The End of March and all of April

March 24, 2015

Whew today was kind of a back and fourth day. I felt like I’ve accomplished a lot today. Back and forth just getting things done and I’m still ready for more…so I think I’ll do more in a little while.  It felt good to get some feedback from people I didn’t know from Game Analyzer….even though it was on a facebook group rather than the channel. They can be Easter eggs and that will be fine I think. They enjoyed what I had to say about Mortal Kombat. It was the Shenmue group by the way…and I told them I planned to do Shenmue. That was going to be my first one, but I wanted to get experienced before I did it. The next one I’ll talk about is Smash Bros. because I just found out something cool about it that I want to point out. So if anyone else thinks of it and types it in a search bar, my video will come up hopefully. I felt extremely frustrated this morning, but then I shared the video and felt really good. I read a lot today.

There was a piece of the pharmacy puzzle I was missing that wasn’t on the website, but I saw some practice questions that had to deal with diseases and stuff…so now I’m reading about them in the text book and the information is kind of interesting. It’s so fun reading about the brain and what exactly happens when you get pissed or frustrated…it’s like we’re all some kind of unpredictable machines that can go haywire at any second. We can create and destroy…and then we can get fixed by medicines. I see why there’s a conspiracy that we’re all just machines created by an alien race and just put on Earth. We are like machines. I always admired the Health field in that regard…and studying this feels like I’m studying life. Not some theories that people made up for the sake of making them…but there’s still so much I don’t understand. My plan is to read a chapter a day and really study it…then on Thursday read like the rest of them or 4 of them. If it takes longer then that’s okay. As long as I keep pushing myself there’s nothing wrong with overkill study. Ha…that’s my motto anyway.

I’m pretty excited for tomorrow. Finally get the band over for a rehearsal. I kind of have in my mind what I want to happen. We’ll do the songs we know, then I’ll show them the new stuff and then we’ll write out Tyler’s song. So basically we’ll be bringing in new material…probably three more songs….which will be pretty cool. We’ll introduce all of them…because I know Chris and my song are practically ready. So that will be that. Hopefully everyone has practiced and we don’t have to review too much…because we’re on borrowed time. I might be up really late tonight finishing what I have to. I still haven’t practiced yet. Did I nap? I don’t think so. This morning was kind of a blur. Not to mention I still have to find someone to test Fright to Win….hopefully that Danny guy will do it. So I guess you can say I’m pretty busy. It could be because of my insanity that I’m doing all of this…maybe I am going crazy…but that’s life right?

Crazy. Yeah I’m crazy…just suddenly doing things that I was afraid of doing before…but I’m doing them right. Still gotta put that music video somewhere in all this craziness. Probably work on that on the weekend. It doesn’t really have a time limit. I also want to write that song where I use synthesizers…kind of like my Mortal Kombat song, but it will totally be original. So I gotta put that in the schedule…and record the Samba song…which is now finished. Yeah I want to keep building up my online “portfolio” because that’s what people will look at these days. So yeah a whole lot to do these days…but it’s fun and I feel really satisfied…all in all it’s not too bad though. I still have free time. I guess it’s all about managing your time. I figured out that if you do things at certain times you end up with a lot of free time almost like magic. So even when I get my job I’ll figure out when and where to do all of these things still. Hell I was in high school from 8 in the morning to sometimes 11 at night and still pumped out more than one “album”. Just gotta never give up doing the things that make me feel satisfied.

March 25, 2015

Do you ever have those days where absolutely nothing goes the way you envisioned it. I guess it’s one of those pet peeves of mine. Whenever I plan for something to happen ahead of time, I need it to happen on that day because then it interferes with things that I have to do other days and my whole schedule is improvised. It drives me nuts…but I’m trying not to get mad. I’m not mad at people per say…though I do get mad when people try to be smart asses and say “Oh I told you this would happen” even though they never told me that would happen in any way shape or form. I swear people say the meanest things to me and I’m always holding my tongue because for some reason I don’t want to piss off people…oh but when I let it slip…and once in a huge while I’ll just stop caring and burst. One sentence is all I need and they explode. That’s how battles start. I have this theory that I have a very unlikable face. People just tend to not like me very much…especially males. Most people I want to meet either want to kick my ass or try to pick on me mentally…but no matter what I hold my tongue and try not to make anyone mad…just for some false hope that one day they’ll like me…but what happens?

They end up hating me more…they make lies about what I say or did to demonize me to the few that actually like me and so forth…and it works. I used to think “Oh no one will believe them…they know me well enough”…but if the right people lie about me…it’s their word over mine…even though I’m me! This has happened multiple occasions and makes me wonder why I even hold my tongue. Then the next day they go to church and forcefully convince themselves that they’re good people…but their God knows that they’re dirt…sorry…but it’s true. If you claim to believe God sees and knows everything and then you go and make lies about people then you don’t believe your claim. That’s all there is to it. You’re just pretending to believe to create an illusion that you’re a great person…and that’s all you need because you don’t talk to God. The only people you talk to are the ones that you fool every day.

Well I don’t know where that came from. I guess I’m lost in thought. I got pretty frustrated today it seemed like everything I was doing today just wasn’t working. Every idea, every note, everything I read just went over my head. It’s like everything wants to suck. I’m usually sad when this happens but I’m a little angry now. I’m typing really hard. Ha I’m just kidding. I guess it’s just one of those days…but it’s not a Monday it’s a Wednesday…so the day should have been okay. I got a good amount of sleep too and didn’t wake up too late. So I don’t know what happened. Everything just took so long to do and I’m still not finished. Maybe today should be a long night where I just try to finish everything at once…but those don’t usually work out too well. Maybe I’ll study more tonight. Maybe I should experiment more with that because I only usually study in the morning or afternoon…I think…but man it’s already so late now.

But yeah…I still don’t understand people…I don’t even understand myself. It’s like I don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes…and I know I’m not always a good person. My goal is to always be real and not let anyone force some ideal that I have to be someone they want me to be….and to not be a tool and I don’t want to make anyone feel like a tool either. I don’t know if I always succeed in that or if anyone even notices I do that.

March 27, 2015

Man today didn’t go as planned. Did it? I don’t feel mad though…well I did at first. I don’t know how I feel right now really. I guess It is what it is and there’s really nothing you can do about these things sometimes. Noise is really getting to me today. It seems that whenever I’m concentrating, there’s something making a lot of racket. That seems to be today’s theme. What does that teach me? To ignore the annoying….I guess. Maybe this is all the after effects of all that studying I did yesterday. Yesterday was such a blur. I uploaded the video and studied practically the whole day without any breaks. Reading the next chapter after chapter on the only aspects left that I don’t understand.

That’s what it boils down to…but even when things seem life they’re almost at the climax there ends up being a ton of extras added to them. I’ve read about people only studying two weeks for this test…but I think those people may have had some kind of background in all of this. I don’t know. It just seems like too much stuff for two weeks. Then again there are some people who are just really good at taking tests even without knowing the material. The only way I do well on a test is if I study the material extremely well…and know what I’m doing. This is the part where I say something and you say it’s wrong…ha. At least it’s better than not saying anything at all. Like the ghosts of this time.

Ghosts. Oh I’m learning a new piano piece finally. I have about four down that I can play pretty well. I want at least 8 so I can be a one man concert whenever I need to. Right now I’m learning the Maple Leaf Rag. It’s pretty fun to play and really works out your fingers. I’ve always liked listening to it…and I think it’ll make me better. I’m going to find a nice jazz piano song sooner or later and that’ll be the next one I tackle. It just takes so long to master a piano solo and sometimes you just have to be patient. I think some people don’t understand that the piano player plays all the harmonies when he’s doing a solo and piano is so flexible so you can write almost anything and it would work for piano.

I keep yawning lately I don’t know what it is. At least that means I won’t be staying up super late because of thinking. Last night was troublesome. I kept thinking about my life from beginning to now …which is what I do from time to time. I started with that depressing note I wrote in 4th or 5th grade. Now that I think about it, it was fourth grade. Chris met my old kindergarten teacher today(Mrs. Weskot) . How strange. He’s studying to become a school teacher and had to go watch teachers teach. That’s crazy how she still remembered me. I hardly have any memories of Kindergarten that I enjoyed. I remember crying a lot because I didn’t want to be there…and some kind of rodeo thing that they did…and my best friend of whom I only talked to during Kindergarten. I was a strange kid even back then. I remember coloring my pig green and Mrs. Weskit got mad at me for not coloring it pink. I wanted my pig to be green like the ones in Star Wars. Like Thok.

Long story short, she kept making me recolor it till I finally decided it would be pink. I guess even back then they don’t want you to be different. Standing out is always a big no no. Just fit into the system. Don’t question if pigs can be green…don’t even think it. Just color it pink and fit in. I wanted my pig green dammit! Ha. I remember always sitting in a circle…but I don’t know what we did in that circle. Come to think of it…I think I was in the first class she ever taught…maybe…because she had just replaced this other teacher who got pregnant. Maybe that’s why she remembered me. I was a strange child who did strange things…but didn’t want to get into trouble. Ha those were funny memories. They would make us do some silly things…and I would just have a straight face while doing them…and my parents have it on video.

March 29, 2015

I think today I was just being selfish. I kind of had a breakdown yesterday night…I had this reoccurring thought that my music is cursed because it’s associated with me. Maybe more people would give it a chance if it were associated with someone else… someone with a better face or better personality…or even a girl. Then maybe people would be more obligated to like it and even have some sort of response to it…but it’s doomed because it knows Josh by association…at least that’s what I think…most of the time in my life it would always be up to me to go up to people and make friends. I feel like I must have done something extremely bad a long time ago and ever since then I’ve been demonized and everything associated with me shall be ignored unless someone who has no idea who I am finds it. For everyone else that knows me it’s doomed to obscurity.

I used to think it was just in my family, but I think High School was similar…ACC was a little different…but I think it’s because everyone I was with was a musician as well. That’s just how it was and everyone kind of does their own thing. There is some intimidation…but most of the friends I made are in my band right now…so they’re kind of obligated to listen to what I write. It’s kind of like a forceful thing…man yesterday was just so bad…but the day went pretty well…yesterday. The band finally got to practice. I recorded El Frutivo and everything went well. I don’t know why or how I exploded into that dark place. Maybe I was getting fed up with everything. I feel like the seeds should be sprouting at least a little bit right now…for some reason I feel like nothing is working…I was thinking about just quitting everything and then well the thinking turns into the darkest thoughts one can think. I think I fell asleep at about four something. I had to play a video game to get myself out of that horrible place. Fire Emblem cheered me up with its silliness then I forgot I was even feeling down.

This morning I woke up thinking “I’m not going to care about pleasing anyone today”…and I didn’t. When there was something I was expected to do and I didn’t feel like doing…then I just didn’t do it. Why please them? They would probably feel the same way about me anyway…and I was right. I got the same amount of respect as I normally would. So…I think that’ll be me from now on. If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you…if you ignore me then expect to get the same treatment. That’s just what I’ll do from now on. No more trying to change myself to this person that says everything politically correct. Where has that got me?….people turning on me, people calling me “loser” and “stupid” as a nickname, friends stabbing me in the back for no apparent reasons, and people taking my opinions as useless fluff. That was eating at me yesterday. Why would people want to listen to music from someone with that history? That someone who damaged friendships for that one time he spoke his mind and was saying when something was unfair. People didn’t care that it was unfair…they were already used to it being unfair and questioned me for speaking up. I was always alone on that battlefront…Just me with my blade ready to be executed but willing to fight anyway. I think that’s how it’s always been for me. In the end people just want me to shut up and have zero creativity. Even if I can write symphonies…it’s me that’s writing them…and that’s more than enough reasons not to even give it a chance.

That was the battle within my self yesterday. It drove me mad…it kind of still drives me mad. What I need is an army to fight alongside me. People who aren’t afraid to call things bullshit when they are bull shit. Then go from there…and rule the world.

March 31, 2015

I didn’t realize I didn’t write yesterday. Yesterday would have been a good day to write…but I think I was worn out by the end of it. I think I still have a lot to do…so many things I find myself not ever being in a state of mind saying “I’m Bored” there’s always another project for me to take on…and I feel like it’s endless, but that’s okay. I want to do these things and I won’t let anyone or anything stop me or discourage me. That’s about all there is to it…I want to get everything done early for some reason…but it ended up being done at the same rate I always do. I did a Shenmue Medley. Shenmue was the game I’ve always wanted to Analyze and I was going to do it after Mario…but then for some reason I didn’t. I guess I wanted more time with it. I liked how it turned out. I haven’t edited the video, but it sounds easy to edit because I’m not constantly listing things like in the Smash Bros one. It felt good finally covering some Shenmue music…even though no one will realize how much heart and effort I put into it. The reaction of…”oh……cool….moving on”. I hate that reaction….and yet that’s the reaction everything I do gets…either that or just nothing at all…and of course I have to instigate it…but I guess that’s life.

The band came over yesterday. We had a good time and learned a new song…or at least played through it pretty slow. I think we have After the Atomics down to a point where it is listenable…but by no means is it perfect. I think the only song we have right now that’s close to perfection is Joker…all the other songs still need some work…I gotta get picky. Don’t want to be like those bands that just care about making noise. Hard work makes a difference…or so I’m told…I’m sure good looks make the difference too…so I’ll combine them. I have a theory that getting a fan base and actually getting people to actively listen to your music(not just people who sub and sub back) is like building an army. You have to go out there and explain your cause and as a result people will follow you in your battle against the world. I think that’s why KISS always referred to their fans as the KISS army. There are many bands that call their fans names…I also hear it in wrestling a lot. Jericholics….the peeps…and of course…hulkamaniacs maybe that’s just some secret marketing scheme you don’t find on the internet researching. I think that marketing schemes are probably kept pretty secret.

Everyone keeps their secrets when it comes to how they achieved popularity…I don’t know why they do that….even the people who are huge. They pretend that it was just “victim of a circumstance” and that “they were just so special”.  No one talks about how much work was put into marketing or trying to get the right connection. Well some do…I guess they just want to believe that they’re extraordinary…but I’ve heard people in practice rooms that can sing better than most people who have “it”…but then again I don’t know how all of that stuff works. It kind of feels like royalty…it seems like the same stars are getting the same spot light these days. Even movies are starting to change to where an older character is the main character…to keep that generation of actors acting. So odd…

Well here’s to wishing that I’ll get famous in that way everyone talks about…randomly, blindly…all because I have “it”. What is “it”? It’s not skill…it’s marketability. I guess I’ll have to Yoshiki everything.

April 2, 2015

You get up in the morning planning to go at it again…every day. That’s what you do until you’re stabilized…and go through the same routine every day of your life. The only thing that’s on your mind are food and…well I wouldn’t know. I’m kind of going through the same thing. Failure after failure…week after week. It drives me insane. I know I am insane. I can end up losing my mind and offing myself. These little things that I do don’t seem to get me anywhere and the next thing I know I’ll be taking the PTCB exam and everything will be a flush. Not that anyone will care. As long as I’m the least successful and most depressed one in the room they’ll have some sort of satisfaction. I sound paranoid…but I wish it weren’t true. People say so many lies and act as if they’re performing a play…then in the back they become monsters. I’ve always told myself to be a good person and never be fake…and then maybe it’ll get me somewhere.

All I get is more hard work put on me and nothing to show for it. I work my fucking ass off and it just gets me in this static. Just annoying and not even worth watching or listening to…and if you do you’ll end up going crazy. Why is it like this? Sometimes I ask myself why people go crazy for certain things…very stupid things…most art is ignored. I like to blame it on that whole idea don’t I? That my music is just sooo good that it’s ignored because it’s so good. If it were any good it would at least get some reaction some follow up some light…t=but then what if it is cursed by me and this is all just hell. Me trying my hardest and hardest and then it getting shoved back into my face. I just want to punch a wall right now…oh maybe I should try talking to someone…sometimes I think what I have to say gets the same treatment as everything else I do. It’s like that song “Voiceless Screaming”. Maybe I just need to get out of here. Somehow. That’s why this chapter is called “Somebody save me” right? That’s what I’ve always dreamed. Someone that can just snap their fingers to make me a star magically does so…but this isn’t a made for tv movie. This is the true life of a musician. It’s an emotional roller coaster.

People get impressed for only a few seconds and even then they won’t remember anything you do…well most people. The things that they really care about are the things everyone else already cares about which creates a chicken or the egg question. Where did all these fans already come from when this thing started? Do people actually have open minds? I think I answered it before. My old theory was that these companies target kids and they are the initial fan base…then the adults like it because all they see are the numbers they don’t see “one million 12 year olds like this”. They see something that is worthy of their attention…because they’re so royal…or at least that’s the way they view themselves. Their opinions are high and mighty and they compare it to everything they’ve enjoyed in life so far. The kid though…the kid is still gathering things in his or her head. So what now I have to target kids? I suppose.

That’s even what adult television shows do now more or less. Mortal Kombat even did that. The most successful franchises have targeted kids. Nintendo, Disney, Starwars…it all makes sense. Kids watch cartoons so the correct approach would be to place music in cartoons that have air time. Now how the hell do you do that? I don’t know. Or air a commercial about this crazy band that dresses up like bad asses. That should work. At least that’s thinking ahead.  I’ve heard that once you hit 20 you start living in the past. I know that’s probably happened to me to. Music wise it’s hard for me to find new source material. I was in a period where I went back in time to the 1800s listening to the music of back then. Music that most people have forgotten. I’ve given Lady Gaga, and all of them a chance…but they’re kind of getting older now…and besides Pop has never been my thing. I never liked Pop. The people there are under the false impression that they have to keep writing the same music over and over to keep the audiences attention…but you can put anyone in that position and they’ll get a reaction. Negative or positive…these days that doesn’t matter anymore these days. You can thank American Idol for that.

This is me just typing words…because I’ve studied all day. Don’t even know why … Sometimes I just want everything to hurry…but I need money to do anything and money will come from Pharmacy Tech. The thing that almost killed me….unless something else comes along…but stuff like that doesn’t happen to me now does it?

April 3, 2015

My body is completely aching. Yesterday…after I wrote I just ran for like three hours. I figured I could take out some aggression with running and I did. I ran as fast as I could towards the end listening to the Smash Bros soundtrack. It really couldn’t get much better than that. So as it turns out the Shenmue Analysis got a good reception and in terms of relevance, topped all of the other Game Analyzers in one day. I thought that was interesting. I didn’t expect Shenmue to do all that spectacular…I mean it’s not getting tons of views but it got way more than I expected it would. Anthony told me that it may be because it’s more of a cult following and he may be on to something there…with Cult games, big Youtube Channels don’t really go after them because they feel that they aren’t popular. With popular games people look towards channels that already have a big status. This is why the Super Smash Bros Analyze didn’t really get the big response I wanted. In fact it hardly got any response at all. So…the games that will work for me in the beginning are the games that have Cult status and ironically those are my favorite games. Of course sharing the video in the Shenmue 500K group probably contributed the most to the success. Also the help of that awesome person…

Though I enjoy making the Game Analyzers…at this point I kind of consider them an experiment because I need to understand what people will click on and what they won’t click on as I feel this can help me with my future. In this day and age “web status” is such a big factor and I need to do these experiments. My initial thought would be that people would click on something that they were familiar with but in reality it takes much more than just that. Competition plays in part too. If people are uploading a bunch of things about Smash Bros then my video will be pummeled…especially since many of the people already uploading smash videos have that web status. I also have to consider the types of people that like the game or subject. A lot of the Shenmue fans are pretty open minded and will give something a chance before deciding on whether or not they like something. This is why my video was even shared. Some even wanted to help me out and I thank them for that. With Nintendo it’s more of a trendy thing. They remind me of my cousins. They care about the here and now and people who already have a huge following. So if someone like me makes a Nintendo video, only a tiny tiny fraction will even give it a chance…and most that do won’t consider watching it the whole way through.

Shenmue is considered “not mainstream” therefore people already feel that they are likening something that not everyone else likes. This allows many of them to give me a chance and hear what I have to say. Even if they don’t respond they still did that…and yes for the first time on Game Analyzer someone whom I didn’t know personally responded in a comment. Actually I believe it was two.

Maybe this reason is why “genres” are so important. Ever since I began writing music I always hated sticking to one genre. I’ve always thought that it restricted everything and held everyone back…but even if we don’t have a genre we still have to pretend to have one and study what that genre of music does and what they’re fans do. As we witnessed with Smash Bros and Shenmue…there was an entirely different scenario. As for SNK… maybe I’ll find a group to share those ideas with and get a similar response to Shenmue. As far as music goes this kind of opens up a spectrum for me. Labels are important because they help people go through a bunch of things that are disorganized…and no one ever bothers going through “other”. I want to call the band I’m in Alternative Rock…but I need to look more into it. There may be a big difference from Alternative Rock and just plain Rock. I know with J Rock you have to have a strong appearance as well as a classically rock style. When I say classically I mean like classical music. One of the main problems I have with this type of music is that many of the people that like it are only drawn in by the appearance of the male members….one of the big problems with the Youtube channel is that many of the J rock fans would catch on because Chris would cover mainly Japanese music….then when we’d post our own they would ignore it or click on it thinking it was another Japanese Cover…and then click away…and whether we like it or not many people who like J rock will probably not like us because we’re just not that culture.. There are a few exceptions though but those people are the really open minded people who listen to music for the music. They do exist…

As far as the band goes I’ve decided to go with the “Army affect”. If you think about it that’s what successful High School bands do. We need to get as many people involved with us as we can even if they don’t have instruments in our hands…or even if they’re doing little tasks. I think that will make us successful. I believe KISS did this too and even create the illusion “KISS army”. Everyone felt involved even though they didn’t even know the band. X Japan did this when Yoshiki bought the studio and “discovered” all those bands. Together they grew…so yeah…other bands…other people….all of that. Strength in numbers isn’t just a saying. I’m 90% sure there’s some truth to it.

April 4, 2015

Wow. It just keeps growing. I honestly didn’t expect the video to do this well. If you haven’t seen it yet here it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv5kmVIHQEo

It’s kind of crazy how that worked out so well. I think it’s even still growing. I looked on Reddit and it didn’t seem to get too many happy people…or maybe the people who do like it are just silent on there. Yeah…some people hate Shenmue for some reason especially a lot of the media sites and stuff. Well this inspires me to make another episode. This time I’ll try a top ten…probably of Genesis. I have a good story that goes with our uncle just giving us a bunch of games. So the games we grew up playing were hidden gems and some classics…and some forgotten games. Plus I hear people are drawn to top tens and I I’ll admit I am too.

Well today I went out after I taught my little drum set player her lesson. She’s beginning to sound like a real drummer…I never would have thought that she would actually play the drums. It’s great to see her progress and in a way it’s like looking at my progress too…and it’s fun to do. After that Chris and I went to look for amiibos and came up empty handed…oh wait we bought two kick ass shirts….one NEO GEO and a Dream Cast shirt. They look pretty sweet. We bought something for my dad too…I also began writing…and my leg is still messed up do I didn’t run today. It was crazy to see throughout the day all the views the video was getting. I think it was a combination of the Shenmue group, Twitter, and Reddit that made it go so well. It’s done better than any video I’ve ever uploaded…way better than my music videos. It even got the people who knew me hyped up. So I’m glad people are helping it too.

I guess today’s will be short. There’s just so much I have to do right now…basically I want to get as much set up and finished before I get my job and stuff. I feel that things are finally going to work out…and if this Shenmue video is just an anomaly then it was a pretty fun anomaly.

April 5, 2015

Today felt a little surreal as if I just don’t want to stop thinking about things. Ideas just pop into my head as if it’s out of control…but I know eventually I’m going to have to calm them down to focus on one thing at a time and hope for the best on how they turn out. I have to be smart about them rather than just poop them out. Everything I do it feels like I have no excuse not to try everything I can think of…but now I’ve realized that I’ve never had an excuse all this time. Even when I get my job I still have to work my hardest even if that means sleepless nights. I have to push myself and continue to push myself to the limits…no matter what…because that’s what needs to happen. Man I’m doing so much writing and planning. I realize that when I plan my ideas turn out way better than when I just wing them….though, I see myself in the future just winging things from time to time because so many other things will get in the way with another. I can’t stop though. I have to be me and I have to live my life and achieve the goals I want in life because without those achievements there really is no point in living.

I have to be patient though…and while being patient I have to work my ass off even though sometimes I won’t get a reward…because eventually that reward will come some more sooner than others. Even though small numbers are shown, those small numbers add up…it’s all really simple in concept. The hard part is to even get those small numbers. 1. Joker 2. Long Live the Rhythm 3. Identity Climax  4. After the Atomics 5. Crazy Jump 6. Angry Raven 7. Tyler’s new song….maybe there should be ten Original songs on this album…after all it’s not our professional album…it’s something that we can play with and give to people…but we still need to make it as professional as we can. Not only that it needs to have a theme and not just snapshots of us goofing off. We need to let people that we’re serious and that our music is really important to us. So important I’m putting an “album intro” a short thematic song that will capture the essence of the other songs….there may be an outer song as well, or a secret track. We need to put as much as we can think of on the album and ultimately have a name…this is something we tend to have problems doing…I think when it comes to naming things we may have the idea that our song should be represented more. This is what I’m afraid of…the more we’re in competition with each other, the less we’re able to collaborate together. That’s just how things work. Even though it may be unintentional I sense that there may be some of that with us. That’s an easy fix though.

I wish the band stuff would move faster. I suppose the next thing I have to do soon is write out that new song Tyler wrote. I may do that today…we’ll see how tonight roles. In that case it’s going to be a long night and tomorrow will be no different. Either way I’m not giving up this fight…I don’t care if it kills me. I need to start taking less breaks…I think that’s the main problem right now. I also have to make sure I don’t cut my study times short…after all I did sign up for the test today. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t pass it.

April 6, 2015

Whew…what a day. I got out of the house today and did some store glancing all the while watching my Shenmue video continue to grow. Man that’s just so crazy. This is the first time anyone has viewed anything I’ve made so much. I know it’s not music…but this feeling still feels amazing. All my life I’ve been feeling ignored and underestimated…I’m finally glad I got to enjoy this experience. People are even sharing it. It just makes me pretty happy and man…I hope something good comes out of Game Analyzer.

April 7, 2015

I read through my old journal today. Sometimes I do that occasionally and I’m reminded of certain memories that I’ve forgotten. So many little cracks you know? I suppose people who don’t keep journals or diaries will probably lose those memories that slip through the cracks. Sometimes a normal day with just one person saying a sentence can have an effect on me or anyone. I like reminiscing…sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did certain things differently. Or I wonder if what would’ve happened if I had just never picked up an instrument. Stuff like that. I’d probably be a pharmacy tech by now and be okay with it…or maybe I’d be dead….one of the two…I probably would’ve picked up painting or some other art like that. I wish I knew how to code. Sometimes I start teaching myself but then get really confused on how it works. I’ve never taken a code class or whatever. It would help me big time if I knew how to create a web site…or someone that knew how.

I think if things go well I can see myself having a web site….maybe put the Game Analyzers on there…then put my games…then Chris’s Comics and have the universe finally available to the public. Of course we’d have to get all of those characters copy righted first…and I’d have to make the right choices on what I can upload for Game Analyzer. I’m sure if it makes money the game companies will shut it down….but there are people who make money off of Nintendo stuff so maybe I just have to figure out how to do that. Of course my music will also be on the page. One thing leads to another and there’s a whole new set of people willing to listen to my music(hopefully).

I just realized that the Shenmue Analyze had my piano piece “retention” as the intro. So many people heard it. In a way… that makes me feel pretty good. I’m sure no one was blown away by it…I mean it’s a piano piece. It’s hard to get anyone interested in those unless it’s a performance…I feel like things are going to finally work out…as if one of my eggs is close to hatching. Hopefully it’s brothers and sisters can follow in example. Ha it’s funny. I would always find an excuse not to do this stuff when I could’ve started all of this earlier. I wanted to finish school and then do all of this stuff I had in mind…but it doesn’t matter where I work…as long as it could support me. I need money to do certain things that I’m planning…and then in no time I’ll finally live the life I’ve always wanted to. I just have to try my hardest at every aspect of it. No more putting faith in strangers. Though some strangers were friendly, the majority of people love a crowd and when there’s a crowd there’s a bigger crowd drawn. So once I get that first crowd then hopefully in theory the thing would start building itself.

Man…I can’t believe it’s already been so long since everything has happened. I guess I ust had to mold myself into what I am now. To be honest I never really liked marching band in general as a High School kid. Sure I loved music…but marching band wasn’t music to me. It felt like we couldn’t enjoy it either because it was so strict or we had to be serious all the time. People would look down on each other and shout at them as if that made them stronger. All it did was make people hate them. Not that I ever got yelled at. Whenever someone messed up the music or something I would just point it out. I don’t

know…I didn’t like that part of school band. Concert band was cool though because it was all about the music…yet…it was marching band that everyone liked. I really never understood why. I guess that kind of stuff doesn’t really match my personality. I endured it though because I knew that staying in band would help me with music and it ultimately did. Without it I probably wouldn’t be as good of a drummer as I am.

My day is pretty much tedious…you know still sitting on eggs…by that I mean studying, practicing, writing etc. Writing in my journal helps get the creative juices coming. I hope you’re having a good day as well. The last thing I want is for someone to have a bad day…but if you are having a bad day then my suggestion is to stop and relax for the rest of it…because the next day will be a “brand new day”-Terry Bogard(after murdering a multimillionaire(Or so he thought!))

April 8, 2015

…man it feels like it’s pretty late….but in actuality it’s a little early…well I suppose it’s still late. I hope everything goes as planned for tomorrow. I feel like it will. I’ll get my studying done and all will be fine. I didn’t really do much today. I studied a little bit, but kept getting distracted by other things…like the Maple Leaf Rag. I think Wednesdays are just a preparation for Thursdays. Thursdays are usually exhausting these times…but it’s all good I need a day of hard work ahead of me. I was working a little hard today…but not as hard as I wanted to I guess.

The weather was pretty nice today. I went for a pretty good run but my leg was kind of hurting so I didn’t get to run as long as I wanted to. Classical music is pretty neat to run to. I ran to Brahms Symphony in C minor mixed with music from Fire Emblem…and I think I ran to…the Maple Leaf Rag. I don’t know why I like that song…I guess I’ve always wanted to write a ragtime song I don’t know why…but that’s always been on my mind for the longest time. Every time I hear rag it makes me thing of all the evil going on at that time…it has this feeling on hidden fear and torture as if it’s trying to come up with the happiest harmonies it can to escape the darkness of that time. It’s like a psychopath trying to tell itself that everything is okay when clearly it is not. I think that’s what I like about it and I think that’s why it may be the hardest thing to write and come up with on your own. Those times are over now though thank goodness…but people still have racist thoughts…I mean you can easily see that especially when you’re online.

I’ve always wanted to play a rag and now I’m satisfying that need. It’s really tough though…but I can get through it. I got half of it down….the rest is in development. Maybe I’ll upload it or something when I can play it perfectly. Maybe I should upload my other ones too. I think I can perform about 4 different piano solos right now…I just want to keep increasing that number to about 12 or 10…enough to have a full album. I’ll probably write some of them too…I don’t know why but I feel that Ragtime is looked down on for some reason. I love the classics like Chopin, but like I mention before, ragtime has this darkness that you have to discover. I can’t explain it. I think movies capture it pretty well though. I forget which movie, but I remember one where a bunch of racists were trying to kill people and it had Ragtime playing in the background….but yeah I think that’s why it’s hard to replicate that kind of music these days. That music was really identifying with the times.

Sorry you had to hear me talk about what the media calls “boring” music. Maybe next time I’ll write about my favorite song about butts.

April 9, 2015

Today was rather eventful. I don’t really know why it was, but it was filled with tons of emotions that I didn’t expect. This whole month has kind of been like that though. Especially lately… Harsh realities I suppose….though sometimes I really wish everything I envision would just happen in an instant…but I always have to be patient don’t I. “Don’t worry” I’ll tell myself. I’ll tell myself that all of this hard work will all be worth it….but maybe it will and maybe it won’t. I’ve noticed that the hard work I’ve been doing for the past 10 years is still “going to pay off”. I can grab life by the throat and make it my “bitch”. That’s advice I get sometimes. If you sit there and wait…nothing will happen. It’s not like the movies where everything happens in an instant. Everything is planned methodically.

That’s the way I see it anyway. Today was more of that hard work. I found myself slapping myself to stay awake to study. It’s like I keep losing endurance. Sometimes slapping myself or banging my head against something usually does the trick. Of course I’m in a study room when I do all of this. I’m not just some weirdo slamming my head into things. I don’t know how long I studied…it had to be more than 4 hours. It was so long…so my brain is a little fuzzy so I may be making no sense today and that’s okay. Life is better when I don’t make sense. I got this strange text this morning, but it made me feel good. It was from Tyler and I’m not sure what he’s going through, but he told me something I don’t often hear too much. Basically said I was “talented”. Usually whenever someone called me that there was always someone there to tell me “don’t let it get to your head”…or “you weren’t that good”. Today I didn’t have that problem. No one “put me in my place” so to speak.

Chris and I took Anthony to eat again. Felt like we owed him again for all the crap he has to go through to get to our house and deal with our compositions. Come to think of it I saw him quite a bit today. They had this open house things where I saw some old friends and their clubs. I found myself holding a bunch of wristbands and candy. The candy’s gone now…I think Chris ate it all. Ha. He would do that as a kid too….he’d just eat all my candy without me looking. Which is fine…I’m not really a sweets guy….sometimes. Then I ran for about an hour…maybe a little more. It felt comforting. It made me think like it always does. Sometimes I forget how many friends I actually have.  I always think I’m alone in some way shape or form. All in all I think I just have trouble talking to people in general. A lot of times I just awkwardly stare in silence and it can be pretty creepy. Well that’s enough for today. I think I’m pretty bushed.

April 13, 2015

I guess it has been awhile since I wrote. These past few days have been pretty nice to me. Well yesterday and today weren’t so nice to me…but I didn’t feel the need t write about it. Maybe because they weren’t so nice to me I was afraid I’d type something that I might regret or something. I had kind of a short fuse today. Anything just set me off and even though I woke up when I wanted to I was a little mad waking up. Other than that today was kind of boring so I’ll talk about the days I didn’t write. One of the days we had rehearsal. They’re starting to be the only days I look forward to now. It’s the one day I don’t feel so invisible. We had one hell of a rehearsal and afterward we played some Dreamcast. Anthony and Tyler had never played it before so it was a pretty good treat for them. We played the hell out of Power Stone 2 which in a way is like Smash Bros. After playing it I find it less frustrating than Smash Bros because they’re no cheap deaths. Then we played WWF royal rumble…and it sucked so bad it was funny.

I kept having a hard time thinking about four player games for the Dreamcast and realized that we didn’t play virtual tennis which would’ve been better than WWF. Ha…oh well maybe next time. I liked that day. Chu Chu Rocket would be an interesting game to play. I think that store has it…so I’ll probably get it next time. I think it’s that time of year where I enjoy Dreamcast again. I’ve forgotten how fun it is. Power Stone was brush of fresh air compared to the stressful Smash Bros. There’s just so many ways to die in Smash. Aside from the games our songs are getting better. I guess repetition and individual practice is the key. I can tell everyone is starting to take it seriously now which is more than I could ever ask for. It’s probably because we’re combining our songs and combining ideas. That’s as perfect as it can get…and of course we’re all friends. My initial idea would’ve involved people I found searching for random guitar players…it probably would have been stressful and I’d have trouble keeping the band together. Egos are extremely dangerous. Not that guitarists are the only ones with Egos. I think all musicians have some sort of arrogance. I know sometimes I have to tell myself I’m a good composer and a good musician otherwise I’ll want to give up and bury myself alive with my Dreamcast and amiibos.

Yesterday was awful. It seemed like everything I said or did was wrong in all ways. I kept thinking about Death and the thoughts kept coming. Death scares me…I mean it scares everyone no matter how religious or un religious you are…but obviously non-religious people I think would have harder times coping with Death. I’m not really religious. I’m not so sure there’s a Heaven and Hell and a judge to decide whether or not you’re good or evil. It almost seems impossible to decipher good and evil these days because everyone has different viewpoints.  So when I’m confronted with Death I guess I’m thinking about all of that stuff. There’s this common saying with scientist especially that when we die we just turn into nothing. Every memory and every skill we’ve ever had just gets deleted like memory in a broken computer. When I think about that possibility it makes me determined to try as hard as I can at this life of mine. If I just let it go to waste and expect to use these skills in the afterlife then there’s a possibility that it might just all disappear…and if there is an afterlife then it’ll still be okay. This way it’s win win. I don’t really 100% either of the two theories, but I just know that they’re there.

If you’re curious about what I think about God then I guess I’ll just say it. It’s not like it’s bad or anything. People get so touchy about when people talk about God and most think I’m an Athiest. Few actually believe I’m a “Satan” worshiper. In my eyes…if God is real then no book can describe it. For God to exist it would have to be more mysterious than outer space itself. I like Ben Franklin’s take on God. “He created us and just observes how we act”. I think that makes the most sense to me. Something had to have created us…but that something cannot be easily identified. That’s the way I see it anyway. Sorry if I offend.

April 15, 2015

I think this week is just all about keeping things moving on. I wish my test was already done with, but I guess I should make the best of things. More than anything I wish I already had the money I needed. Maybe I should start playing the lottery. I always hear how people idiotically waste their lottery jackpots away at casinos for some reason. That would be the life…but that’s almost impossible of happening. I was thinking a lot about today and how everything is just in preparation mode. Everything except Game Analyzer…. I feel good that I’m making those. Now I’m making for friends…even though they’re online it still makes me somewhat relevant. Hopefully that number will grow. It’s kind of hard keeping up with all of this stuff. I hope I’ll be able to while I’m working. I’m sure I will…it’s all about time management. Some people do all of these things while having a child…so I don’t think I can make excuses. If I do then I’m just being lazy.

I’ve decided to start thinking about everything there is that I want to do…and I think I’m going to start doing as many of them as I can before everything will get hectic…or at least start on these things before things get hectic. Pretty soon I’m going to start writing a symphony and a concert band piece. They’re both probably going to be war themed. I kind of have them in my head and usually when I start writing big symphonies I usually am flustered by all of the instruments…but now I(for the most part) understand winds and horns. Funny thing…I’ve actually came further on symphonies than concert bands…probably because of the string instruments at my disposal. I have some influences for concert band now though. I know people don’t really care to listen to that kind of music…but I think it’s just something I have to do. Enough with this Chamber music… People these days want huge sounds in their projects like they see in the super hero movies. So…I need to start developing my style in that department…also I need to get my speed and quality up. These won’t be too long though…I’m shooting for at least four minutes. I’m not going to write three movements on these…but There’s going to be quite a few of each so maybe if I can, I’ll piece them together and call them one song…maybe.

…yeah I think that’s about it…on top of that I’ll be reworking an old song to fit the Atomix and will probably write a new song for us as well…allll while studying for this test. Time management is my best friend. Also late nights and early mornings…okay well just this morning was early. I haven’t been doing well on early mornings…but from now on I will.

April 18, 2015

My dogs won’t stop barking today. I don’t know what it is, but it gets really annoying after a few hours. Sometimes I just want to go out there and whack them…but that happens a lot when I’m trying to think. There’s always some kind of noise to disturb me…sometimes those noises are in my own head. Sometimes they are people who mean no harm, so often I get annoyed at myself for being annoyed by the few people who actually strike conversations with me, with good intentions. If it’s bad intentions well then I can’t be mad at myself. The dogs are the worst though, especially my little ones because they have a higher pitch. I think my thoughts are at a higher register, so if my big dogs are barking it won’t mesh too much, but if the little ones bark, you can just forget it. I end up having to find some way to shut them up which usually ends up with me hugging them and loving them.  Then I’d go back to studying or writing music…or making my game.

My game is coming along. I finally found some time to work on it today. Finally finished the fourth level and it’s pretty fun. I’m trying not to make it too difficult, but the problem is I like difficult games because they require you to use your brain more. So in a way I want to make a game that makes you use your brain…but at the same time is not too hard. That’s pretty hard to do…but this one is getting there. In the game you are 3 different Super Heroes. You can toggle between them by pressing different buttons and each one has different abilities. One can fly, one can shrink in size, and the other can climb. There’s also a fourth one who you can switch out with three other heroes. You go through stages and fight bosses in traditional RPG style. It also has a pretty cute story…because I like to tell stories.

So…I had a run in with bad luck pretty much this whole entire week…just bad day after bad day. The collateral was some headphones. Data that got deleted…and some other stuff time. Thank goodness my wallet wasn’t collateral…it almost was, but then I found it and the Demon left my back. I felt like I was in one of those movies where someone holds an unlucky stone. Thank goodness it’s gone though. Today and yesterday ended up actually being good. Hopefully the next few weeks will be pretty good. As for the Analyzer I’ll probably do one that won’t be popular. I’m going to compare Power Stone to Smash Bros…just because I want to. I think the top 10 Genesis one did pretty well. I think if I want views fast I could just make top 10 videos…I think my actual analysis of games don’t really entertain as much as I want them to. I think people just like to hear different ideas on games….but I like to dig into things… even movies. That’s the only thing I liked about English. Believe it or not Shenmue has more things in it to Analyze than anything else. I can even make a music analysis for the game. There’s just that much…and then there’s more!

I’ve been listening to a lot of Fire Emblem music as well as Berlioz and some underground composers for ideas…some of the music I played in San Antonio. I’m thinking the piece I write will have a piano playing with the concert band…because I just like how much emotion the two give off. I can hear an oboe melody in my head. I know I have to wait awhile before I actually sit down and write it. That’s how I dealt with the string quartet…these melodies have to be already in my head before I write them. Also gonna write some other music…basically just re arranging some Brahms Hungarian dances. That’s my next piece for the Atomix. Will there be singing? I don’t know. If I run out of instruments…Well I’ll see what happens.

April 19, 2015

Today was a pretty relaxing day. I basically wrote music all day…I think I just felt like experimenting with some jazzy stuff. So I wrote two Jazz shorts that’ll probably be in my new game. They’re kind of comical…after an instrument solos I put in fake applause. It has a keyboard and soprano sax solo. I don’t know how my keyboard’s soprano sax sounds…so I may or may not record it. I find it relaxing to listen to. I mean it’s pretty simple as far as it goes. Maybe I’ll put a MIDI up or something. The other one I wrote was faster, I think at 200 and considered minor jazz. I don’t know why I experimented with jazz. I think because usually Sundays I don’t really do much so I had some free experimental time…and I used it to my advantage. I still have to write out that Game Analyzer. I guess I will do the Power Stone and probably regret it later, but I feel like I can do that one pretty easily. I’ll probably do something simple with the music. I don’t think much people care about the music part of those any way…but I’ll never put in game music, because that’s just not my style! Worst comes to worst I’ll just sight read something on piano.

Maybe I should combine these two jazz shorts into one and then it’ll actually be like a song almost. I’d have to write one more little thingamajig…whoa, that’s a word? Ha. That’s funny. I think I was supposed to come up with ideas for the symphony stuff I plan on doing. Well I guess I’ll do that when I practice tomorrow or something. The jazz stuff just kind of came to me today. The MIDI soprano sax reminds me of Final Fight 3 on Super Nintendo. So I guess if I was a composer in the 90s I might have already been something by now. Or not… Half of the things that taught me music were technology. It’s funny how that works…but who knows. If I were born ten years from now I’d probably wish I were me now. I guess I just have to accept this reality that I’m in. I’ll keep experimenting…because I think in the end I have to be versatile and mold myself into a million different styles. Then those styles will work into my own style and that’ll be awesome. I hope when people hear it they won’t get mad at me. I remember sometimes when I let people hear my stuff; they smirk as if I’m calling them a name or something. Maybe what I write is an insult to that style of music. Ha. Maybe. If what I wrote is an insult to jazz then so be it. Just know that I had good intentions…maybe I should take out the fake applause…nah.

In fact I should add fake applause to every song I create. It makes me wonder why there even is fake applause in every keyboard and sound program. They also usually have “Gunshot”, and “helicopter”. Why? I remember when I was younger I wrote a piece that used all the sound effects. There was a “Gun Shot” solo. It was horrible. Most of songs back then were pretty bad. For some reason I went for quaintly over quality. Some songs were 7 minutes long and repeated a lot. Oh and then a drum solo, guitar solo, keyboard solo, bass solo, and…vocal solo? BAM 7 minutes of crap. I think back then I wanted to be like Dream Theater or something. Sometimes I would even copy a structure of a song. I remember doing that to Yokan by Dir En Grey…but then I added a Drum Solo. It was all fun and games. It’s kind of cool to see how far I’ve come. Even these Jazz shorts that I did in a few hours are miles ahead of something I wrote back then that would take me months. It’s pretty sweet. Well I better get back to being busy.

April 21, 2015

This month went by so fast. Or at least it’s going by so fast as if something is pushing it further and further. I literally fell asleep at around six yesterday…I believe that’s a new record. I think I woke around eleven something. Sometimes these waves of depression will just come and hit me and I think that they’re getting easier to be triggered. Depending on certain days I guess. Mondays aren’t usually the days I feel the best. Nonetheless I still did things Monday. Still got the studying done and stuff… it hit me during my band’s rehearsal. I don’t even remember if anyone said anything to trigger it. I kind of have an idea of someone saying something that triggered it, but it wasn’t any of them. Maybe it’s one of those dormant things and it just erupted. We still had a good rehearsal. I think we’re making a habit of playing Dreamcast now even though Tyler and Anthony have probably never played Dreamcast. It’s always been my favorite game system. I think it’s where the game systems started to become timeless. I prefer the Dreamcast games over the wiis and PS3. I don’t know, the games just feel like games. I think somewhere games decided to try to be too much like movies. A lot of times when I’m playing a new game it just feels like an interactive movie…and when you explore too much you get killed by the boundaries. Not that I mind that type of game play.

I think a lot about things that don’t pertain to me. Like games….I think I’m using it to keep my mind off of a lot of other things. I can see why some people could just lose themselves in movies, video games, or anime. Most people just want to escape their lives…and in the end it’s a good way to cope with this horrible place we call a world(in some eyes). That’s kind of what I was doing with music these past few years. Of course it was getting me better at writing it and what not. I was still dreaming, like a kid, and figured “Oh someday I’ll be in a group or concert like that” I thought that music school was the way to do it until I learned that many of the people I look up to didn’t go that route. One did, but to be like him would be like winning the lottery…also if Ryuichi Sakamoto began his music career in the States, then he might have found a different popularity. I don’t know. I don’t know how that would work. I think school is good if you want to teach music…but come to think of it whenever I taught it was as if the students didn’t want to be there…in high school it was the same way. I was the only one in the room actually interested in what the percussion teacher had to say. Most of the other people were either sleeping or goofing off. There were some exceptions sometimes. I think…maybe. ACC was better, but there was still some people like that who would eventually just drop. ACC I think is just a place where people found themselves.

I remember talking to one of my instructors and talking about music…those long trips back and forth to San Antonio. Whenever the discussion came up on what I would do with music. I would always say some convoluted answer. Maybe teach, but I really just want to compose music. Be a composer…someone who writes music and makes a living off of it. I don’t see why people go crazy when someone says that. If you think about it, it’s a lot harder to become a pro wrestler…but people don’t look at it that way. If you want to be a wrestler, you have to leave the country right away with little money and wrestle your butt off…and if you get injured well then that’s tough love. “They know the risks” is the excuses they always give instead of giving health benefits. Sad. Even auditioning into a top music school would be as difficult. Maybe. Then again I don’t know. All I know is that I’m on this path now.

Depression will come and go, but I think it’s always been like that. Back then it had no reasoning, but now I notice it more. It kind of reminds me of those headaches I would get. The one’s that would go dormant, but I would still feel them. I think I’s like that now. Today went pretty well. I got my run in and practiced, studied etc. Hopefully tomorrow will be well.

April 24, 2015

It’s already going to be May, and that’ll be the last month of this small chapter. I think then I’ll start another Journal and print this one out. It’s already pretty long. Was there ever a time in your life when you admitted to be wrong?  I realize that not many people no matter how wrong will always be too stubborn to admit something wrong even though they know they’re wrong. They get this look in their eye as if they want to apologize…but then they don’t. That look…there’s also that look people get where they’re trying to convince themselves that they’re right all the time…but that look means their deeply think they’re wrong. I’ve come across this a lot with people and sometimes fall victim to this. I realize that it’s human nature to be stubborn. It’ll probably go on as long as time continues.

I’ve been having a lot of stories in my head and they don’t seem to stop. Maybe I’ll start writing a book again. I started writing one earlier, but it was poorly planned. I think in order to write a book of some sort I need to plan it like I do with my games. I’m in a game making creating mood I suppose. I feel like writing some music too. Maybe I’ll do some of that tomorrow. Excuses are unacceptable….I also need to study a bit more. Sometimes studying the math seems easy and barely feels like I’m doing anything. I’m starting to find that kind of study boring….so it’s getting harder and harder to focus in that department. In my mind I want to get better as comfortable as I am on drums on piano. I know in some people’s mind they see my as either just a drummer or just a piano player. Truth is I think my drumming skills are still above my keyboard skills. Not that it’s a problem. I just want to get as comfortable as I can…maybe some technique exercises will help rather than just learning piano pieces. With drums I believe the majority of what I learned were exercises.

That’s the next step any who. I’m going to start picking up the kit again too and marimba. I’m going to start writing some crazy marimba crap and learn some of it too. That’ll help…even if it’s just a little bit a day. I just have to get better and write better. I really gotta put my drafts together too on new material. I was getting ideas yesterday, but studying was holding me back from executing them. Yesterday at 9:00 pm I went to the piano rooms at ACC and started playing the rag. It brought back some old memories spending hours in there. Sometimes five hours a day. I loved doing that. It was all about getting better and perfecting my skills. I think it’s similar now, I just have more obstacles to cross while doing it…but yeah this chapter is getting closer to its end. Hopefully it’s a happy ending.

April 25, 2015

I don’t understand why people have to put certain people in categories rather than accepting them for who they are. If they’re black then we label them and then create these stereotypes that associate with them. We decide whether or not we hate them and what they can or cannot do based on these categories. Black people can’t write country music etc. Why do they do this? You would think that in this day and age things would be different but I think now it’s even worse. People put people in categories perhaps just to feel superior or make excuses on why they can’t do something. I don’t say “I’m black therefore cannot write Jazz”. No. That kind of thing holds people back. I’ve experimented with Jazz and other styles that someone of my “category” wouldn’t naturally do. The key is to practice. To put someone in a category and making that an excuse not to appreciate something(or an aspect of something) just holds you back and closes your mind.

When I don’t declare myself Democrat or Republican sometimes people question my intelligence. As if conforming to one group of ideas and abiding by them makes someone smart. If I prefer the ideas of one candidate over another I’m not going to call myself a Republican, Democrat, or Libertarian. It’s not just politics and race though. It’s these sub categories that are starting to bug me. With musicians you see this a lot. Sometimes people will say that you lack something you may not actually lack usually just to make themselves feel better. It was the same thing with racism. I don’t get it. People should just accept people for how they are. Not invent criticisms and try to place them into categories. That’s just lazy.

I feel that again. People want to call me something I’m not. Put me into a category that I don’t belong in. I don’t belong inside any category. As a matter of fact nobody does. Once I have a weakness, I discover it, Practice and perfect the hell out of it. That’s how I am with everything. Whether that be singing, drumming whatever. Don’t assume someone is going to stay the same level forever…especially if it’s me. I’m going to grow and perfect myself until the day I grow cold and die. Sorry if that doesn’t please anyone. I get tired of that way of thinking. When you close your mind to all of those possibilities…ugh.

I’m not posting this entry so I’m going to talk some smack I suppose.

Without being subtle, I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on with today. The Atomix came and Tyler and Anthony began to have this idea about me that they inadvertedly told me to my face. Putting me into a category that my music doesn’t apply feelings and emotions…all because I write out my songs.

April 26, 2015

I thought yesterday was a little too personal, so I didn’t post. It started off broad though and had some interesting things…but I digress. Today is pretty much all that matters. I might post some of it, but not all of it. Oh well who cares about details. I think I get my point across. Some of yesterday’s thoughts are still present in me today and all I really want to do is get everything over with so I can work on more things. That way life won’t be so submissive. Like what the fudge is wrong with me in the first place? You know I had this idea that if I ever try to get famous I’ll wear a mask because I’m absolutely convinced that I just have an unlikable face. It may have something to do with the whole category thing. Maybe that’s why people do it in the first place. If I wear a mask it’ll raise the percentages of people likening me by 1 to 10%. I think I’m certain now. My face is the reason people categorize, demonize, and do all of that great stuff to.  Come to think of it most girls who’ve ever liked me were those who kept their distances or had hard times making eye contact. Most of them may have liked the mop on my head. Then again I don’t know. I don’t understand girls that much or at all. They’re too unpredictable. One thing that I do notice is that they’re more likely to never admit that they’re wrong. That’s about all I have to them…but I could be wrong.

Today and yesterday I just didn’t want to exist. I keep wrapping my head around things to keep my mind off certain things. I keep running things in my mind with how things went and how they go. Analyzing them and coming to the same conclusion. Every word, every action, every thought, every reaction, and it burns me out. Sometimes it concludes to me having some curse that will let people know that I’m some kind of robotic act with no emotion…even though all of what I do gives me purpose in life and keeps me alive and well. If I were to just do nothing then I wouldn’t be alive. It’s these unfinished projects that I pour my heart and soul into. Lyric wise, music wise, hidden message wise…all of that. I pour my blood sweat and tears into what I do…stay up late nights wake up early mornings all to keep myself alive. That’s what my music, writings, games, and ideas are all about. The day they end is the day I end. There will never be a break. From chord progressions to melodies, instrumentation, Lyrics, harmonies, characters, laughter those are all part of me. Not some kind of cardboard cutout that I put no soul into. I don’t put things there just for the sake of it being there. Sorry that’s not the case. I put thought into it. Just look at my music. It’s all painstakingly written out. I write, I delete, I write, I delete, etc. until it sounds perfect. So don’t pretend you know what I go through and make assumptions just to put into some fucking category. I work way too hard for that shit.

In actuality, whenever someone creates something they have no choice but to put themselves in it. It’s impossible to know what they go through. Why pretend?

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