July 18, 2015
Sometimes I wonder why I still do the things I do. In this life I’ve learned that there is no karma or Heaven point. It’s the reason why most people just like to do bad things and just mask it with religion or charity. All they care about is the outer shell because they probably don’t believe in Heaven or God deep down. Humans. I can see why people get so bitter like me. If you read this you would think that I say this stuff out loud all of the time…but that’s the reason why I keep the journal…so I can say this stuff in secret. I don’t like restrictions. I’ll let you know exactly what I think of you or someone else that’s nothing but an outer shell. It’s funny how alcohol often shows how a person is on the inside and yet it’s the cool thing to do these days. If I were to get drunk I might speak of what I write in here…or tell someone some dark secrets. The one thing I know for sure is that we as a species is a truly disgusting one. Why even exist?
I keep asking myself why I’m nice to people. What’s the point of being nice and generous when in the end they’ll still hate me or take out their anger on me? All that matters is appearance…sadly I’ve been cursed with being ugly. Usually ugly people grow bitter and kill other people. I can see why that is so. Life is unfair and since humans are horrible, it would make sense that an ugly person would want to take away all that the pretty person has. That’s the thing about reality though. Everything has a rhyme and a reason and it all goes down to something simple. In the end we’re manipulated by the higher ups and they get richer….because everyone is in this for themselves. They don’t hesitate to push over people who have some blind faith that doing good deeds actually mean something. In the end they take advantage of us. Yet I still continue to do good things as if there’s a part of me that hopes or wishes that good people get good things. Am I wrong?
I don’t know.
July 21, 2015
It’s Raeleen’s birthday today, so I really didn’t get much done as far as the endless projects go. I did get to drive though and get out of the house which is extremely refreshing. I really just wanted to leave anywhere. It’s surprisingly easy to drive places. I don’t understand why my parents always hype up the fear and danger of driving when they drive more reckless than I do. Nonetheless, Raeleen and I had a good day. We hung out with MP and Justin. I don’t know why, but there always seems to be some kind of tension between me and MP, as if we’re just not friends anymore(of course because of the Hayden thing). Maybe it’ll never heal. Raeleen always says It’s all in my head…but I know when someone despises me. Maybe not despise, but has some regret towards me or disappointment. I know this because I don’t feel like this with Justin, I can really talk to Justin about anything, but MP is a different story. I don’t know what to do about that.
We went to a Japanese restaurant and I felt really tired and sleepy. I don’t know what it was, but I just wanted to sleep. Part of me wanted the day to end, and another part of me didn’t want it to end. I almost suggested we visit more shops and stuff. Maybe I just wanted to escape the reality. For some reason I kept thinking about how different everything would be if I were a girl. I don’t know why my mind ventured there, but maybe everything would be easier. I think MP and I would get along better if I were a girl, but then I wouldn’t be romantically involved with Raeleen because there’s no way for her to be a lesbian. I don’t know why I thought about that.
I remember reading about people who get sex changes, and though it would be nice if I were a gal, there really isn’t a point. I’d be in the same position I am now. Maybe in my eyes, it makes more sense for me to be a girl because I don’t like sports or what not, I love poetry and all the stuff a girl would normally like, but at the same time I don’t like jewelry and I think I have bad tastes in cloths. All in all I think both sexes don’t make any sense for me. Male or female. I used to write all the time about how I’m asexual and didn’t need a girlfriend. I don’t need to classify myself as a male or female. I have trouble classifying myself in anyway. Even my music is unclassifiable. I feel like the minute people classify something as something else, people already get an idea what to think of it. Obviously media and stuff takes advantage of this, but at the same time it forces people to think less…so no matter how many times I think about “being a girl” or vice versa, I get put in the same pool. I don’t belong in either group. Maybe MP wouldn’t be my friend and maybe something similar would just happen. I’m just glad the person I love is the opposite sex of me. It makes things a lot easier.
We saw Ant man a movie I thought would suck…but it was actually pretty funny. I got Raeleen two bracelets for her birthday, and she ended up dropping one in the parking lot of the movie theater…but luckily for us it was still there when we went back to the car. Often times in stories when stuff like that happens, it usually means something symbolic. You can probably tie it to our life or just hers, but in the real world it’s just a strange coincidence.
August 1, 2014
Maybe people will read back on this after suicide has gotten the best of me…this whole journal and my whole life just to be put in a box titled “the past” where no one will care. I won’t even care…I’ll be nothing, which is basically what I am now. Just a pile of nothing. I can blame everyone in the world for what I am. I can blame the people who take advantage of me. That’s what the rest of the world does. They just want someone else to be in charge of their sorrow…and usually I’m the one to blame…in a way that’s the worse form of bullying imaginable. When someone constantly puts the blame on you…you even start to do it yourself and it all just spirals down and out of control…it drives me to the point where I don’t want to live anymore…no one even understands me and just when I think I find someone who does…it turns into a nightmare. Why even start a band? Why even continue with life? Why does everything I do just get thrown back at my face? Other people seem to do the same thing and it all works out for them effortlessly.
I think I’m just getting sick of everything. I know it’s been awhile since I wrote, but no one cares anyway do they? Everyone is trapped within their own bubbles without thinking that what they are doing may be harmful to the ones the supposedly care about. In the end it makes me want to break something…or even hurt someone…but I don’t…I stay nice and don’t even yell…and it changes nothing. They all still hate me. I keep telling myself to just stop being nice, but it doesn’t seem to work. I’m getting better at being the person people want to hate though. In their minds I’m already that person though. What’s the point of doing anything anymore…what’s wrong with just sinking? No one will even attempt to bring me back up anyway. They’ll just let me fall as long as I’m there to hear their rants, and help them with their tasks. Sinking away wouldn’t be a wrong answer would it?
I guess it’s all predictably now…this journal, my life…it’s become a sitcom in its 7th season. See Josh dream big, see Josh dream crushed…see josh depressed because Josh bad. It’s all repetitive now. I should have died…all those years ago…maybe I should have died when I turned 20 like I had planned. Maybe I should die now. I don’t belong in this place…maybe I don’t even belong anywhere. If I die, I’ll become nothing…and that’ll be that.
August 7, 2015
I know I was vague my last entry…may it’s because I was too fragile to even talk about the truth. Tyler quit the band and took his three songs with him…all because of…drugs/selfishness… For some reason Anthony and Caitlyn are trying to hate me. They keep using the word “biased” as if that means anything. What’s there to be biased about? Tyler quit so it’s my fault? Again…Josh=Bad Guy all the time. It’s that logic….so much for “finally having friends”. They’re just like everyone else. These past few days have been really hard, but I think I’m finally over it and ready to write three more songs to replace Tyler’s because that’s what needs to be done. John is filling in for Tyler. Maybe Chris will play the parts or something. I don’t know what’s going to happen…but I’m getting this album finished and then play it live. I really don’t care who plays it with me. If Anthony leaves then so be it. He’ll regret it once I and whomever has balls to do this with me are famous. They’ll all regret it…
It gets me so frustrated because I always see people making excuses for other people about their “depression” like it’s an art or something. Tyler has no idea what depression is and what I go through every day. That’s just that. Part of me just wants to tell him everything that makes me me. All the nightmares and the incident that always enters my head every now and then… He has no idea how it feels to be completely helpless. It keeps happening to me over and over and over. U of H, the Pharmacy test, and now this. Everything just seems to blow up in my face…failure after failure…Tyler’s never faced that. Tyler quits. I never quit…and I never will. Why don’t people make excuses for me? After all the shit that has happened to me my entire life all people want to do is demonize me, use me, and fuck me over. Where’s “oh we should be nice to Josh because life fucked him over”? Instead I get “You’re not doing anything important anymore” and yelled at just because “someone has had a bad day”. No one gives two shits about me except Raeleen.
So yeah these past few days haven’t been too pretty. Late nights…I can’t even sleep. It’s hard to breathe these days and all I can do is think about the next thing to do…and decrease the chances of me getting screwed over.
August 12, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if normal people “fail” this much. The funny thing is that I always give everything I do 100%…but it seem like some things are just set up for me to fail. It’s as if someone is playing with me like I’m a cat. It’s pretty much with everything in my life…I think I’m the definition of mediocrity. No matter how hard I try at anything, I’m never spectacular in any way. Even video games….today I was playing an old NES game Ninja crusaders. It’s a game I always come close to beating…but then I can’t beat the last level. Why does it always have to stop somewhere? It’s not that I haven’t tried to beat the last level, but it seems that no matter how I play it or what I do, something makes the poor red ninja cower and shamble. I always come so close and then it blows up in my face. The interesting thing about Ninja crusaders is that there’s no game over. So the only way you lose is when you decide to give up. I thought it was pretty ironic that it could be so similar to my situation. Ninja Crusaders is a really good game…maybe I’ll talk about it on Game Analyzer…just as one of those videos I WANT to do.
That’s another thing about Game Analyzer…I think those things are numbered. I feel like if people cared enough, I’d already have the right amount of subscribers I want…but no…people aren’t into game reviews anymore no matter how interesting you make them. People only look at the people whom are already popular…kind of like music and everything else that I do. Even the indie game scene is starting to get that way. All thanks to Shenmue 3…but yeah, I don’t know how many of them I’ll do…but if this Shenmue video doesn’t do well, then I might not do a Shenmue video every other week. It seems that the “higher ups” in that community don’t really like me that much. I don’t know why. Oh right…because they just see me as competition…just like everyone else. I’m an obstacle that someone has to overcome. I’m never that “wow that guy’s amazing” I’m always “I need to be better than that guy”. That’s the way it’s always been. If I’m not at the bottom, then no one is satisfied with me. Sad…sad world.
I got Anthony back on drums…come to think of it Tyler even said he always felt he was “in competition with me”. Why? Maybe that’s the reason he never really saw himself as part of the band. He saw his songs as something separate. Which is sad…but I just need to stop being nice. Being nice has got me nowhere accept me getting screwed over and over again. Oh well…maybe I could be nice to the people whom I know won’t anger me…and for the people I grow suspicious of, I’ll be stern. Not an asshole, but stern. I don’t know the difference. Maybe I’ll just be like I am in the journal. Completely honest. If you met me in real life, you wouldn’t even have guessed that I’ve written these. I hold so much back. I wanted to say so much negative angry things to Tyler as he told me he was leaving…but instead I said all these positive things that…let’s be honest…he didn’t need to hear. He needed to hear that he was selfish, but I couldn’t say it.
I think it’s because I used to be honest with John and the more honest I was, the more he hated me. Now I’m not honest with John. I don’t give a damn about how awful he makes me look or will look. He’s playing the guitar parts now. Many wanted the part; almost none wanted to put in the work. The funny thing about guitar players is that they’re the most arrogant, and the least skilled. Both John and Gabriel like to believe that they’re a better guitar player than Chris, but they don’t even come close. Chris was even technically better than Tyler. I think John still wants to believe that he’s a better guitar player than Chris…but he hasn’t really proved it to me yet. Gabe never came close. Gabe had good technique, but nothing he did made any sense…but I guess he just does things for fun now. John does have a chance to be a better guitar player than Chris, but he has to let go of that notion because it’s holding him back. Of course they’re some aspects to where he’s better at Chris…I think he’s better at Jamming with guitar than Chris…but jamming really isn’t anything. If you put on an hour jam session it becomes boring and stale…and people fall asleep.
…but then again, everyone’s doing drugs. (sigh)…people are so stupid….and in circles we go. I want my music to be enjoyed by everyone. That includes people with brains and idiots. It becomes extremely difficult on the drawing board. Let’s go over some stuff for the album. Let’s see the songs we have now.
- Joker (3:10)
- Identity Climax (2:08)
- After the Atomics (4:10)
- Crazy Jump (2:35)
- Outrun (2:21)
- Careless Raven (3:37)
- Can’t Stop Thinking about You (5:15)
- Intro Song (3:43)
- Buster Punch (4:15)
- (Collab) (marimba) (9:??)
- (Chris’s new song) (2:??)
- (Caitlin’s other song)(4:??)
- Another love Song (3:??)
All in all I have to get to writing. Bass Mic/Guitar Mic, (direct audio Keyboard thing)