May 24, 2015
There’s been so much on my mind lately. The album, the band, the girlfriend, the hatred, the religion…but all of it seems to be building off of each other. For the first time in a long time I’m surrounded by people who don’t want to hate me. Sure there might be some resistance or jealousy…but it’s very minor and when it all comes down to it…we all have each other’s back and won’t let our inner hatred get the best of us. Even if it eventually does, we’ll talk it out and it’ll be fine. Now that Phoenix Splash has risen from the ashes…anything is possible. I need to lose weight though. That’s one thing I need to focus on this week. Oh and passing the PTCB exam. Hopefully that won’t get in the way of things.
I don’t want to be like those people who do nothing but consume. They drink alcohol and watch t.v all the time. Many of them have their degrees…it depresses me that that’s what life is to most people…and most people will want you to live your life like that. The dreams need to stop and you just need to do something routinely and hopefully not get fired…but my dreams never went away and I never sipped alcohol and I never will. It’s not a part of my life. Giving up and joining that crowd is something I’ll never do because in the end the same people will hate me. So what’s the point? I seem to have this effect on people that makes them hate me. I’m not a jerk or anything and they know that. I think it’s because of what I am and who I represent. The things they want to do, but instead of doing it, they’d rather ridicule me for it. Hayden…it’s funny. I’ve heard that he still hates the hell out of me. I’ll never understand that guy, but I’m done hating and complaining about him. It’s been to long for me to really care. The only thing I’ll question is why anyone would be friends with someone like that all the while seclude and ridicule me. I guess being the nice guy is pretty overrated. In the end you just get hated more…but that’s not his fault. Though Chris isn’t as ambiguous as Hayden he still gets treated the same way. People make excuses for him and will go out of their way to like him. I think Hayden has that same effect on people.
Those people will never understand what it is to go through pain and suicidal thoughts and the very mention of it will just trigger an emotion that someone is a “Fag” well I would talk more, but I gotta go put Raeleen to Sleep. Maybe I should just ignore her…after all she still hangs out with someone who wants us to break up…but…I’m the nice guy remember? Why change? That would be selfish. Let the hate continue.
May 25, 2015
Man it seems like it has been awhile since I wrote in here, but it was actually just yesterday. It’s been storming all day…but it has been a good day. It feels good to finally be with a group of friends. It seems that all of my life my best friends always grew more distant than ever…but this time it’s different. No one hates each other or has anything against one another. Phoenix Splash is what it was supposed to be now. The next step is to keep with it and make it grow. There’s really nothing stopping us from doing that. I don’t know why…but I’m thinking about hanging up Game Analyzer…well that or start talking about stuff other than games. I had the Modern Family idea and the Fire Pro Wrestling D….the truth is that isn’t doing as well as I would hope. I mean it’s been awhile now…so I gather I keep doing them and hope for the best. I mean that’s all I really have to do…so just like that I’m doing them again.
We have this new girl in to sing one of the songs I wrote. I really don’t know what lead me to write a song like Carless Raven. I wanted a female voice I suppose….it’s something I don’t know how happened but it’s happening nonetheless. I’m okay with it and I think everyone else is too. She seemed to like our stuff. At least that’s what I think. It’s so funny to look at someone and try to read their minds. People often hide what they think of you…but I like to believe that this is different…even though there is probably resentment…but oh well you can’t really get away from that sort of thing. I might have to change some voice things on Careless Raven. I mean it is my first time writing for a vocalist other than myself. I can tell some of the notes are comfortable to her while others aren’t. The ones that aren’t need to change.
I studied this morning…I was supposed to study more today, but rehearsal lasted long and by then my brain was pudding. So I only looked over the first 100 drugs rather than all of them. This weather isn’t helping either. Rainy weather often makes me tired…there’s no telling on when the power will suddenly shut off. There was a lot of warnings and everything. So this storm is a big deal. Today is memorial day…to most people that means veterans and troops…but to me it’s the day the Grandma passed. I guess that’s what it will always be to me. The rain reminds me of that song I wrote for her funeral…ha…it was the only song I wrote that my mother actually cared about. I guess it’s all in the context. My mind would wander over that stuff with Hayden…and how people make excuses for him…including Raeleen. It’s no use to dwindle though, I mean that’s just how it’s going to be. Like I said before I just have one of those faces and it doesn’t matter if you’re my girlfriend or big brother. They’ll all treat me the same.
Today was good though. I just felt really good…but there’s always these underlining thoughts. I often pretend that everything is perfect and that everything will be perfect….but I see the cracks for what they are. There are cracks in Raeleen and mine’s friendship and there are cracks in the band. Whether he be drunk senile or just an idiot, for some reason there’s this bind that Raeleen has with Hayden that I wish wasn’t there, but it is. It’s bad. The answer is not to yell at her or at Hayden. I really don’t know what the answer is…but lately I’ve been feeling that same isolation from her that I would feel back then. As if I’m a toy or something. Even though we’ve evolved…kinda funny how easily it can turn back to that. I wish someone would give me that answer…it’s not as bad as Anthony’s problem. I can see that he kind of has an attraction towards Caitlin(the girl singer). After learning what happened to him though about how his ex cheated on him…I don’t think he really trusts women. I don’t think I would either…if something like that happened to me. I don’t know the answer for him either. I guess it’s true that I just don’t know shit.
The weather is getting worse huh?