May 9, 2015
It’s no contest that this time of my life is pretty much the worst time in my life. It’s pretty comparable to that first year of high school. Just a strain of bad luck…one right after another. I’ve decided not to post these on Facebook. I didn’t want to be known as the person who always posts their business all over the web. I’ll probably keep them at that Word Press that no one goes on. I always have certain things on my mind that are offensive and I’m really tired of holding myself back on those thoughts. I know I haven’t written for awhile, but other than this week everything has been going okay. This week was the worst though. I’ll probably talk about it a little later. I guess I’m not in the right mood to talk about it. Today I’m more focused on people hating me for some reason. Random thoughts like that really keep my head away from the pain. That and Dreamcast.
May 11, 2015
I’ve realized that the Atomix is a stuid name for the band and I’ve decided to persuade the members of this band that the band should be called Phoenix Splash again. Spell it different and you get Pheonix Splash…I mean it’s just a better name no matter how much you look at it. It’s easier to chant and all of that jazz. Plus a library of music that Chris and I have worked so hard on and music videos that we’ve worked hard on won’t be for nothing. They’ll be a part of this band too. I really stopped giving a shit about this ego thing Tyler and Anthony have and I really don’t care about their feelings. This is what is best for the band. I wouldn’t have to start over in that regard. This is what I should have done instead of “ending” Phoenix Splash. This epiphany just hit me now. All that hard work I put into those songs will have some meaning to them and we can finish the Phoenix Splash Radio Album…basically I’m just going to clean up/ remove Bombing Dan.
This is what I want to do. In all honesty I think we’re letting too much things happen that shouldn’t and creating big egos within our ranks. My band like John, Gabe, and basically everyone else in my life don’t like to realize that I work hard on my music and don’t really care to throw away things that I’ve worked hard on. With all Egos aside, the best thing for this band to do is to be Phoenix Splash. I’m tired of things dying and having to start all over. I’ve done that way too many times. It’s time to build on this and announce the release of “Phoenix Splash Radio”. There is really no better way to do this than this. Then when we play live it won’t be some kind of Feasco. “Where’s the guitar” we’ll have him and then we’ll all play our music. Hopefully with Egos aside. My god…I really hope they stop with that shit. It’s like they’re trying to anger me or tell me that I’m inferior. I never put down Tyler for “not being able” to write music down with notes….or not practicing. When I say they I mean Anthony and Tyler. If you REALLY want to rub it in my face that you’re better than me then write your music down and as for Anthony, you better shut up before I start stating how much of a smoother more fluid Drummer I am compared to you…because everyone already knows it.
All of this stuff is coming to mind because I know they’re going to reject my idea…but I have to force this on them. It’s what’s best for the band. Egos need to disappear.
May 12, 2015
I had a hard time sleeping yesterday. I had a hard time trying to get my mind off of suicidal thoughts. Oh right. I can actually talk about that stuff again since I don’t post these on Facebook anymore. Life sucks you know. My music is cursed because of me as a person…hell I am cursed. If I were to kill myself soon it would be in the garage. Just turn on the Trans am and go to sleep. A peaceful death…maybe I’ll have some song in the keyboard playing. Looping over and over and over. If I were to do that it would be hard to get me out of the car because there’s so much junk in there. So if I were to do it…it would mean absolute death. I don’t see Mom or Dad making much of an attempt to save me. Chris would probably come home pretty late. I would be dead and everything would end there. Sometimes I think about doing it…especially lately since well I lost another good friend.
Hank died and it pretty much has the same impact that a human death would have on me. I always talk to Hank…especially about the things I don’t talk with other people about. Like suicide and my dreams…stuff people don’t want to hear from me. Hank kind of had no choice and every time I spoke it was as if he was listening. After the Uh fiasco I was left home alone some days. I would go outside and cry to Hank. Lately I was getting closer to him…and then he left. He had no ego towards me…he never favored anyone over me and made statements. He was a true friend. Where does the time go? I wish it was last year. Why can’t that year just go on repeat? At ACC people saw me for what I was…hard working…never giving up…now it’s back to the way it was. No one has any faith in me and just smirks at everything I do…and now that Hank is gone…there is really no one I can talk to. Sometimes I think…maybe this is the end. What’s the point of living anyway?
Right off the back I know that if the band gets famous I’ll be the least popular. It’ll just be set up like that by everyone…or that’s just how it will all work. All my hard work will be almost meaningless because people don’t care about effort in the real music world. Most people are idiots and like simple things…not even that, they like things that they’ve already heard. Play Firework in a different key and stuff like that. All my life I’ve tried to be original in everything that I do without realizing that I live in a world where people don’t like originality. They like stuff that’s similar. It makes me hate the world. It makes me want to destroy it somehow…but if it’s my world and I’m me…then maybe destroying myself will be equivalent. That’s the way I’ve been viewing life recently. The only real thing that stops me from killing myself is Raeleen…but then I think “She’ll move on”. I remember asking her if she would and she said that she would…maybe I should ask her again. Another thing that stops me is unfinished projects. I think I’ve mentioned that before. As long as they exist, I feel the need to live…but after no one played Fright To Win…what’s the point? They might as well all just stay in my head.
Yeah…I wish time would just go back. I’d go back to middle school, never date Justine, stand up for myself and let people know that they couldn’t run over me. Start making music earlier. Dream all the while. The reality of this sucks. Sometimes I just want it all to change where I get handpicked to just write music for a living. Someone to just save me…like I hear about all of the time…maybe if I were white…to bad I’m not white and Christian.
May 20, 2015
I think I’ve just been lost in thought these past few days. I’m just trying to be patient with everything. Trying to learn what it is about me that strikes hatred in people. It’s not that fun hatred that most people have towards Justin Beiber. It’s that kind of hatred that makes people ignore you. There’s a character in my old game Fright to Win whom I tried to make trigger that hate…and there it was. I think the player will ultimately hate Kim. Ha. I put in the game that “everyone hates Kim” and the humane response is to feel sorry for Kim and try to bring her spirits up…but the majority of people will not like Kim. The only people that will are those who have a connection with suicide. Maybe I’m just like Kim. There will be a few that like me mainly because they’re close to me…but I think Kim and I aren’t so different.
In the game the main characters are dead and each have a unique way of dying. Since I try to make the game kid friendly, I don’t go into much detail on how Kim died. All I make her say is “I don’t want to remember the bottle”…in the end Kim kills herself drinking a bottle of chlorax. Cent dies in a car accident and Old Man Oleson dies with an unfinished project. All of these deaths are how I fear of dying…but suicide has always been a double edge sword. In that scenario it would be my choice…and as the player can see…the reason she wants to die is because of the way you feel towards her. Even though she’s defenseless you want to hate her and that’s why when she was alive, no one stood up for her. That’s Fright To Win anyway…a game I’m going to release soon after having test played it myself. I’m taking Chris and John’s name out of the credits of “Test Players” because they still haven’t and probably will never play it. All for the same reason poor little Kim never got anything that she deserved. It’s kind of poetic really.
A whole lot of me is in everything I make…even though it may seem like a story there is always a personal touch. Buster Punch is no different either. My music is no different either. In the end I am me and whether or not people like me or hate me is their problem I guess. I’ve tried to do things to make people like me, but in the end I just end up like Kim. People out number me and no one stands up for me. It’s always me versus the world. Even Raeleen could attest for that with the whole Hayden thing. It’s always me versus the world…but yeah, I was just thinking about that because I beat Fright to Win…literally took me a few minutes. In the story I saw myself within every single one of those characters. The only response John gave of the game was “I hate Kim”…so I’m guessing if he were to see her in person and she was being picked on then he probably wouldn’t care…or he would join in.
I remember there were people like Kim while I was in elementary school…hell even Middle School there was people like Kim. The whole world was against them and it had even seemed that the teachers were against them to. We were all a group. Grayson, Me, J.D…and some other guys. The only difference between me and them was the fact that I never got into fights. People would pick fights with Grayson and all of them and what happened? They got put into assets for merely defending themselves…not the kids who started the fights…just the kids who defended themselves. How pathetic. If you’re a teacher and you see this happen and don’t make it right, then you are a horrible person and a waste of filth. You deserve to shower in acid…but I suppose none of that can be changed. Life just sucks for people like us.
The hatred just carries on with us through life.