June 6, 2015
The tides are turning aren’t they? Half of the time I wonder why I try to live this life….and that deep down everyone would be a lot happier if I’m gone. They’d get to use pity points and then move on. One less competitor they have to deal with. I used to think that everyone was against me…but now I realize the whole world is always trying to work against me. Everyone thinks so independently while I’m over here trying to keep it all together. The way they want it is for me to shut up and only play when they need me to. No one wants to see me as a leader, but if I don’t lead then they get lazy and freeze. So in the end I pretend I’m not the leader and well I guess I’m tired of not getting the thanks I deserve…from people I work with…no I didn’t get a job yet…I actually failed the Pharmacy test…that’s why I mentioned that the world was against me. I can’t even fucking pass a stupid test.
My looks are dying…or rather they are the same since senior year which wasn’t so good looking. Why do looks play such a big part in everything? It’s something I’ve realized since the beginning of my life…but now it’s really getting on my nerves. I guess I’m just agitated with life in general. I’m getting sick and tired of things not working out…because people have the “me first mentality”…GET THE FUCK OVER IT. You’re in a group. It’s “we” now not “you”. Chris is such an idiot sometimes. His ego on par with Ethan’s. Guess that’s what happens when you hang out with whores who constantly raise your confidence just so you’ll give them attention. I’m thinking about just renaming the channel anyway. “We” are Phoenix Splash. So the name of the channel should be “Phoenix Splash”. That was one of the things we were supposed to do when we started the damn channel…but he said that changing the name was “impossible”. If I would’ve known he was hiding that then I would’ve posted all Phoenix Splash’s stuff on my or a different channel. You can change the name of the channel. It’s very easy to do. Now that I’m more involved with our channel…well I guess it’s “his” now…I found the option that he was lying to me about.
“Me first mentality” gets really old. He’s 25 years old. You’d think he’d get a fucking clue. AND now that I’ve found the option and said “we should rename the channel to Phoenix Splash” you know like we originally planned. He said “no”. So now after ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the shit I put into it he won’t want to rename it because well he’s an idiot. DaNile is a name that makes no sense. Everyone thinks it’s stupid and well it is. The name needed to change a long time ago. Nothing will be affected. In fact it will help people remember our fucking channel’s name. But it’s still “his” channel. That really really pisses me off. I feel like I’ve been double crossed. I even fucking named the facebook that because according to him it was impossible to change….but it’s not and never was! He lied to me and used me and now it’s back to “his” channel. Fuck him.
June 7, 2015
I guess I kind of blew up yesterday…that’s what happens when you get mad…you say things you don’t mean…but these things are always at the back of your mind. For instance if you were my friend and you noticed something you didn’t like about me then you’d probably yell it when you’re frustrated. You don’t even have to be frustrated at me….but who knows. I have a lot to do tomorrow so I figured I’d start now…I have to finalize the album tomorrow and probable release it on Thursday…which reminds me…I have to make an announcement on the channel and tell people what the hell I’m doing…because like wrestling has taught me…we need a voice…and it looks like that voice is me. Gonna do a quick game analyzer and release the album at the same time. Hopefully it all goes well. Hopefully it goes beyond my expectations…I guess the chapter change is going to be referring to the CD release huh?
Now that Phoenix Splash has it’s first CD…and new members…everything will go well. So since this is phoenix Splash Maybe I should write the announcement in my journal. Ha. If I’d shown all the Game Analyzers on my journal you’d be bored to death. Unless you like video games. Well nonetheless here it goes. Come to think of it…maybe I should release the album next Thursday. Nah…I’m tired of holding it off.
Well hello there fellow subscribers and hopefully future ones…We have some announcements to make!
First announcement: As of today, our channel name “DaNilechannel” will be changed to Phoenix Splash TV…because that’s the name our band goes by and it might make us easier to find in your subscription box.
2nd announcement: Speaking of the band, our album titled “Phoenix Splash Radio” is now finished and will be released…right about…now. You can listen to the full album on a Youtube playlist in the link below and you can listen to it on soundcloud as well. You can also download it for free! Are you a music pirate? Well no need for your expert hacking…we’ve got it covered. Just make sure to share us with your fellow chums.
3rd announcement: Phoenix Splash officially has two new members….a guitar Player and a drummer. I’m switching to keyboards. We will be working on a brand new album which will contain many different kinds of sounds such as “cowbell sounds”, “China sounds”, “Jazzy sounds”, “Heavy breathing sounds”, and this sound “uhh”. We’re working really really hard on it and it may take some time.
4th announcement: Due to the time it may take we’ll keep entertaining you with shows like “Game Analyzer”, and will continue to make some music videos for some songs off and on the “Phoenix Splash Radio” album. We will also start a “making of” for the new album coming up which will start up pretty soon. So you can see the journey that it takes.
Well I hope you enjoy what we have worked so hard on over the years….and now the gears are in go! Make sure to leave comments! Subscribe, share and do whatever you need to…to keep the phoenix rising from the ashes. Have a pleasant day!
Whew I’m so glad I came up with this voice. It’s solving so many problems. Well now I gotta write a Game Analyzer. Thank you for hearing my prayers.
June 24, 2014
So it’s been awhile huh? The last time I posted was before the album was released and quite a bit of stuff has happened. It’s funny…it doesn’t seem like the last chapter has really ended…maybe this is just a short end piece to that chapter. Phoenix Splash Radio did as well as it could have done…most of my friends and family mainly saw it as my album so many of them probably didn’t listen to it…but the subscribers did I’m guessing. The other people were probably people who know little about me and are just curious…but nonetheless everything went well. Another crazy thing that happened was the fact that Shenmue 3 got announced…after fifteen years. I put a heartfelt video on Youtube.
It explains things better than I can in words. A game that I’ve always been writing about ever since the journals started has finally got its release. Of course who ever has stumbled upon this didn’t read my other hand written journals…let’s see what else happened that was big? You know I think that was about it.
Other than the Game Analyzer I’ve been keeping myself busy with my music and my game…ongoing projects of mine that help keep my mind off of suicide. Lately my mind has been on something that happened to me a long time ago…something I don’t really write about that much because it traumatized me as a kid. You know, I think it was the first thing I’ve ever wrote in a journal because it was so hard to keep that information in my head. Actually it’s probably what made me start a journal. Whenever I think about it now, the memory is a blur, almost like a dream…sometimes I pretend it didn’t happen just to make everything easier to cope with, but whenever I first told Justine about it, that’s when that realization took its place. Now that I think about it, telling her damaged everything. As soon as I let it out, it got worse. I started cutting myself because that was “the way” to get over things…but that made everything even worse. So maybe if I let it out again…things might go down that road…but part of me feels like I need to confront it…the only problem is there’s really no way to do it. I look back at that kid I was and how much I changed. One year I was talking to everyone and making a lot of friends…the next year I was silent and kept everyone away from me. I’m even having trouble remembering which grade that was…maybe second…or third grade.
Whenever I was self-analyzing myself I left that whole bad dream out of it as if I was convinced that it didn’t happen. It’s funny because in junior high, I started seeing that repressed memory in snippets. Now I saw a broom…but I don’t know if my mind is making that up, or if a broom was really there. I’m not going to totally disclose what happened to me, but apparently it involved a broom. No one reads these anyway so I feel I’m free to talk about anything. Hopefully. Word Press is just like sound cloud. No one gives a shit.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping…last night I stayed up until 9:30 I look at the clock now and it’s already 2:00 am. Sometimes when I don’t update a journal I find my mind venturing out on its own. That’s probably why the bad dream came back and now it’s keeping me from sleeping. I don’t like to talk about it to Raeleen. I think I told her, but I don’t remember. She probably forgot. I can’t exactly talk to Justine about it, I remember trying to talk about it to Chris, but he quickly changed the subject. Come to think of it that’s how it usually is whenever I’m talking about any of my problems no matter how tragic they are. If it’s a break up a normal person would understand and help you out, but when it’s a bad dream that not many people have had then I guess it’s almost impossible to comfort it. I think Justine tried and failed. The end result either made me angry or depressed. Come to think of it, she probably thinks I was lying…maybe that’s for the best. I wish it were a lie. I think all my depression and low confidence stems from that one bad dream. Broom. I don’t get it. You would think that with the internet that you could trace all bad dreams…but there are just too many dreams getting in the way.
I’m sorry I’m being so vague, but I’ll leave the contents to the bad dream to your imagination…and I’ll leave the details I reminisce to myself. I thought that if I mentioned it just a little bit I might be able to get some sleep tonight.
Phoenix Splash is going pretty good though I still feel a little bit of resentment that maybe the others have towards me. Then again it could all be in my head. For some reason Anthony and Tyler are still in the business of classifying everything. Chris writes the “fun” songs. Tyler writes the “hits” and Josh writes the “Dream Theater” songs. I kind of wrote my newest song in spite of that. My other songs were pretty lyric driven, but this one is extremely lyric driven…I wasn’t mad or anything, I just want them to open their minds to things. Often times my lyrics have religious themes. Why…because I think a lot about religion. I think people classify creator as “God” and the one responsible for all evil “Satan”. In fact the original meaning of the word “Satan” is opposer. Satan isn’t the name of the “Devil”. Notice it’s “the” devil and not “a” devil. “The” refers to a specific object. So when you say “Satan” that’s like calling my dad “mailman”. Its sad Christians don’t realize something so simple. Or maybe it isn’t sad. I think if I believed in God and the Devil I would have someone to blame for all my bad dreams. I would probably be worse off…or dead…but I have no idea if God exists. All I know is that the bible is stupid and it’s just a false sense of comfort to state that reality isn’t all fucked up…but even in the bible it’s all fucked up…but if you ignore all the fucked up parts then you have a nice book. I can ignore the bad dream, but it still happened. I can ignore the mess in my room, but I guarantee you it won’t clean itself.
I’d never put that in a song or anything. I use God, Satan, Angels, etc. as characters…because they are characters. I’m a character, you’re a character. We’re all part of a show called reality. Everyone wants answers and I do to. I guarantee you I think more about “the lord” than most of your christian rock stars who just use Gods name to make money…like the AVGN used Nintendo to get popular. It’s the same thing.
Reality is fucked up. I’m not the only one who gets bad dreams, and I’m not the only one who suddenly gets screwed over by the world. There’s just no one to blame. I guess that’s why people go to God…to find someone to blame. That’s the easy way out. I’m going to find another way. Even if it fucks me up.
I wish everything was set already. Instead, I’m still a ghost.
June 26, 2015
It’s funny, the more you go on through life, the more you realize how ugly this world is. Most people are hypocrites constantly putting themselves over the next person. A good majority of pedophiles exist behind closed doors. Everyone has a double life, whether that be a separate account on Youtube used to dislike videos and leave bad comments, or going on Torr and showing your true colors to yourself. The next day they’ll wake up, go to church and try their damnest to convince themselves that they’re good people. Good people. They exist, but I think they’re outnumbered by the monsters of the world. More people will gladly look up child porn than listen to my music…and maybe it’ll always be like that. This world is screwed up.
Idiots will ramble back and forth between the “whites” and the “blacks” the religious and non-religious, but the real battle should be everyone versus the pedophiles and sick fucks who love to see people in pain…but it’s not. That’s because they don’t want it to be like that…maybe their part of that disturbing world. No one is discussing how to get rid of them. The “child lovers”. They all need to disappear. Instead there’s a mass murder on African Americans. Then a back and forth between “That’s not racist” and “That’s racist”….
July 6, 2015
Every time my cousins are over, I’m presented with rude awakenings, annoyance, complaining, annoyance, annoyance…the list goes on and on. It’s as if I can’t have a break. I’m either taking care of them, helping my dad, or helping my mom on her homework. I don’t know why I’ve been letting myself go like this…helping everyone. I’ve stated that before that everyone will continue to take their anger out on me whenever they feel like it. They’ll hate me no matter what right? Maybe there’s a small part of me that sees a glimmer of hope…maybe that’s not true and my theory is wrong. I’ve been wrong before…but usually when I’m wrong it’s because I’m too optimistic. Can it reverse? I’m finding myself more tired lately…even before Mike’s kids came; all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. If I wanted to…I could probably sleep for a whole day. I’m having a hard time finding the light. That path that makes me comfortable…but there’s no such thing is there? Not for me anyway. I’m sure other people could find the path of a Pharmacy Tech “safe” and “comfy”…they don’t have to worry about suicide.
I’ve been thinking about getting help for my suicidal thoughts. They’ve been around with me ever since elementary school…it might be a miracle that I’m alive this long. All my life I’ve just tried to find distractions, but when I’m alone they’re there in the background as white noise. The voices are very annoying. I don’t talk about my suicidal thoughts too much with Raeleen. When I do, I get the impression that she might think she’s not making me “happy” enough. To be honest I don’t know what happiness is anymore…maybe I never have. I’m not sure. There’s too many things I’m unsure about…that’s why I want to talk to someone about these thoughts. They might have something to do about the curse.
Me being comfortable is laughable…I think the time where I felt most comfortable was acc. It was the first and only time people praised on how much work I put into things. Those days are gone. Whenever there is praise it feels forced or subtle. It’s never up front in anyway…I know that’s not why I do it though. Deep down, I just want to get better…but the praise felt so good and made me happy. Where has it gone? Even jokes make me depressed. Sometimes I think people “assume” I know I’m a genius and that making the joke “geez josh you suck” is some sort of irony…but I think that’s what people want me assume. Maybe in some way shape or form they want to put me down and want me to feel it, but at the same time don’t want others around them to see how much of an asshole they really are. In the end more people will hate me rather than hate them. That’s the nature of the beast…and that’s how people subconsciously play this disgusting game.
I feel like my parents like me more for the time being…I don’t know how long it’ll last. I guess I have to work really hard to do it. Even though I helped my mother with her homework, she still took her anger out on me. Reminding me about U of H and setting my mind back in that place…all because the house was dirty. I blew up and started punching things. I wanted to cut myself so bad…but I ended up scratching my arm with nicely trimmed finger nails…so it didn’t really hurt, but allowed me to release my aggression. In times like those, it’s hard to turn to music as a distraction like I used to do in High School and Middle School. These days music is the reason I’m in that state of mind. So I guess I just need to trim my nails in preparation for when someone decides to “take their anger out on me”. I don’t know what I’ll do anymore because I feel like I can’t control myself in those situations. I would never want to hurt my mom physically or even my dad…but myself I seem to have no problem with. If I had an ego like Chris and Ethan…maybe things would be better for me.
It’s kind of cool to see how far Mya has come when playing drums. She surprised me today. We hadn’t had a lesson for a while, but she already mastered the beat that we ended with…that told me that she’d been practicing. That made my day believe it or not. Out of all the family I think she’s the only one who doesn’t have this negative aura surrounding me…maybe because most of what she’s heard about me doesn’t come from heresy. I don’t think Pablo is one to “talk shit”. As for Yvette, she’d only gossip to girls(my aunt Sarah), but after that whole “thing”, I don’t think there’s much gossip…I’m not entirely sure of My Aunt Sarah’s opinion on me to be honest. Maybe she’s guarded because of how much this side of the family detests her…and I’m part of it…but she doesn’t really hide like she used to when I go to teach Mya. To be honest I don’t have any hatred towards Aunt Sarah. Even though I feel like people want me to hate her, I legitimately don’t. I feel like there’s more to the story that’s none of my business. If she makes my uncle happy and he’s okay with everything then that’s really all I’ll go by. What’s the point of hating someone? It’s not the Christian thing to do…oh wait it is…I forgot that the majority of them are hypocrites.
I feel like these next few days are going to be filled with tons of different emotions…I think a big part of me is tired of being polite. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing anymore…but I hope it leads to my dreams.
July 7, 2015
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha…the Brady Bunch greatly captured that concept well. The better looking always get anything they want. The person doesn’t even have to be ugly…just the fact that they’re always standing next to the better looking person is enough to make the world turn upside down…maybe not upside down…but I was thinking a lot about what I wrote yesterday and how true it is. I even predicted some things events that actually took place. One of these events dealt with my dad.
My cousins, Chris and I were going to run, but then it rained. They then decided to fill up water balloons. I didn’t really care much for it, but then they were fighting for “who would be on Chris’s team”. I just broke it and said “how about you all go on Chris’s team and face me”. They get really annoying and loud when they fight. So that’s what happened…I guess you could say I kind of predicted that too. It’s always “teams” with them…just so they could make one of them feel left out. It’s something my brothers would always do…well we did the balloon thing and I got splashed more than I wanted to…but then I got to run…my dad came home agitated(this was before the balloon thing, and during the band practice). I knew he was going to take some of it out on me…because that’s what everyone does nowadays. I got yelled at for leaving the door opened and for their mess they made with the broken balloons. Again, Chris sneaks away with his crimes…and I’m the witness they give up questioning and resort to accusations.
I forgot what else I predicted. Mom hasn’t done anything like that because I think she has a paper coming up that she’ll want me to help her with…I’m starting to compare adults to kids…especially when my cousins are around. For instance my cousins are only nice to me when Chris isn’t around and they want “someone” to play with. I made them play some dreamcast. I successfully made them escape their boredom but in the end it didn’t matter when Chris came. It was like they forgot all that time I spent with them, all of their laughs and all the joy within powerstone and my funny voices…all of a sudden Chris was the “fun one” and I was the “boring one” again. Instantly. It’s like that with my parents too.
As soon as John comes he’s the “smart one”, but when he’s not around mom comes to me for help. Chris is always the “good one”. She’ll ignore all of the times he’s said “fuck God” but will remember the one time I said “I’m an atheist”. Dad’s the same way. Whenever I’m helping him he’ll throw in “Chris helps too sometimes” as if to counteract any extra love he might feel towards me…even though Chris will help very little when there’s work and then most of the time he leaves. It’s like that and I’m thinking these scenerios might have something to do with the fact that I want to kill myself.
From my prospective it’s like people only see me as a substitute for someone else they usually hold in higher regard. It makes me feel worthless in a way. The one thing that I do well is often smirked at rather than praised and that makes me feel even worse. Even collegues will take time to smirkly say something of mine is “good” while just a chord progression for someone else is “freaking sick”, so much for all those sleepless nights. I’ve made a decision that if this band ultimately fails I’m killing myself. There’s really no point of my existence. Even if I write the “greatest song ever” it’ll suck because it’s written by me. It’s a sad reality, but the fact that I’m predicting things that actually happen are starting to prove my little theories. If the “one thing” I’m passionate about fails…then there’s really no point in living.
July 12 2015
I think it’s time to start making a “get off my ass” schedule. I feel like I can be completing things faster if I make deadlines for myself. So Here’s my attempt at this. Since today is Sunday, I’m going to try to make a schedule for the next two weeks. Sorry if it’s not juicy, but I need to make this schedule. Our songs are; 1. After the Atomics,2. Long Live the Rhythm, 3. Identity Climax,4. Joker,5. Crazy Jump, 6. I’ll be Alright, 7. Sega Girl 8. Outrun. 9. Careless Raven So I’ll divide those into days where I work on them. Since no one else wants to analyze the music, I’ll be doing all of them. Even their songs. Lets start with my practice schedule. There will be one more week before I have to study.
Monday: Piano Practice; Joker, After the Atomics, Sega Girl, and Long live the Rhythm. Run through previous solos and begin the Intermezzo. Composition: Finish the Intro Song. Record Game Analyzer and make the background to convert. Buster Punch: Work on the “Wall” in Buster Punch. Raeleen comes over.
Tuesday: Piano Practice: Careless Raven, Crazy Jump, Identity Climax, Outrun. Run through previous solos and intermezzo. Composition: Work on that piano piece and start that electric piano piece you have in your head. Rehearsal at 4:00. Game Analyzer: Edit the video and finish it. Buster Punch: Work on it for at least an hour.
Wednesday: Piano Practice: Joker, Crazy Jump, Identity Climax, Outrun, I’ll be Alright. Run through previous piano pieces and work on Intermezzo. “Catch up” on whatever you couldn’t do the other days. Composition: Work on something for at least an hour. Buster Punch: Work on something for at least two hours. Make band practice schedule. Try your best to invent a keyboard part for a song not intended to have keyboards(only to get it turned down because I can’t “feel” the way chris and tyler do psh…so much for all my sleepless nights of nonstop emotions).
Thursday: Raeleen comes over. Catch up on anything you missed. Or improvise.
Friday: Piano Practice: Intermezzo is the priority. Memorize Crazy Jump. Work on Buster Punch for an Hour.
You know, maybe I’ll put the week schedule in another log and make it more detailed. I just thought I’d start doing this more often and see how it actually goes. I might finish the intro song today and not have to do it tomorrow….but one thing is for sure. I have to write up a Game Analyzer today and I kind of don’t know where to start. I’ll have to do another Shenmue one I suppose since this is the last week for the kickstarter…Oh that idea “What’s in Shenmue 3” it’ll be a quickie. So I guess that’s the priority today. I’m also getting fat, so I have to do something about that too.
July 13, 2014
Man…it’s not far off from Raeleen’s birthday huh? The whole schedule thing actually worked. It made me work on some things I might not would’ve done…the only thing is I’m exhausted…but I guess that comes with trying to accomplish as much as possible. Even as we speak I’m rushing to write this because sleep is catching up to me. Hopefully I can wake up early. By the time I got to making Buster Punch, I was pretty much tired. I want to accomplish so much this week and I have Raeleen coming twice this week. One of those days was today, but even so I got to do everything I wanted. I didn’t get to finish everything I wanted though…Outrun. I really don’t understand Chris’s logic with it. I know he wrote it to “show off his bass”, but it doesn’t really do that. I guess he’s saving his best songs for his “solo” album. For some reason he has the mentality that Tyler and I are the “composers” and he’s just the “fun” one…likely more of that mentality that Anthony has put on this band. Chris actually writes music as opposed to making up music. There’s a difference.
Writing is when you write it out while “making up” is doing what Tyler does…but whatever…I remember mentioning before that there’s this mentality that Anthony and Tyler created that I’m a math guy while Chris and Tyler are “feel” musicians. They like to point that out and attempt to prove it.(but fail). First they attacked my lyrics. I countered with the sequel to Blind Angel…and they really can’t bash it because they likely cannot even comprehend it.(because they don’t read poetry). Now we’re about to play a song with no keyboard part intended for it. It kind of makes me frustrated. They say “I hear a keyboard part in the chorus but not the verse”…then why didn’t you make one? I have a feeling this next song isn’t going to make me very happy inside. More people taking shots and putting me down. Telling me what I am and what I’m not. I could write a book about what I am…oh wait I am…