say dumb dress because it’s obviously a government conspiracy…I mean duh! Every time you look at the dress a small robot enters your brain and controls you…when the gold turns black that’s when the robot is taking charge. The robot wants you to see it’s power…and ultimately make you feel weak…Man…it’s easy to come up with conspiracy theories. Maybe I should go around at colleges and sprout my “knowledge”.

I’m working on a new rearrangement at the time…it always seems like I need to be writing more than one thing at a time musically. Usually what happens is, they work off of each other. Right now I’m working on a Mortal Kombat Medley and a song I’m deciding to call “Touch” right now. It’s where the girl who I know nothing about will sing. I have a stage idea for Touch”. Since the song starts with her singing solo, I was planning to put a doll on a chair and a spot light on it. The melody sings(it could be her back stage or a recording). After the solo melody plays we come in and the lights go dark. During this time our unknown female singer goes to the chair and sits. She will be wearing the same thing as the doll is wearing and thus we finish the song. That would be pretty neat.  Hmm…maybe Touch wouldn’t be a good name for it. In fact at the moment I’m not sure what it’s about yet. The lyric “God will be watching you’re your toe to your tongue”. I don’t think I’ll go with that…but I think the word “God will be prominent. I have to do something about that doll though. This is a stuffed animal like doll I’m talking about by the way…I’m not that much of a freak.

I had a good day today. Had a nice talk with Raeleen…talking about video games for some reason and realizations. She’s kind of like a journal in her own right. I can tell her anything even the stuff she probably doesn’t care about.

February 28, 2015

Looks like it’s the last day of February huh? Man that was fast…but then again Feb is a pretty fast month. It’s crazy to think back to during the winter beak. I like to think…like…what I’ll be doing a month or two from now. Usually everything goes according to plan, but this time everything is different from what I was thinking about. Sometimes I say it’s a sign and that this was meant to happen…and maybe it was…or maybe it’s all just being victim of a circumstance. Things just happen and sometimes you can’t do anything about them other than just make the best of it. I’m sure many people have experienced this already…maybe in big ways or small ways.  Man…I can’t believe how long it’s been since high school…I miss it you know? That’s the one time in life where you are allowed to dream. You can dream about what you want to do after high school…but after high school that’s when you see reality and it’s tough, depressing, and well scary. At least that’s what I experienced. I always had that dream to me a composer or drummer, or something. When that wasn’t happening I kind of went crazy. For some reason I just want people to listen to my music and think about it…but listening to music and thinking are something people are doing less and less of these days.

The only way people will openly listen to something is if it relates to them or is just something to point and laugh at…usually something of random humor. I remember Gangnam style and I felt like I was the only one not really understanding why everyone was so drawn to it. Of course now I know better. That’s pop music. They say that you have to be brave to do stuff like that…but no…I think you just have to be desperate…but everyone is desperate no? All of this thinking back then just made me want to quit writing music that people casually listen to and just try to write music that accompanies a game or a movie….then I learned about something else…

Though this doesn’t apply to everyone, usually when people play a game, let’s say on their phone or handheld device…the volume is turned all the way down. This is because people are multi-tasking and don’t really care to hear the music I worked so hard on. Everyone is so side tracked. They don’t realize I stayed up sleepless nights trying to find the right melody and piece it together to make something beautiful. In movies, the main theme of the movie is in the opening credits where the mood is being established…and what do people(some) do? They fast forward the opening credits and possibly skip some dialogue because they feel it isn’t worth their time. Then the movie usually sucks. I make video games mainly just for fun because I wanted to write music for independent video games. I tried writing for other people…but EVERY one of them would quit the project and there I would be left with a theme to some video game that never came to existence. I still make video games as a hobby…and please don’t say it’s a waste of time when you’re guilty of watching tv and youtube. It’s just something I like to do…just pretend it’s mine craft.

I’ve always wrote “band music” you know music you play with a band. Whether it was Phoenix Splash…and now the Atomixxxw3izs…. At least when people listen to a show or contemporary music, they have a less likely chance of turning the volume down. What’s the point of watching a music video without the music? At least I have their attention. The few…the mighty. If you’re one of the few who click any music made by me and actually like or comment (non-condescending ones) on it I applaud you…I can understand why not a whole lot of people do…because who am I? I’m not signed.…especially if you don’t know me personally. I ultimately applaud you…especially if you don’t expect anything in return. I can’t applaud you enough. You’ve done what friends won’t do. Not that I blame my friends they all have lives of their own and you do too…but you’ve managed to make some time for me to fit in your busy schedule. You’re amazing. Even if I see one like…one comment…it really does make my day. Even if a message from my song reaches and touches at least one person…it’s still a spectacular thing. Wish it made me a million bucks, but still…it’s a wonderful feeling. Makes me feel like I’m worth something after all…and when I am finally worth something, I’ll think of you guys…the ones who were there from the beginning. If I get signed and dethrone the record companies, fight of King Kanye and Princess Beyonce…and you were there in my army from the beginning…I’ll share my throne, give you the riches and let you start your own Kingdom…then find an arrow in my back…you were always good with a bow…Traitor! Ha I’m just kidding…but in all seriousness. Thanks to the few. With this new band…I think the possibilities are limitless.

March 1, 2015

Just a bad day I suppose. It started okay but, I think I knew it would result in me feeling worthless. Invisibility is my superhuman power. It’s not a nice power to have. Everyone ignores your ideas, everyone ignores your input and everything you say…yet you have to show attention to detail of everything that goes on in their lives…because you’re invisible and there really isn’t anything else to do…or you’re just nice. If I’ve described you, then you’re just like me. It’s you’re responsibility to say “Good Job” and be proud of everyone else while they ignore you and treat you like an insect. You’re probably a middle child or the youngest. This usually happens to them. It’s something I’ve noticed especially in my house hold and I think my family would agree. Hell, John and I have even tested it. My parents will listen to him over me…even if we say the exact same thing. It will always be like that. It’s the same story with Chris…he’s invisible as well. Now I know what you may be thinking. “Who cares about what Parent’s think?”. You’re right…it doesn’t matter how they view you…but oh wait…guess what it does.

When this happens to someone, the invisible loses confidence like crazy. So sometimes when the invisible has a great idea, they keep their mouth shut…and soon enough all of the ideas go away from fear of rejection. It tells us that everything we do is not good enough even though it may be wonderful. It creates a bad aura…and yes auras our true. This Aura lets people know that you can be taken advantage of. All the skills that you work for just to please yourself will be taken advantage of and ultimately, you’ll be used like a tool.  Your ideas won’t matter in the end because no one will give them a chance because they know who you are. You’re the person everyone rejects, why would we even give you a chance? As a result sharing your ideas with someone you know hardly ever goes well. They either ignore it, or they over criticize it as if it were garbage….and as a result you start to believe that what you’re doing is garbage…but if you’re like me…you don’t give up.

All the rejection from everyone you know builds up and builds up…and what does it do? Well it makes your ideas stronger because you never think they’re good enough. You go back to the drawing board and create something better, and then it gets rejected by the people you know again. Rinse and repeat…rinse and repeat…over…and …over…and…over again. All of a sudden great ideas become faster to form and all of a sudden you can make tons of things without a lot of effort that are okay…but then you work on a masterpiece that will be the greatest thing ever!….then it gets rejected…rejected…and….rejected. You want to give up so bad…but then…you go back to the drawing board…and try again…because you’re like me… you’re crazy.

It’s worse when you’re in an argument. Keep the aura in mind because it rubs off on your friends too. Your friends pick up on your rejection resume and then if an argument happens between you and another friend you can bet a million dollars that they will side with the other friend(especially if he’s not a reject) even the closest of friends you love most will reject you…because it’s on your resume…says here you get rejected quite a lot. You just being yourself equals that rejection and they’ll find any and

every single way to justify it…and it never makes any sense. Then you start wondering why your alive…and then you say “fuck it I don’t need them”…and in all reality…you don’t. You’re voice turns monotone because of your lack of confidence…you’re less aware of your appearance because you feel that it doesn’t matter anyway. When you do try to succeed and there’s times when you do…you find that acting like someone else usually equals more success. So that’s what you do and slowly build up your confidence…or so I think…I don’t know, I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’m still in the get rejected a million times phase…I believe this is why strangers are more likely to watch and listen to what I do…and stranger can mean someone who doesn’t know me  too well, but knows of me. Whether it’s from watching me perform, or some other thing. You don’t know who I am, but you’re curious. Then you swing by my stuff and either go away because not many other people view it…or you stay and listen. That’s what I think anyway…I’m not sure because I’m not on that side. All in all sometimes I just feel like I’m tired of rejection…but I know in the end, I’ll just go back to the drawing board and start up another idea. The cycle will repeat itself…over…and over.

This used to get in a way during a performance…if you perform and these thoughts get in the way, there is a little trick I learned how to do. The performance is not about you…it’s about the music…or show. Make it beautiful.  The music is already there so play it and stop being selfish. Let the music live and breathe. When it becomes about the art, nothing else matters.

March 2, 2015

It looks like yesterday’s negativity rubs off on todays. It just wasn’t a good day. I hate bad days…I mean it wasn’t so bad when I started it off.  First, I got into the new routine. Study, work on some music, and then exercise. That’s what my Mondays usually consist of. Then I got a phone call and was reminded about why my Mondays are now like this. I’m really fucking tired of telling people what happened at U of H. So tired…Sorry for the curse words, but I just don’t care at this point. I don’t want to be taken back to that horrible time. I don’t want to think if there was something different I could’ve done or not have done. It’s done. It’s over. It’s given me enough pain to deal with and I just don’t want to be placed back there explaining and hearing the same responses. I guess next time someone asks, I’ll just say “I really don’t want to talk about it”. Talking about it just really makes everything in me feel worse. I’m doing something different now…and what I’m doing will work.

I can’t say that to them though. They all want the same safe typical story you know? Go to school, go to school. It’s like a safe zone…but this is my life and I can die tomorrow. I’d rather die trying than live the safety zone ways. I mean once I die that’s it you know? It’s done… the entire math and all that imagination in my brain will be gone. So why waste it all for a safe zone. I wish things didn’t take so long though. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would just be out there…but everything just feels like it’s going to take forever…well not as long as earning a degree would(maybe). I need to start planning ahead…maybe that’ll make me feel better. Apparently they will be a whole lot of things I have to set up if I want this all to work. I can’t rely on everyone to just do their own thing and hope fate piles

it all perfectly. I have to organize it…but damn that phone call. I didn’t think it would hurt talking about it…but it hurt more than it ever had. I know they were just curious too…it’s probably the first time they’ve heard of it happening….so I can’t exactly get mad at anyone…not even u of h. In the end none of it matters…because it’s all in the past. Just like all those failures in my life and all of those rejections. There are new successes and rejections to occur. It’s like Zukko said. You’re going to fail a lot…but no matter how many times you fail you have to keep trying. 1000000000% percent. If I barely make it I have to keep going higher and higher and higher and higher until I’m into outer space…that’s what goes on in my head…to calm myself down from the mayhem. I can’t hang on to the past. I have to focus on what I’m doing now. Making the best music in the world and shoving it in front of people’s faces until they love it. I’ll get them to take that garbage out of their ears and make them remember what music is supposed to be.

I wish it could happen tomorrow…but there will be a transition point where it does. One day I’ll be nobody and the next day I’ll be somebody…and then the next day…I’ll still be somebody. I just gotta be like Yoshiki….Persistent.

March 3, 2015

It’s a good day. It’s always a good day when my band is here…I was pretty flaky today though…still am…I don’t know how much sleep I got exactly last night, I just know it was pretty late…probably fourish… I couldn’t stop thinking about that phone call and all that stuff…but today wiped it clean and reminded me of what I’m doing and what I found. People exactly like me…deep down they might be going insane…we all know that music is our live and we’ll keep on doing it no matter happens…and now we’re all in one band. It’s good to have that. A lot of musicians believe that their world revolves around themselves and therefore will only do things that satisfy themselves and themselves only. They never say “we” it’s always “me”. For a while I may have been like that…Chris too. I remember we would make separate music and that’s what we did for a long time…almost the whole first year after high school. It really did get us nowhere. We combined forces and we were stronger…but not strong enough. Now I think we’ve found the right people who will incorporate the ideas of others rather than brushing their own ego. I’m glad I’ve found them.

It’s so strange…I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve realized that Mondays I’m most vulnerable to negative emotions. Tuesdays I’m really happy and nothing can take me down. Wednesdays and Thursdays I’m okay…usually lost in studying…and that new Youtube thing “Game Analyzer”. Fridays and Saturdays are the best of all…Sundays I get sad. At least that’s what the past two weeks have shown. Sundays I’m usually reminded of the situation I’m in thanks to everyone shoving it down my throat as if I haven’t noticed…I guess Mondays I get reminded again by something or someone. Maybe that won’t happen as much now. It’s crazy because I haven’t been depressed in a long time…before that whole incident I felt like I was on top of the world. Now I have to psyche myself out just to keep on going. I have to tell myself that this path is good a okay! However no matter how sure of myself I am…it’s still hard to hear people shouting at me telling me I’m wrong…like they always do.

Stop doing that…that isn’t right. It all takes an emotional toll on me. It’s kind of like when a girl breaks your heart and you keep hearing about it…but I think this is a lot worse. It is comparable though. Every time I would hear her talk I just felt uneasy. I didn’t want to know how she was doing and just wanted to move on…but then my friends got involved with her and…well you see my point. This is very comparable to the first time my heart was broken. Sometimes I tell myself(and others) that  I was tough and he-manned through it…but the fact was it sucked and none of it was fun. With this incident I keep hearing about other people hearing about it. These people yell at me telling me I should’ve fought harder…like when people yelled at me that I should’ve fought harder for her. Physically…with some dude that may or may not have existed.

I should take the “young Josh’s” advice and just ignore it…like my old pal Keith told me. “Be the adult”. Possibly the greatest advice that I’ve ever could’ve gotten. I remembered it when I wrote about U of H. I wasn’t about to curse them out in this Journal…what happened to me wasn’t intentional. It just happened. We’re all victims of circumstance. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. There’s no one picking which things happen to which people unfortunately. You get your cards and you play them…if you have a bad hand then good luck…the dealer didn’t mean to give you a bad hand. You just got it…now leave with your winnings, buy a boat and set sail. Sometimes I get so angry in my head…cursing the whole world…I swear I’m like a child in that regard…and I can be a child. I’m human…I’m not perfect…as much as I want to be. The more I don’t look back, the easier it is to move on. Just like with her. I wanted to look back all the time, but I knew it was wrong to. It wasn’t meant to be. Just like this. It hurts oh damn it hurts. Watch a funny show…laugh…laugh and laugh some more. That’s a good cure. There is some relief in this too. I mean after college I was basically planning to do the same thing. I’m just ahead of schedule this time. Right? Ha…ha…eh…..

We got through After the Atomics…the song…possibly the best or one of the best songs I’ve ever written. Even though there are so little words, it tells you about everything I feel. So I hope you like it when I get it out. It’s going to take a while though….so maybe I’ll poop out a few more and you’ll hear about them. I can’t wait till Friday and Saturday…but until then I have to Study like a freak so hopefully this March Weather won’t be so gloomy. When it’s gloomy it gets hard to study.

March 5, 2015

Well these past few days have been pretty tiresome. It’s like I keep increasing my workload and as a result I’m running out of things to study. For some reason it’s scary closing into the finish line. Sorry for the typos…my brain is getting foggy. Yeah I’m almost done studying for this test. I think there are a few holes…like there are a few questions on the test where they ask common sense questions…but you have to know the lingual they talk about.  I pretty much already know it because of those pharmacy classes. For instance Cash Carts. You have to know about the equipment. I guess I’ll brush up on those next time I study. Today was the laws, abbreviations, and review over everything…but that’s boring.

Other than that I fixed the youtube channel to actually make it look like a youtube channel. Uploaded another game analyzer I did awhile back. So…I’ll keep up with it apparently. They’re so funs to do…video

games really are a strong art form…more than people realize. The immersive experience, the choices you’re allowed to make. It totally defeats the purpose of having to watch movies…except for those times I want all those decisions made for me…then I’ll watch a movie. CCCCCCDCCCFDDCCC…sorry my c key was stuck…but yeah…they’re really easy to talk about so I’ll keep doing it…wish I decided to do this earlier…but NOoooo I had to talk about musicccc….evvveryyoonnee likes to think about music. Ha. Not yet! (Just wait till I dethrone Kanye and Beyonce). Yeah I did a little show where I talked about music…no one liked it…no matter how much I promoted it. Then I got one comment that said…”How about…just listen to the damn song”. Ugh…I never made one ever since, I think I have an un-uploaded one sitting around my computer. I wanted to go for a walk today, but it’s just so old outside.

Oh man…I did a cover or remix of Mortal Kombat and ended up with something pretty sweet…but if MK fans(the few that find it within a year) don’t like it I can see why. It gets a little bright like the movie music of MK does. I think it’s nice though. I like when really light songs get dark…and when really dark songs get light. Dir en Grey does that a lot…oh yeah scratch everything I just said…and just listen to the music.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdidBwsn51s&list=PLrtUUGee9_rKJzRKZPi6p_f4Ph9A-n43Q

I think I’m doing Mario next…oh boy. I don’t think it’ll come out as good as the last two…so yeah I did pretty good this week and today…I still have about two hours to kill…so I’ll probably work on that song someone else is singing…ha…I’m in a lounge right now…which is where that one girl gave me a hello. There was also someone who just started talking to me out of nowhere…basically telling me their life story. It was a dude…so don’t worry Raeleen. It’s nice that I’ve become somewhat approachable. Today someone just came in here and started playing the legend of Zelda. I’d play with him…but I have no idea if he’s playing it on a DS or not…so I won’t risk the embarrassment. These next two days are going to be pretty fun. I’ve been longing for a group of friends to hang out with and I think I’ve finally found them(finally!).  I’ve been looking forward to it all week. Tomorrow’s my day off from studying so it’s going to be swell like it always is. I think if I had started a lighter studying schedule it would still be fine…but you know me…I always have to be 100% sure I’m ready for something otherwise I may spontaneously combust.

March 6, 2015

I’ve just been thinking about some things and some…stuff…and realized that I’m in a cave. Basically the past few years I’ve been perfecting my skills as if that was the only thing that mattered in life. Now I’m trying to exit the cave…but I’m still in the cave. I don’t know what’s coming of me, but…why was I in a cave in the first place. Just perfecting skills…musical skills…all for an empty audience…so far…I know that there’s other factors you have to consider when you decide to promote your music. Like find a company to shove you down people’s throats…and to do that you have to have tons of money…but I realized that if you shove some creative show or song down people’s throat…they’ll either love it(if it’s decent)…or absolutely hate it(when it’s half assed). I wonder why people are like this now. It’s like we’re all spoiled by companies. Everything has to be advertised yet everyone hates advertisements. If you’re just some

nobody with the greatest song in the world…then that song ends up being nobody to. It’s sad. I remember in the earlier days of the internet all of these amateurs started getting recognition.  It was a time where people actually gave two dimes about the material rather than the commercialism. I wish I was this age back then…it seems that now people will just ignore you unless you have millions of views or listeners…I’m not sure why. Maybe they think if no one’s listening, then it’s not worth their time. That’s a horrible way to think.

I say this and the usual response is “that’s how the world is live with it”…but you never know…things can change…or maybe the right set of people will finally find me. It’s just that such people are rare. The only people who end up liking my stuff are close friends. There was a song I did awhile back…a cover of a Japanese Song called Love Replica by Hide. It got me some friends on here…but then it made me realize…that cover song was the only song they  probably listened to that I made. That’s the only one they talked to me about…and once they got their sheet music, they basically stopped talking to me. People are just so attached to the things they already know…and if it’s something not a lot of people are into, they end up going away. Even friends, relatives. It’s all the same when it comes to creativity. It’s not jealousy it’s not anything. It’s just. “Oh I know that guy”. It’s a mere second of space in the brain that disappears. That’s what happens when you have no company and no logo.

I wish people would think differently. In the 70s Led Zeppelin got really popular without ever being on the radio. People were different back then weren’t they? Now music has to be this big company where they post stuff and right away, gets millions of hits due to mass advertising and possibly people paid to watch the video over and over and over. I guess that’s just the world we live in now. It’s nearly impossible for some shmuck to make it without mass advertising, no web site, and no company to shove me everywhere. I’m sick of listening to the radio and hearing people half ass their music. If I were in that position…I would work my hardest…and I will when I get there. I guess companies realize that if they over advertise anything…it’ll get a response. I have a pet peeve against things that are over advertised. I remember a video game last of us was always shoved in my face I hated it. Everyone loved it though…said it’s the greatest game ever…I played it…and I hated it. I probably nit picked everything about it. I will probably never like it…but don’t worry it’s not the end of the world…at least I gave a response to it. I put “Did not like the game. Shenmue was better”…maybe I gotta stop comparing games to Shenmue.

All in all today was pretty nice. Got to go outside and see the weather…even though it was cold. Did some singing…played some piano…and ate an ice cream sand which. I look up at the sky sometimes and realize that every thought I have and any music I have won’t matter in a million years (unless my name is Mozart). The sun will kill everything anyway…ha…I loved that astronomy class I took. Today was bitter sweet though. I had a nice conversation with Raeleen today. Just hearing her voice calms down the negative energy constantly getting in my way…she is a rose in the desert and a muse of the century. A spring in the desert is probably more useful than a rose in the desert….she is a spring in the desert… and I am a frog in the sand…gonna dry up…uh oh….better get…to the spring….SPLASH!

I’d hate to be a frog.

March 7, 2015

Man…I felt sick when I woke up…but then it quickly got better. Maybe because it was because I slept with my mouth open. Usually when I do that it’s because I had trouble sleeping…and I do remember having a serious problem with trying to sleep…so when I woke up I guess I didn’t realize that I had trouble sleeping and I guess I thought I was sick…or maybe I was sick for a few moments. Saturdays are usually filled with joy and awesomeness and today was no different. The only difference is that today…well it kept reminding me of the situation I am in. The Atomics (or Atomic (or After the Atomics)) came over today and we had a bonding day basically the whole day. Video games and a movie…I finally saw Whiplash and it pretty much mirrored aspects of my life. Believe it or not it made me feel better about leaving all that  stuff behind me…it basically gave me a re reality check…that no one really cares for that kind of musician…sadly. There was a part where he mentioned jazz greats and how people will speak of their names…but only jazz musicians and the few who like jazz will actually mention their names. Now when it comes to jazz music…I’m the last person to talk to about it. I do like to listen to jazz every so often…but whenever I see the average person listen to it…they kind of treat it like a fad or something…like “oh I can see how some people like that” and then they move on. I like jazz though…

We played Smash bros and some Mario baseball game. When we played Smash Bros, I didn’t concentrate as much as I wanted to…because for some reason I didn’t feel like going all competitive…but then there was this one fight where Anthony’s two amiibos were pitted against me. My team mate(Anthony himself) died prematurely. The amiibos then took out the other team(it was two on two on two). Suddenly I fought them by myself and so I was like…Imma concentrate and win. I was Princess Zelda and I did just that. The Amiibos were Kirby and Donkey Kong and they were pretty tough…it was fun. I didn’t really understand the Mario baseball game…so I guess I can’t really talk about it. It was pretty fun tackling people though. So the games were fun…then we started glitching Smash Bros…I’m not sure why…today was fun though.

The rehearsal went well…I kind of have this notion that I don’t think any of us are good enough yet. I mean we’re good and all…but I think we need to work on our technique more. I don’t know it seems like rubber I guess when we play. Maybe it was something in the air today…but I think the biggest problem of the band is the fact that we need more individual practice…which I know is hard to ask for…but I think if we each put in an hour a day practicing the material that we play it’ll be a million times better. So all in all we need to know the stuff better…and I know when we get to that point it’ll sound impressive. I think “Joker” is almost to that point (it just needs a little more at that one part you don’t know what I’m talking about). So it’s getting there. Just needs more work. Seeds. I feel like it’s still at that era…planting the seeds for the future. It’s good that I already have a band…if I didn’t know them, I would probably be duped.

I was going to write more…but if I decided to write about it would take a while…this post is already lengthy anyway…I’ll write about it tomorrow. Peace.

March 8, 2015

…I think to myself sometimes…that If I die that I’ll dream forever and fly endlessly without a thought or care…and that death is when things really start to get better. I know that’s an unhealthy way of thinking…but that thought usually comes around my head every so often. Since I won’t have a brain there would be no real way to worry or regret anything. The person I was when living would be gone and people would move on. There’d be nothing anyone can do. Sometimes I think…”I would feel angry or cheated”…but I wouldn’t feel anything. It would be strange not to be able to feel anything…maybe that’s what people consider true happiness…but most of the people I know love to feel different emotions. It’s what makes people feel alive isn’t it? I was a cry baby when I was a kid…I was never really manly in my whole life come to think of it. There was always something or someone there to make me cry. Of course I refrain from crying…but lately every once in a while it’ll come while I try to sleep randomly…even on a day that I feel has been pretty good…then I think to myself.  “My goodness…you’re such a crybaby”…kind of laugh at myself after that as if there are two people in my head.

I guess most of my life I’ve been emotional. Some people even called me “emo” thinking that’s what I was going for, but I had no idea what “emo” even was. Sometimes if feels like there’s a claw on my chest and it just squeezes sometimes. Some squeezes are harder than others of course…then the claw gets tired of squeezing and then it’s released. It’s never good when I feel it. Everything becomes harder to do. It’s harder to wake up and smell the roses you know? I think even if everything went alright for me…the claw would still be there and maybe once in a year or two it squeeze and I would have no idea why it would do that. Maybe it’s mechanical…so there’d be a pill or two involved in calming it down…but I don’t know…I feel like all that stuff is cheating. Why would you want to stop feeling emotions? Isn’t that the whole point of living? …to satisfy certain emotions, whether they are negative or positive? It’s all like a video game in the end. You have to beat it…and in the end the game is over…but then you play the same game again a year later.

I like to hold on to memories…it’s a hobby of mine. I like to remember old friends who probably won’t even recognize my name anymore. The more I think about things that have happened to me, the more I learn from them. It’s pretty calming to pick up the pieces…I think about the different things I would do or say. “I wonder what would happen…” then different scenarios play out…usually they play out more pleasantly.  I think this has made me “smarter” if you can call it that. As a result I end up noticing everything around me…but then in few years I’ll look back on the times I have…and play them out differently. I always wish I would’ve treasured my childhood more…made more friends…and not have been a silent freak. I wish I would’ve overcome that anxiety I had back then…but then again maybe everything would’ve been different. I wish there was some things I could deplete from it too. Mainly all the things that embarrassed me…one that sticks out is the time the 6th band directors replaced me on snare drum because I couldn’t change the tempo. That was heart breaking…but it’s those kinds of memories that teach me a lot. Yeah…reading through my old journals is always fun. Sometimes I write things that I would’ve never remembered.

It’s pretty cool though. No matter what I do artistically. There’s always one person watching listening and is a fan of what I do. Even though I’m not famous or company orientated…even though what I do may not even be that good or spectacular. She makes sure to never miss a beat. It makes me feel like I exist…instead of the invisibility…or it makes me feel like a dream that she has…and then she sleeps and I give her another dream. She’s always there. My number one fan…fan number one. ..my first real fan. It’s funny when I was a kid…and even sometimes now, whenever I wanted to show someone something I thought was cool they would totally dismiss it…just because it was associated with me. With her I feel like a kid showing her all my toys and stuff…finally getting that reaction I wanted for so long. Just someone to say “whoa that is cool!”. It feels good that at least one person is there keeping an eye on the weird things I do to try to get attention and to feel relevant. Sometimes it only gets her attention and sometimes…that’s okay. Sometimes I complain about people who only like a work or a song just because it’s associated with someone…but that’s kind of what she is to me. I don’t think I’ve created anything she’s totally hated…even those horrible songs after another. It’s good to feel relevant to someone. In a way she’s like an imaginary friend I used to have…telling me all the things I wanted everyone to say to me…but does mean a lot. If she were to go away, the theater would be pretty empty…but she doesn’t mind being the only one in the audience…and I don’t mind performing just for her sometimes. I hope Raeleen stays around forever…even if the theater gets full. I’ll just put her on stage with me.

March 9, 2015

Man I can’t believe I’m already almost on page 40. I always feel joy when I have a whole lot of pages behind me. It’s like I’m writing one huge book…I bet a lot of people would have a novel’s worth of their twitter statuses or facebook statuses.  So I suppose everyone is an author. I do like it…makes my day a little better. I woke up later than I wanted to…thanks to Daylight savings…but I think it means I can jog later. I remember jogging at seven…ah…but today I jogged at two…so I guess I didn’t take advantage of the one and only thing I enjoy about daylight savings. It feels like I didn’t study too much, but I think I did it more than four hours. I think all that’s left is to do math problems over and over. I guess today is a happy day. I woke up a little sad though…well not sad just um…regretful? I was thinking “no…I don’t want to wake up yet”…then I did…and studied…then I thought “I don’t want to study”…but I studied anyway…then I ran at two. The rest of the day I played piano…because that’s what I wanted to do. I just got finished writing a Mario Swing Medley of the main theme and the underwater theme. It sounds so pleasant. I think it’s short, but oh well. I’ve always wanted to do something with the Mario theme.

If I were still in percussion it would be a nice piece. It has a vibe. Marimba, drumset and bass. I think I’m going to make the bass part on the cello…because my keyboard doesn’t like to play bass guitar(sounds really bad on there). The Mario theme is such a happy tune it just makes me smile. I don’t know what it is about it. I mean if you think about it, Mario is constantly cheating death…he gets shot at and all that stuff. I wouldn’t want to be Mario…he does do shrooms though. I don’t understand why parents didn’t complain about that. He is eating mushrooms and the clouds are smiling. Isn’t he high? I mean of course

right? That’s what happens if you over think games, you start to see subliminal messages…they should’ve made him eat apples or something. The swing came out pretty cool…so I’m happy, and it only took me a few hours too. All I really had to do was write a drum part and…the bass. I already had the melody from a piano book. I can’t wait to show Raeleen!

It’s funny… I realize that people only contact me when they want something from me or need to know something I know. It’s never to say hello…or it’s never even a friendly call. They usually just ask and then I tell them and then the conversation is over. I wonder why that is. That’s been happening all day with tons of different people. They always want to humor me and show me their “things” that they do…it’s like that last entry I wrote…like kids showing off their toys. People kept doing that to me today. Then…I unplug my head phones and allow my Mario Swing to play…everyone left the room. I guess not much has changed since I was a kid huh? Just like everything I do…people avoid it. It did get a “comment“ though…”aren’t you going to get sued?”. There we go…that’s it. Hardly anyone says “good job” anymore. More people are satisfied in inflicting damage that recovering. Then again maybe inflicting damage is how they recover…so they inflict the guy that always hears what everyone else says…because everyone shuts down his ideas anyway…it’s not making me sad today…it’s kind of making me mad. HULK SMASH! I expect that from strangers…but hmm…I guess they are becoming stranger than strangers these days.

In a way moving out is scary, but I think it’ll be pretty nice…well if I find the right place to move into. I’ll be the star in that house! Even if all I have to listen to me is a cat…I’m kidding of course…great…now I already feel like the Mario Swing is a failure…you know even if it was the greatest masterpiece in the entire world…it would still get the same reception…because it’s associated with me of course! Not me!? Why not? Because “Fuck that guy?”. Please. What the hell is so unlikable about me? All I do is look at everyone’s toys when they show me them…and then I get hated for it. Maybe I should stop doing that…but then what good would that do? Just please me on the inside…like “Hah!”. Like some idiot pointing out of a trash can. Well I’m done…I’ll just end with…Daylight saving sucks.

March 11, 2015

Well this week hasn’t exactly been working out for me…I guess I’m getting impatient with things right now. For some reason I just want them to happen so fast. So I can blink my eyes and already be at the spot where I need to be. Blinking always makes time go faster whenever I’m happy and by the time it’s over I feel like I just blinked…and that I missed so many things. Then I want to go back to the times I felt happy and comfortable and that tomorrow didn’t really matter…because I knew what tomorrow had in store for me and I already knew how to deal with it. That’s the routine I guess…pretty soon I’ll be in a routine again…whether or not that routine makes me happy or not is not really up to me at this point. There’s really nothing I can do. Anyways the routine I sign up for will be replaced by adventure in one way or another. That’s just the way I see things working out. Yesterday I was a little too bummed to talk…the night before last I stayed up till seven in the morning and had about three hours of sleep. Yesterday I slept fine. I couldn’t stop thinking about life and stuff you know…the stuff people think about when they get sad. They get worried and worries keep me up later than I want to be. Worries keep me from working…so in the end I just sit there doing nothing but worrying. I hate that feeling.

I was watching the news today…observing all of these things shoved at my face. Crimes, music, sports, etc. I felt like it was something telling me what I should like and shouldn’t like….whom I should hate and shouldn’t hate. It felt so forced…as if they didn’t even believe in the things that they were saying to me. I try not to watch too much tv…but my mom was there watching Walking Dead while I was on my laptop mixing the highly awaited unimpressive…”Mario Swing”. It’s basically done and will be uploaded tomorrow…much like I do every Thursday. I remember when I was little I would make a magazine featuring all of my stories I would come up with…plus I would talk about other things I like. That’s the thing about being a kid. You get to pretend and pretend to your heart’s content. If I ever have kids I hope they do the same…Now everything I want to do seems to cost tons of money, man power, and connections. You can’t just pop it out anymore…not like the good ol days. Everything takes a long long long time…and then you have to wait on people…and then they take a long long long time. It’s very easy to get impatient. In fact it’s almost completely necessary to go insane.

I heard the good news that Blurred lines lost its lawsuit. Now…let’s get something straight. From what I heard…the two songs didn’t really sound anything exactly alike…I think the instrumentation was the same…so all in all the loss proved that if you have enough lawyers then you can win just about any copyright case. I don’t like Blurred lines so I don’t really care. When it came out it really made me hate my life and ask myself “Why that and not the poems I put in my songs”. In the song he says “What rhymes with hug me”. It’s pathetic so in that regard the song is horrible…but these days songs can be horrible, trashy, and even sound terrible. As long as it’s “catchy” people will think it’s a masterpiece…because like I said before…people don’t like to think anymore…especially about music.

I used to write music just for the sake of being catchy. It’s really a restraint. All these ideas in my head I have to hold back just so you can pay attention to a catchy tune…now I figure the melody should be sweet and delicate…if it can be sung or hummed, then it’ll stay in people’s minds. You don’t don’t have have to repeat the same word over and over over again…just put a different word…and you don’t have to put eh..eh…eh..or  uh…uh…uh..you can though if you want. You can invent your own language if you really want to like Yoko Kanno did. The last song I wrote with “catchy” in mind was Ghost of a Midnight Driver.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SajJl-YlrMM

However, I didn’t hold back any other ideas I had for the song. I just let everything come and I used it. My mother didn’t like it…and she likes catchy tunes…so I’ve always thought of it as a failure. It was a fun video to make though… and two people enjoyed it a lot. So much they actually left comments. I still want to make one more Phoenix Splash video…because there’s one song let. Maybe I’ll shoot it soon…Blind Angel. Sometimes I consider Blind Angel my best song so far. So I think it needs a video.

March 12, 2015

I’m confused about how I feel right now…I just don’t know how this week turned out so negative. Maybe I’m trapped in that spiral again. Bad thoughts go into other bad thoughts and the spiral continues…over and over…and then bad things happen…maybe the bad things trigger the bad thoughts. As you may know…today is a study day…Thursday… it felt like just yesterday it was Thursday. That just goes to show you that life is on fast forward right now. I hate that feeling. I like it when things go slow…slow is good. That’s one of my problems huh? I was paranoid all I day. I felt like there was always something wrong with what I was saying and what I was doing. Nothing I did felt right. I looked at what I was doing and thought. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing anything? Why am I alive? What is life? Why am I here? All that stuff…like I always do when I’m in a spiral…then the voices go away and it’s complete silence. I love that silence…but it doesn’t last long. It’s usually interrupted with more voices…so before they come I put a melody in there. A melody no one will know but me…because soon enough it disappears…and usually it’s not a spectacular melody…when it feels like it’s worth something…I write it down.

I remember people asking me why I was so quiet…but most of the time the answer was silence itself…dead silence…or an ugly awkward smile. “If you knew me, you would love to hate me”. That’s what I would usually think…when I did start talking…people began loving to hate me…but then that went away somehow…I can’t recall why. I don’t blame them for loving to hate me…most of the things I said and say probably make people feel weird. 9/11 was a hoax…the government killed JFK…you know God might not exist…even…9/11 wasn’t a hoax…the government did kill JFK…and God is good…I think no matter what you say there are two sides of people that will hate you for it…because people love to hate. I know this for a fact. If you’re a racist on Youtube you’ll get more attention than if you’re a musician or a band who actually gives a damn. People love to hate more than they like to enjoy. I think I’ve said that already. When I meet people who love to hate me…I disappear from them…because I’d rather not add on to their hatred…I don’t need to prove anything to them. They can tell all the lies they want about me and about themselves…and people can believe the lie…but that doesn’t make it true. Deep down they know…that I’m correct…having that in the back of their minds is all the retribution I need…unless they are insane…then I guess it means nothing.

The more I look into things the more I realize how “in the middle” I am. It’s like I have trouble deciding. I’d rather try everything else first…because things take time so why not try other things while you keep doing one big thing. This is life right? I can die the next day by some monster that no one knows exists.(Death is a good marketing for my music)…but I want to be alive to reap the benefits. Plus the music would fade away due to inactivity…this isn’t the old days where songs last decades. Now songs last about a month…and then they fade away…bye bye…I have a feeling most musicians…the ones who are crazy about music have felt like I do…the ones who want to change it. Change the world? Let’s start by changing music. It’s making people love to laugh at other people…but then again that passion is always there. People love to see other people fail. There are reality shows that help prove my case…fun fact…(it’s all staged).

Sometimes taking a walk by myself releases all the stress that comes along with being a delusional freak. I get to breathe…and thankfully it wasn’t cold this time. It was so empty out there. I was reminded of a time where I did the same thing a few years ago…still delusional…dreaming about all the things I wanted to do before I die. There I was again…except this time I was picturing the seeds I planted sprouting. Back then it was “who’s going to be with me”. That’s always been a hard question. For some reason I always pictured some magical woman singing…I was always on drums. Gabe and/or John would be on guitar, Chris was always on bass…and some other shmuck was on keyboard…or sometimes I’d play both like a show off, but the magical fairy girl(a character named Patchouli if any are wondering) didn’t exist…doesn’t exist. So the fantasy changes from time to time…but this time it’s with the band I have now. I’ve always wanted to add on with Phoenix Splash…that’s where things would get serious. School would always halt anything I did. Long story short I’m playing keyboards…and I’m nowhere near as good as I need to be…but I’m starting to get comfortable with it. I think I have some tempo issues on Joker…

Right now I think I’ll write some music. In time I’ll be that rock star that a few people want me to be. I just have to be smart about it.

March 13, 2015

Hello night owl, watching the night go by….too afraid to sleep, but not afraid to die. Listening into conversations…and no one is aware of your existence. You stare and you stay quiet. Life is interesting when you’re a night owl. Maybe…you can get creative…and do secret things that you tell nobody about…nobody knows your story because you keep many things to yourself. Some ideas you have change from day to day…it almost makes it impossible to write something that makes complete sense. In the end you keep your eyes open and inhale everything you need to…because it’s interesting to listen to all these ideas. Some people wish other people were dead…and then go to church the next day thinking that it’s all okay. As long as they go to church they are good people. They could wish everyone dead if they wanted to. That’s how they sleep at night. Then there are those who wish everyone dead and don’t go to church…and they can still sleep at night. Sometimes there is no justification. Many of us are just evil for the sake of being evil…just for fun. “Beat, cheat, and remarry”  I heard this quote from a cartoon when I was a kid.

The cartoon was the Super Mario Super Show and it was spoken by Bowser. It was probably the most messed up line I’ve ever heard. A few years ago I re watched it and heard it again…how could something like that be in a cartoon? Who thought that was okay to make a joke out of? Meanwhile there were and still are many kids going through that sort of thing. I still don’t see what’s so funny about domestic violence. Stupid Bowser… I guess that’s why he has so many kids…they’re all probably from different mothers. I never understood cheaters…or why people cheat on their lovers. From what I see it’s always in spite. As if they hate the one they’re with so much they just want to hurt them…but then it turns into something worse…and all of a sudden a train wreck occurs.

March 16, 2015

It gets pretty difficult to focus sometimes. I think sometimes I feel like everything is blurring up even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing for that day. Practice…study…and then it’s over in a flash and the day is gone as if someone had pressed the fast forward button. Why has so much time passed…and yet time is still not at the place I want it to be. I think all in all I just want time to stop so I can practice longer…or study longer…or exercise longer. The day then fades away and it’s dark outside. Go to bed and time moves further…it gets scary. I know I say I want to move forward with everything…it’s the stuff in the middle that scares me. It seems everyone has this idea of how people should be and act…and most of the time I don’t fit that criteria. I used to love that about myself…and maybe I still do. It’s just that I’d be easier to please if I wanted normal things in life…but I’m one of those insane people who want to change the world.

That’s right…that’s what I would tell everyone in high school and even in junior high…when I was allowed to dream. I’d change the world with my music. Make the world a better place. It didn’t matter how I would do it…hell I even wrote about it in my English Papers. Those were the only positive things I wrote about. Some sick dream I had about changing the world be entering an industry filled with sexism and cheap money grabs. Maybe I wanted to be like Bob Marley or John Lennon…people who actually sang about the troubles the world was going through. That era is over though…but who cares. The world is still screwed up. Maybe me singing about it will get a few ears and then slowly…slowly…the world will change…1% of the world will change. I’ve always liked the Beatles…you know when their music became extremely deep. I’ve always wanted my music to have a ton of depth…and now I think it has reached the point where it satisfies me. All my music now has so much meaning to it…the more I write the more deep it gets. Sometimes I don’t even have to put words…the music just forms a life of its own and it goes from there…as if someone speaking a foreign language was telling you an exciting story…you know it gets interesting when the speaker gets louder.

I don’t want to say people are stupid now…but I think that most people love routine. It’s hard to get anyone to appreciate my music or anything I do creative…but then they do…and when they do it’s the best feeling in the world. I wish I can multiply that feeling over and over again. Even when I write a love song…it ends up not being just any love song. It becomes a spider falling in love with an Angel knowing that the angel will never notice him. I don’t know why I do that. Sometimes I’ll hear other musicians go for that kind of scenario and then I’ll hear someone complain that the song is too complicated and should be just about a Ferris wheel and cotton candy…which I wrote about too(Delightful Carnival). In music what I write is called program music…because everything has to have a label. I guess if everything I wrote was “art music”(classical music….as if other forms of music aren’t art.)  Then I’d be a Program dude…but I don’t know.

I like what Bruce Lee said about Martial arts and I always live by what he said. Labeling yourself and confining in a style is holding you back. To be free of all styles is the true way to fight. I feel that way about music. A lot of people tell me “what kind of music do you write”. I never know how to answer it.

When I was a kid I would call my music “classical bounce” because I would mix strings piano and cello with a drum set. Now I just say “other”. Unfortunately people like to listen to stuff that sounds like something else they like….and you can hear influences in my music…from Pink Floyd to Bach. I think on a lyric stand point I try to be like Mewithoutyou a little bit. He tries to say a message by telling a story…which is what I love doing. I end up doing it in all my songs I believe. If you listen to the lyrics of my song, there’s always some story going on so never take it literal. Sometimes I’m not even me in my songs…(which is what Dir en grey does). I think most people think when a musician says “I” they’re about to tell you their story…that’s not the case…I think…at least with the music I hear.

Hopefully this week works out and doesn’t go by too fast.

March 17, 2015

For some reason my brain doesn’t want to work today…I don’t know why…I think it’s just one of those days. When these days happen I usually just do tedious things that I have to do. So that’s basically all I did today. Tedious things…I might stay up pretty late tonight because I don’t think we can sleep on the phone…because she’s away…usually when that happens I can’t help but to keep my eyes open in the dark. What’s the point of keeping my eyes open in the dark when I could be doing something valuable with my time? Sometimes being sleeplessly tired just takes over and all of a sudden I’m left doing things and feeling miserable. It’s a strange type of miserable. I don’t know if that’ll happen tonight. For all I know I could just fall asleep like normal.

This whole day has kind of been a little weird…just the day itself and the weather. It all has this familiar feeling. It takes me back to a time where I want to be…but I don’t remember which time that was. All I know is that this time is the scariest. I wish I could figure out everything and then make it happen in a snap. I find myself getting angry and frustrated easier than normal. I don’t know what that is. Maybe all those bad feelings are coming back. They’ve been away for a while…but I don’t care if they come. It’s funny I sometimes think that people make themselves feel this way. Maybe you think like that too. I used to think the ones overly sad just made themselves feel that way just for the sake of sorrow…but whenever something bad happens even if it’s been months the sorrow swoops around you and takes a bite whenever it wants. You can’t really predict when it’s going to come…then it does.

..but for some reason people can’t stand when I’m showing my emotions. Whenever I’m mad or something they get mad at me. I think it’s always been like that…because of that, I think I’ve trained myself to bottle my emotions…which is why I explode sometimes in here…or is why I write a journal in the first place. Then again maybe they don’t get mad at me and I just feel that vibe or something like it’s all in my head. Spin spinning. Running helps. I have to run to release stress…put on heavy metal and go. It literally creates a good work out. I think today though is like a calm. I feel calm, but at the same time uneasy…as if a storm is over or something…but that’s just me being weird. I’m one of those people who thinks the world is against me…I’m sure there’s a mental illness associated with it somewhere in the vast space of…putting a name on everything.

What do you call people who don’t like what the majority like?

What do you call people who only like one type of president?

What do you call people who lie very subtly?

I don’t know why I asked all of that. I think I’m trying to make a point that not everything needs a name…but names help when you’re trying to categorize the mess that life is.

March 18, 2015

Man it’s already the 18th. It’s crazy whenever you have a set schedule…everything just seems to go by faster…as if time wasn’t going by fast enough. I wish everything wasn’t a number…but then again how else would people categorize everything. Today I just relaxed…I’ll probably study later on tonight. I mainly wrote music today. I started writing this Samba song that’ll probably be used for a game of mine. Oh and I did fall asleep pretty fast last night which wasn’t what I was expecting…maybe because I was already in bed when she told me good night. Also, I think I’m still in a calm…that is until someone reminds me of what I was who I am and what I will become…in their own vision and not my own.  I need to start making advertisements for myself. I know when this new band of mine finally starts recording I’ll hype it up with some introduction videos. It’ll be awesome. I have to think big right? I also have to make an advertisement for the youtube channel so that when people visit the channel they know it’s an actual channel with frequent uploads and not just some page that uploads every so often. That’s why I started doing Game Analyzer. Music Videos take so long to plan and the editing phase takes even longer. Game Analyzer barely takes any effort so that way they’re more frequent.

I don’t know how I’m going to upload anything tomorrow. It seems like everything is going to clash tomorrow. The band is finally having a rehearsal again and that has to happen. I need to make a list of things that need to be covered and cover them. With Tyler’s new job things may get hectic. We’re going to have to cover a lot in the practice and live with it…I have to try to make it fun too…maybe working really hard will be fun enough. “After the Atomics” is going to sound so rusty. Even though we may practice it by ourselves I have a feeling Tyler might need a flash back because I don’t know that he has had time to practice…but that’s okay. We’ll do what we need to, finally sing the song and then maybe work out Chris’s song( I think he’s finished with it). I think we need to approach Tyler’s music a different way this time…I don’t know I think I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Yeah I’m never bored. I don’t think it’s humanly possible for me to be bored unless I’m watching tv…which sometimes I’m forced to do that. I always feel like time is running out…ha I even give myself deadlines. Speaking of that, I pushed my sign up for the test back because of fear and uncertainty. My plan is to sign up April 1st. That’s okay though. I want to be sure I know what I’m doing when I take the test and there’s no need to rush into it right away. I can’t let people rush me. I’m studying for the test not them. I’ll decide when I’m ready…but no worries. This is so silly…but I have to have time for…video

games…at least an hour or something. I was making game analyzer and I realized that I’m running out of ideas pretty fast. I did Mario…Smash Bros is one I can talk about…and then Shenmue…and then….what? That’s all I got! Yesterday I started playing Kirby’s epic yarn(it made me sleepy)…it’s a nice game. I tired playing Metroid…but I had no idea what the hell was going on with the story. I think I was playing a sequel to something. Ridley was dead…but yeah don’t worry I’m not going to go full nerd and just play games…though it’s tempting….just kidding.

My feet hurt real bad…so I think I’ll leave it at that.

March 19, 2015

I’ve been thinking of soft music all day. I don’t know why…I think deep down I’ve always appreciated slow soft music. It calms me down and makes me feel like a kid again. It gets me away from being worried about all the things I have to worry about. I had fun today. The band finally got to rehearse and it was fun playing and singing After the Atomics. I never really get tired of it…but it’s the total opposite of what is going through my head right now. I’m not sure what tomorrow holds for me…I think I’ll just play it by ear. I feel like my world is trying to shape itself into what it’s supposed to be…lately I’ve been feeling satisfied…when I think of things I want to do, I suddenly do them. I don’t think up of an excuse anymore…maybe it’s because I don’t have an excuse anymore. My academic life is probably over unless it’s just one or two more classes. I think that fact is set into my mind. I know a lot of people are probably against that fact…but for some reason I’m satisfied…it’s kind of crazy. I feel like I’m done being a kid.

I can’t wait till I get the test over with…and then hopefully can stand my job. Even if it’s hard…every job is hard and annoying…and nobody really enjoys their job…well most people. So I think even if my job is annoying I’ll just accept it anyway. I really have no other choice. Then the seeds will hatch and hopefully everything will work out to where my childhood visions come true…all of them. Isn’t that what life is? Why go through life wanting to do something and then letting everything talk you out of it? I think for some people, their dreams die along the way and they accept this reality that people tell them. How it’s supposed to work…but nothing works…and there’s not a thing anyone can do to change that. No matter who the president is people will hate him because that’s the cool thing to do. There will always be murderers and there will always be war. Why dread over that? There’s nothing me or you can do to change that. Maybe if we were a rich royal family we could run for president…but then we’d have to bs our way to the presidency…and then during our first term…plan out how we’re going to bs our next election…we can voice our opinions, but you know how that goes…you might as well scream on deaf ears. and I’m on a tangent.

My point is to just do the things that you wanted to do forever. I’ve always wanted all of my characters to come to life…and all of my characters to come to life. I think it’s all planted already. I have to just keep working hard on this path. I know it’s the right path and that I may seem crazy or delusional…but that’s what this life of mine is all about…and will be all about. No matter how many people try to talk me out of it…I think they’re just wasting their breathe…and that’s too bad.

  1. Retention                         Piano Solo
  2. Disney Death Dance    Chamber
  3. Lonely War Hero      Trio
  4. Enola                       String Quartet
  5. Strange Party Guests     Sound Track
  6. Suicide      Soundtrack
  7. I walk into the Abyss      Soundtrack
  8. Furtivo!                               Instrumental
  9. Not yet   Vocal
  10. Dark Lullaby    Soft Melody

March 21, 2015

I was just brain storming some ideas I have…since I have so many songs I’m thinking of calling them a collection and maybe advertising them…just as practice for the band’s album. Web wise anyway. I think it will be fun. I wrote a Samba song…or at least it’s Sambaesk. I called it “Furtivo!” which is Spanish for sneaky…because it’s for a game. In the game you go through a level where you meet a Hispanic Superhero and the boss is Hispanic as well. I didn’t plan for that to happen. Chris wanted to put a character in the game and I figured since he’s drawing for it he definitely deserves that. So I replaced the Hitman character with the firey super hero character he invented which is for the best. The hitman character kind of sucked…but yeah this was the first time I attempted to write anything Latin. I have a feeling if I tried it again it would sound similar. That’s the problem with me. Whenever I focus on writing a style, the songs usually sound the same… so maybe if I attempt it again, it’ll just be a part within a song with many styles incorporated….but “Furtivo” is all Latin.

That’s what I spent most of the night doing…and all of the morning…and it’s still not finished. I still think have to add more dynamics I think. I want to make it sound exactly how I want it to…just get all of the details down. Details…I don’t like that part…but I have to do what I have to do. I can write one more song for this collection of songs. I’m bad with naming Albums…or at least it takes a while. “Wet My wings” was a pretty good name for that Phoenix Splash Album. I’ve had the name “Walking Forward”, and “Lonely Music” in mind before. This was before the whole uh thing. I was planning to make a solo album with this awesome music I would write or something…but I can still write music.

What have I been doing? Well I’m building up my portfolio online. I think it is too small even though I have Enola, it is just one song that’s 17 minutes long. People these days have short attention spans and only care about recordings…so all the music I have that’s only written…doesn’t really help when people look for composers and don’t know the music language…hell even the ones that do know music…still…only care about recordings…so recordings recordings recordings…that’s the way I’m going. I started an account on ID(an independent game sight). I believe it’s where Five nights at Freddy’s started out…and that game is huge. I was using Odesk which didn’t really help. There were composition jobs, but they offered sketchy  jobs…anndddd….I didn’t get picked…and my account got flagged because they

thought I was fake or something. I fixed it…but then it got flagged again…so I think whenever I try to apply…people just flag me because they think I’m spamming my youtube channel even though that’s a good place to hear my music. I’m moving on from that sight. Don’t worry I’m still studying for pharmacy…don’t freak out. I just want to start writing music for something that I don’t create…if it makes me money that’ll be good, but I can’t ask for much because I hardly have a fan base(1 or 2 people) and little experience(Fright to Win) that I have to find test players for so that it could finally be released. I should make a commercial for it or something.

That’s what I’ve been doing….also researching how to do various things about music stuff and all the technical aspects of things that no one hears about. It’s funny…whenever I think of (fan base) I think of these silhouettes that have their back turned towards me and are facing these giants that have all the power they need. It’s like another world…the Cyber world…a world with a bunch of shadows that are all anonymous. They’re creepy…they say anything without anyone knowing it’s them…so yeah…there are tons of racists…I guess all of that is still alive in people. It’s pretty crazy.

March 22, 2015

Man this day has been pretty weird almost as if it’s surreal. I went pretty crazy yesterday…as if I couldn’t rest without constantly doing something…so I kept doing things till about four. Writing…writing and all of that jazz…it felt like sleep was impossible. I feel pretty miserable. At least I’ve been feeling miserable lately…I can’t put my finger on why. I don’t think I ever can. Probably has something to do with the fact that this will probably be the final week before everything is set and done. Pretty soon I’ll be moving on from the classification of “student”. The next “class” or “semester” will be a thing of the past…and then what? Will I be even more miserable? Or will things finally start to make sense? The way people talk about things the more miserable it looks…makes me question the point of living.

I feel like this is such a bad time…there are so many misfortunes happening to different people right now…almost like a domino effect…or some kind of sick virus. It spreads form one person to the next…and I definitely don’t have it the worst. There’s just so much confusion happening right now with everyone. When will all of this be over? I feel like I’m trying to drag something that doesn’t want to move and I just keep forcing it to move…but today I just decided to chill with it. Just for today…I took a nap after I ran. I haven’t taken a nap in a long time…but that’s what lack of sleep does. Somehow in-between naps I beat Outrun(a video game)….that was pretty cool.  Sometimes I do just want to drive away from everything and never look back…just drive real far away with Raeleen and never look back…and then…stop at the beach or something. That’s what I always imagine while playing that game. The game is pretty relaxing though.

Yesterday I did some research about how to get random people to notice you on the web(primarily). I know a band has to play gigs and stuff…but my band isn’t ready yet. So I’m just experimenting with different things. Well anyway I found a whole community dedicated to trolling this guy. I thought to myself how stupid that was…but then realized that more than anything, people really love to laugh at other people. Isn’t that so stupid? Trolls. Whenever it’s something more impressive than them they just avoid it…constantly looking for someone to laugh at. The joke is on them though. The famous person that we talk about is not any troll in particular, but the victim. In the end he’s the star. I used to think trolls were just kids messing around, but this particular case had an entire website dedicated to trolling this guy…unless kids are creating websites now…I just thought that was interesting.

I did “start” a “blog” on WordPress…I finally got my account to work. I didn’t realize I was already posting entries in there. I believe I had those beginning ones that were pretty tough to read. That must have been before I was putting them on Facebook.

For anyone who cares.

https://wordpress.com/posts/diaryofaconfusedmusician.wordpress.com

0 views 0 likes. Ha. It always makes me laugh seeing that. Especially on the Game Analyzer…because I’m making content “pretty good” it’s just no one has discovered them yet. Or if they have they run due to lack of audience…and there I am trying my best to a small crowd…but it’s fun. I have fun with it. I used to do vlogs. I think those are somewhere on my computer…that was when I lost my journal. They were awful, but they got me comfortable talking in front of a camera…but I wasn’t a fan of it. That semester went by so fast…it depresses me…I wish I would’ve done more with Phoenix Splash during that time. The time just flew by. All I did was make a game that no one wants to play…but I like the game. I think I’ll play it again soon just for the sake of having fun.

I think I’ll leave it at that. I hope this negativity that’s spreading around doesn’t strike you…and if it already has just hold your head high and close your eyes. It’ll all be over before you know it. If your nose is bleeding then don’t hold your head high…that’s not a good idea…I think or is it? I forgot.

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