September 6, 2015
Damn it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything? I can’t believe how much time goes by. It’s almost depressing now…it used to be exciting as a kid when time would go by this fast. I’m gloomy today which is why I’m writing in here. I guess to vent about how unfair life is and how nobody likes me. The past few times I felt gloomy I didn’t write for some reason. I guess it’s because I’m lazier…or just too busy, I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Today I kind of had an emotional outbreak….So rehearsals are once a week now…and I guess I’m just now noticing more and more the little subtle hints that people drop to let me know that I’m shit or whatever. This whole fiasco is kind of irritating makes me just want to branch off on my own with my crappy guitar skills and hit the road(that’s the instrument most people care about). Even if I’m crap, I still have a higher chance of getting famous than if I go out with a piano and be “decent”. Well anyway I guess I’ll let you in on the subtle stuff.
I gave Caitlin a lead part on Dance Two of After the Atomics and Anthony knew…but he still put out. “Is she singing the whole part?” It was a question I had already answered, but he still felt the need to ask it in front of everyone. As if you say, “why are you still singing?”. I’ll admit, at first I did just want one singer, but because Tyler didn’t want people singing his songs(cuz everyone wants to be the star), he wouldn’t allow it. It’s too late to go back and change everything for a female voice with my tunes. I thought if I gave her a lead part in some songs that can do it, she’d be used more. You know, thinking selfless even though I shouldn’t be doing that. She could leave the band tomorrow for some odd reason. Anyone can…I’m not mad at her or anything, she’s probably the only one in the band who legitimately compliments me. This is sad, because she’s the newest “friend” I have.
There was some other stuff that was bothering me…I guess Chris is kind of bothering me again. I just feel like he doesn’t really care about “us” and only really cares about “him”. The “me first” mentality is still strong within him. Originally, pre Phoenix Splash would have been so much more successful if he had played his part. He was the “music video guy” and “get gig”, but what then he got tired of it and the last video he made for the and was so lazily edited…it’s disgusting. You could tell he tried his hardest on Hypocrite “his song” and half assed on most of mine. Reclips on jaywalker and Ghost of a midnight driver….then he just stopped…and I had to make videos myself if I wanted Phoenix Splash to stay alive. The thing that saddens me is that we were supposed to be a team. He knew more about gigs and where to play since supposedly he’s done that before and all we got was just one nonpaying gig at a bowling alley. The music videos just stopped and he no longer cared…but his “solo” projects were continuous. That was all he cared about.
I just thought we were supposed to be a team you know? But he, my best friend, also doesn’t care about me…even when I show him a song, it gets a one sentence review. Me and him were supposed to be a team…now I feel like it’s just me…even though he knows more about gigging, it’ll be me doing it…even though he knows more(well I probably do by now) about video editing, I’ll be charge of the videos. He didn’t even change the name of the channel out of his own fucking ego when it started. I should have just put it on my channel, done the gigging myself, and made the videos myself. We’d have a bigger following.
So now every time he mentions a solo project he’s working on or something I just get so mad. Yet I still let him write songs for the band and OF COURSE because life sucks, people always say “his songs are better”. So I get nothing for my hard work. Just being used like always. I’d like to think that maybe life will finally throw me a bone one day and here’s me saying “it will”. Everyone will finally give me the credit I deserve and not just throw me under the bus….but damn….his solo projects(which I played drums for because I’m a tool) kind of anger me now because he could be helping me with videos that help the band(not just him) and helping me with the collab(which I’m just going to write myself ). Instead he only thinks about himself and how to make himself look good. He’ll throw an excuse like “I’m just experimenting with the guitar to help the band” but if he wanted to do that, he’d record John whom is actually going to play on the album now.
…and I know you might be thinking that I shouldn’t be mad because he’s helping me with the album, but this isn’t MY album this is OUR album. This is supposed to be OUR project and OUR dream. The reason it hasn’t been lifted off the ground is the “me first” mentality. It’s so stupid. That’s me venting…now I’m writing a song where Caitlin sings because I’m not thinking about “me first”. I’m also going to write extra simple parts because I’m not thinking about “me first”. I’ll be damned if I have her sit out on any song!
September 10, 2015
I think yesterday made me realize something. Something I’ve mentioned before…but it’s not an understatement like you may think. I’m not making it up either. It’s a real life thing that probably happens to a lot of people. No matter what I do, how I look, or what I say…everyone will hate me. This hate was established when I was a kid…when my brothers blamed everything on me…because I was too young to stand up for myself. That became the norm…so now whenever someone is angry in my house they picture me as an image…I thought that if I had done everything my parents wanted me to do, it would stop…but I guess what’s done cannot be undone. What I need to do now is get my job and move out…getting famous will happen if it’s meant to be…I think the number one goal in my life is to be happy. All I really want to do is get out of that house and leave them for good.
I thought suicide was the answer, but in the end all it would do is benefit the people who hate me and hurt the few that actually love me. Sympathy points for the win…it would give the people I hate excuses to do stupid things they’ve always wanted to do(abuse, drugs, etc.) So now I think the solution is to move out. This won’t hurt anyone…but the people who hate me which is good. I realize that I’m in a predicament where me doing things for people is the norm…
Yesterday, my dad was angry. One of those rare occasions to where he really REALLY explodes. Of course the center of all his hate was me. I witnessed it firsthand. He started going on how “I don’t do anything” and that “Chris is the good one”…he completely forgot that whole day I spent with him cutting trees while Chris complained and left the house. He forgot the fact that I cut the overgrown septic tank while getting eaten by mosquitos….he forgot all of it. The same thing happened with mom when my cousins came over. I was “the bad one” and Chris was the “good one”. She forgotten the fact that I helped her make a 100 in all of her classes. Algebra, by basically taking quizzes first so she could see the questions, and her nursing classes for fixing her papers. She’d just forgotten all of that. Fast forward to now and it’ll all happen all over again.
I like to pretend that I’m a good person for doing all of these things, but I guess I’m not you know? People will just hate me for no reason…just because it’s been established ever since my childhood. I’m the bad one…so now how do I get rid of this predicament? I’m not sure, but when everything dies down I’ll probably go back to helping people…but now I’m going to explain everything to them…on how they will forget the good things I do just for the sake of hurting someone when they’re angry….because hurting others feels good I guess. This will happen for as long as I live there and maybe even longer. Maybe I won’t get those barbeques John always gets when he comes over…maybe I just won’t come over at all.
Now whenever they tell me to do something that’s going to take all day or at least a good few hours. I’m going to do the “evil” thing and ask for money. Now I always felt bad asking for things when I was a kid…and even now…but I figure that Chris and John were not like that and got pretty much whatever they wanted(the highest quality). I usually got the cheapest version of what I wanted. So I think I’ll just ask for ten dollars a session. When I proofread a paper, I’ll be a “tutor” and will be paid as such. When I mow the lawn, I will be paid as such(slave wages). I figure that if they already think of me as “the bad one” then there’s really nothing I can do to change that. No matter how much I put up with them. It’s all said and done. That’s what I’m doing…and I know that I usually don’t do the things I say when it comes to this sort of thing, but this time I’m serious. Sure, sometimes good people get what they deserve, but most of the time the “evil” get more…so I might as well play my part.
Well it seems that I’m stuck here for awhile…because Game Analyzer is uploading…I’m not at ACC right now…I’m tired of being there…also, is seems that they changed the rules just so that I won’t be there anymore. Now, every car has to have a tag…I think that’s what triggered dad to explode…but last week I went and I assumed all the “white spaces” were visitors, but then some signs said they were faculty…and all the “visitors” signs have been removed. I got an email from G(because I’m still on his list for some reason) that ACC has new faculty members that are more strict…they’re not even letting the band park without tags…not only that, but I was just tired of being there seeing that place and realizing the best time I had in “school” over. I miss it.
It was the only time where people actually appreciated what I did and called me out for it. Sure, there were some people “jealous” of what the teachers would say to me…but even they appreciated me and were friendly. It was a nice time you know? Then it was over and I was transferred to a place that made an effort to destroy me and screw me over…and what they did worked and they knew it worked…that was the fucked up part about it…and now? It’s hell. I’m considered very very low…to a point where no matter what I do it’s as if I do nothing. It’s an awful place to be…and now suicidal thoughts are the normal again just like they were in high school. I know Raeleen is on my side…but that’s it. You can argue Anthony too…I can tell he actually cares about me. As for John and Chris, the only reason they’re in my band(which I guess it is now) is because a small part of them realizes that there’s a chance I can actually make it in music…and they dreamt the same thing. They want to “make it” too. If I was shitty at what I did, trust me, you wouldn’t see them.
At least, that’s what life has made me think. I think all my experiences have drove me to a point where I think the world is against me. People naturally have hate towards me…possibly because my normal face is a face of agony. I don’t have that uppity spirit look that people want in another person. I have that look that my dog just died or something. I couldn’t sleep last night…well I thought I slept, but what it ended up being was like a power nap. I slept at 9 and woke at 1. Then I fell asleep again at nine and woke up late. So now here I am waiting for my video to upload. Pretty much I was contemplating the whole “I’m asking for money now”. That includes justifying it and what not. I know that I have to do it. It’s just why? I shouldn’t have to do it. The world shouldn’t be like this…but I guess it’s too late to change the world. I wasn’t born white or black. Those people usually have the opportunities to change the world. I’m just some mutt.
I played a marathon of video games last night, mainly fire emblem. I played a Gameboy game too…hmm…oh it was…dang I can’t remember…oh…it was King of Fighters 95. I played some advance games like F zero and Street fighter 2 as well. I think that made up my “trying to fall asleep” and ‘trying to stay awake because it’s too late to fall now”. Neither worked…I wrote a little story on “swap note” telling myself not to kill myself and the reasons. I guess I did think about suicide last night… maybe I’ll put those pictures in here. They’re a bit disturbing so Raeleen you shouldn’t look at them too long. You might see a side of me you finally won’t like.
That’s right eventually you will read this along with maybe one or two more…you’re probably concerned about me and don’t know how to show it. That’s why you smile…and then I can’t help but smile back no matter how disgusting my smile looks. The times when I’m with you are the only times I’m happy. Even when we text, it’s a small spurt of happiness…but then it goes away for a bit…and the demons come back. I’m reminded of how everyone else views me and how I view myself. Sometimes I can’t even look at myself in a mirror…the only time I do is when I’m getting ready to see you. I look in the mirror and say “someone loves that” and I remind myself again why I shouldn’t kill myself.
I’m constantly doing it now. Everyday I’m reminding myself why I shouldn’t kill myself because if I don’t, the thoughts will take over and I actually might do it. It would start by me breaking up with you and then pushing the rest far away. I’d push you the furthest and make you hate me. Then I would do it…it sounds so self-fish when you think about it. It’s that common misconception that suicide is self-fish…but it really isn’t. It’s just the ultimate escape you know? What’s selfish is hurting people you love just because you’re mad. People putting someone else down to raise your own spirits…those are selfish things. Suicide is basically like moving away…or moving out. Sure people don’t want you to do it, but sometimes you have to. That’s the misconception. You can argue that moving away is “selfish” but people do it all the time and sometimes it’s even encouraged.
That’s the justification I see for it anyway. I’m sure people put it in the selfish category so that people would avoid doing it. Maybe suicidal people are like me who try hard not to hurt anyone but end up doing it anyway….for merely existing. So…I guess while I’m telling myself I shouldn’t kill myself I’m, at the same time, justifying suicide. It’s a more advanced way, but I’m still contemplating it I suppose. It’s just a different way since high school or a few years ago. Damn…I don’t like this wi-fi, that’s for sure. It’s barely at 25 percent…maybe I’ll do something else for a while. This entry will probably be a long one.
Well I guess I never returned to my post. Sorry. Raeleen came and I ended up spending that day with her…it rained…like it normally does on days where I don’t need it to rain…it was nice being there. It’s not that I felt like “I belonged”, but it was a sense of “It’s okay that I’m here”. It’s too bad that place doesn’t have good enough wi fi…how predictable. Raeleen had to make a hot spot for my video to upload…and it eventually finished. Today I was off my game. I didn’t really do much creatively other than hum certain parts of my newest song “I miss you”. I played it a bit on the piano, and I think tomorrow I’ll probably start writing it. I’m trying to find out when it came to me…must’ve been one of those sleepless nights. I thought about the song the more I thought about Grandma. Like those pictures on my 3DS….so the song will probably revolve around that.
I applied for a job…part of me is excited….but at the same time part of me is saying “don’t get too excited your luck hasn’t exactly been all that good lately”. If it falls through, I’ll go with my plan to give private lessons like for real…and probably not get paid much. My dad was much nicer to me today…you know the spiral of the same ol same ol. Get mad at Josh then feel bad about it…rinse and repeat. I tried talking about this cycle to my mom and it made her…angry at me…so I just stopped and figured there’s really no point in arguing. I might as well be trying to convert a Christian to Buddhism. This song I’m humming…it’s pretty nice…like an outro for the album. I wish the band was already famous…I mean I’m a patient person…so I guess it’s going to feel like an eternity for this album to get finished. I’m thinking we could start recording week after next. We’ll all just do Joker and play along to Anthony’s drums. It’ll be the test…then once it all works out, we’ll know what to do and what not to do. Joker should be the first song we record.
With that said…I had a lazy day. Maybe because of the job stuff I just wanted to sit back and relax for some reason. I did study yesterday, but today? No. I guess that’s just the way my mind is working today. I did help mother with her stuff…and no…I didn’t ask for money like I said I would…the exact pattern is happening….you know, the part where I don’t retaliate and just let everyone walk all over me. It’ll probably happen if I get that job too…but the difference will be money…so I guess that all will work out…or at least that’s what I think. It really does feel like the tides are turning.
Oh yeah, a lot of my day was looking up 911 stuff. Surprisingly, facebook wasn’t covered with patriotism. I guess it’s even more taboo now than it’s ever been. The elite. It must be nice to be born in a Rockefeller family you could be whatever you want and do whatever you want. You’re basically free from all the chains that regular people go through. Hell, even if your Will Smith’s family, you get the same treatment. If I were suddenly to be in the elite, the world would change…or maybe I’d die trying to change the world and no one would know I was murdered…A lot of me is convinced that 911 was an inside job, but there’s no absolute proof other that coincidences that seem a bit too coincidental. What do you call that exactly? Is that proof or just foolery? I wish that time would sit still.
I’m tired of it being “week after week” and “month after month”. I wish time would sit still and let me finish everything that I want to be finished…but time keeps going…I guess I better get extreme with stuff. Tomorrow I’ll begin the writing phase for that song(shouldn’t be so hard). I have to work on my game tomorrow as well…oh and study of course. Maybe I needed to recharge my batteries today…especially after the “I hate Josh” party happened…and just for the record I didn’t get any apology…everyone was just nice to me…because they don’t want me to stop doing stuff for them. At least that’s what their actions make me think.
Looks like the tides are finally tuning….into a better radio station.