May 28, 2015
So…I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now. I’m realizing that the Game Analyzer project is working. It’s slow, but it’s working really well. We are getting at least two subscribers per video that we upload. So over time, all of it will add up. I don’t even have to share a video for it to get views anymore. That would be the only time they would get views and then it would build from there. I tested it and there were about 15 people who just watched it without me really doing anything to it. That’s pretty damn cool if you ask me. I’ve always wanted an audience. This is what Phoenix Splash needs….but original music is just so hard to gather people these days. Like I said before, video games are in the same state that literature was back in the early days. Everyone is analyzing it now especially since there aren’t doing it in school. Because schools don’t analyze them, it creates an interest where people actually use their brains. I know video games aren’t my number one thing to talk about…but digging into anything is pretty fun. These totally destroy the Rock Shows.
Yeah…I basically studied the whole day. This week has kind of been brutal on my mind in that regard. Ha started writing a new piano piece too…as if I wasn’t writing enough pieces. I was supposed to write a marimba solo right? I don’t know. Maybe we’ll see. So next Thursday will probably be the end of this chapter. That’s when my test will be and hopefully all of this Pharmacy studying will be over….but if I have to take it again, then the chapter will continue…I mean there’s no real point in starting the next chapter with the same end goal. Then it would end up being a short chapter…but yeah, I’m glad I started doing the Game Analyzer…I’ll keep doing it…even with my job. The schedule might change though, but we’ll see. Then hopefully new eyes will see the band. I still have to finish the old album “Phoenix Splash Radio”. Gotta fix a few things like the voices being too loud on some of my songs which won’t take long. Hopefully Chris will finish the album cover. Hopefully he can destroy that “me first” mentality.
Ever since Raeleen told me about that drunk guy, I’ve been noticing how many people love to see me fail…or in nicer terms…like to feel superior over me. It’s not just my music that’s cursed. I think it’s everything about me that’s cursed. From running…to the characters I pick in video games. Yeah, it’s pretty bad…but maybe I’m competitive too. It’s kind of a good feeling when you win especially when everyone wants you to fail. In San Antonio, when I got first place, everyone was pissed and they didn’t even know me. All I did was be nice and the look on their faces was priceless. You know it’s even there with my band(but not to a dangerous degree). Whenever Kaitlin said something nice about me, Tyler and Chris both looked distraught…and she didn’t even say that many nice things about my stuff. That’s something I have to fix though…but that’ll come later…hopefully….Anthony is pretty competitive with me in grades and video games. In Smash Bros we usually end up killing each other and Tyler and Chris would win. In Virtual Tennis he kicks my ass….urggg! In Spawn though…we’re on a team. Oh man…as a team we’re pretty damn good. I guess the best competitors make the best teams…but we really do have to put that stuff aside.
That’s the thing though. I think with Chris, he usually thinks pretty self centered…maybe it’s a little bit like that with Tyler…but they’re not overboard to the point where I can’t work with them. For some reason I wish they believed in the team effort and that if one of our songs gets praised(no matter who’s it is) we should all feel happy…because we all have a part in making it happen. I’m not expecting my songs to be the “hits” you know? I don’t write in that style and I don’t really have to because that’s mainly the style Tyler and Chris write. I write what I think would be interesting in a musical and poetic standpoint. The melody can be catchy and there can be a chorus here or there, but I just love mind games and I stick them in my music. Plus live…they’re fucking bad ass. I write the music that I would enjoy listening to…and in all honesty I’m extremely picky…I kinda hate that about myself. Simple? Nah. If I wanted to write a simple song then I’d just eat ice cream all day.
May 29-30, 2015
Man it’s already so late. I kind of wish it wasn’t so late and I didn’t have a million things to do…maybe I just want that damn test to be over so I can move on with my life. I have to do a quick Game Analyzer. A top 10….but now it’s already the 30th. The final day of May. Such a stupid month. Or is there 31 days in may? I really don’t keep up anymore. No one cares, but I’ve kind of been having a problem with reality right now. I had some really weird dreams…one of which I didn’t remember until now. It had Bill Nye the science guy and he told me to be a nurse. Which makes sense because I thought to myself if the Pharmacy Tech stuff doesn’t work out then there’s always that to turn to…but I think it will turn out fine. I don’t see my fellow comrades anymore at the school. That probably means their working as techs somewhere. After all it’s not permanent.
The band rehearsal has been canceled today which puts a sour taste in my mouth. Makes me angry. Yesterday I was a little angry at the world and how it’s trying to smash me…putting these suicidal thoughts into my head as if they were normal for anyone. I guess it gives me time to work on the album at hand. Phoenix Splash Radio. Even out God on a Rainy Day…and man these days have been rainy. It’s funny how that’s the one song I need to work on. It almost makes me want to die and that be my last hoorah…but when death comes…that’ll be the time my music gets listened to the most. The people who hate me won’t have a reason to hate me because I’d be dead and out of the picture. Their prayers answered by an angry God or Satan…and in a fucked up world there’s probably a fucked up reality…and I’m the one burning while they celebrate…but that’s all speculation. Debating God is a waste of time. Some people just love to wallow in their ignorance…on both sides of the argument.
Dr. Steve sent me a text telling me about his lessons. Like everyone else these days, asking for money. I wouldn’t mind a lesson with Steve, but after this week, I have no idea what’s going to happen to me. If I fail this test, I have no idea how much pain I’ll be in. If I pass the test…I have no idea how much pain I’ll be in. Either way there will be sadness that follows because the test represents my life changing. The music programs are going away and it’s up to me to decide my fate on that. Now everyone is telling me different things and it really can drive me a little bit insane. I had a dream about Hayden, but I forgot what happened in it. Whatever it was probably wasn’t significant. Yeah, I had multiple dreams and fragments. One contained the scoots and another contained Hank. His jaw wasn’t fucked up. I guess deep down I do remember how he looked without the cruelty of man taking its effect on him.
June 3, 2015
I suppose this is my last entry for this chapter. It was quite a long chapter and it seems like things are only barely beginning rather than ending. I have friends now. I have life. I have love…but I do not have independence. I don’t know if I will ever find it….I don’t know if I’ll live…if I do die whether by some accident or by my own hands then I just want you to know that you are special to me. Mr. Nobody…I’ve told you all of my darkest secrets over the years….all of them causing various effects on me. Most of the time I find myself pushing the ones closest to me further and further away…as if I subconsciously preparing for suicide. Ha “Mr. Nobody”. I’ve felt like I’ve called you that before. I have many names for you, and I keep naming you different things because you can’t talk back to me and tell me otherwise. You’re always there when I play music…and you’re always there when I’m alone. Mr. Nobody…or is it Mrs. Nobody. As far as I know you don’t have a sex…but if you did it would probably be female because males don’t typically like to hear my problems…they usually just try to change the subject as fast as they can.
I should have high hopes…but for some reason I find myself not expecting the best and preparing for the worse. That goes with this test…part of me is preparing to fail. Maybe that’s because I’ve been failing things recently. U of H…well just that…I’ve also found out that most people I know hate me…and that ultimately I was right all along in the junior high years. I wasn’t just crazy…what a horrible world to live in. If I were to die though all that hate would go away…much like it did for Michael Jackson…before he died he was a joke and a pedophile…now he’s a legend. The power of death. The only problem with death is the fact that you can’t go back on it. No one knows where you go…and for all anyone knows you just disappear into nothing. It makes me question if we truly are something special or if we’re just another germ in the dirt.
Many times I hate the world…but you can hate a home and still want it to be a better place to live. You can hate the body you’re in too. I hope I pass this test…but part of me is expecting to fail it and just repeat the process. It must be all of the negative emotions I feel within myself and from others. Just keep smiling right? What if my smile hurts other people? It drives them mad to the point where they have to yell and make a scene. They keep doing it until my smile fades away and I’m sad again. That’s the spiral of this life…Well see you space cowboy.