Man…it’s already the 21st…so much time has passed without me sticking to my study schedule all to meet the demands of others that usually turn up to nothing. Sometimes I’m too nice. I always seem to put studying on the back burner…but these next few days are going to be brutal…I’m going to have to figure out how exactly I’m going to finish flashing the book by the end of September. Tomorrow, my mother wants me to spend the whole day helping her with her paper…so I’m already set back another day…and in the future she’ll pretend it never happened…surprise, surprise. That’s why I’m going to get a keyboard amp out of it…I can’t ask for money, so I might as well ask for a ride to guitar center and get myself that keyboard amp I’ve always wanted. Not to mention I’m still doing Game Analyzer and all that jazz. I have to go and give another free lesson and probably plan to give out paying lessons in the near future. I mean I have to make money somehow…I can’t get turned down for doing lessons because I’ll be my own boss. Who knows? Maybe there’s a ladder in all of it…
You know, I don’t like to take pictures. I don’t like to be videotaped either…I think I share the same feeling towards myself that everyone else might feel. Whenever I see myself, I get mad. I’ve had this problem for a while now…and I think you’ve probably heard it quite often now. I just often see people who are so “depressed” take so many pictures of themselves.
October 8, 2015
Hello…I suppose it has been awhile. I haven’t been well in between the last post and now. Maybe the worst was yesterday when I was actually going through the thought process of breaking up with Raeleen, putting my music archive on Youtube and then killing myself. This time it was strange. I wasn’t conjuring how I was going to die, but I was just making decisions as if it were a project I was planning. Like making my game or my music…it was just another project that I had to get done. I actually started my music archive. I don’t know if it’s the suicidal thoughts of mine taking it’s effects or the fact that putting an archive on Youtube would be cool…the archive will be there though. I don’t know much of anything right now…but what I honestly want right now is for Raeleen to stop reading this.
The fact is that no one can really help me right now unless they had all the answers to my questions. Why did this happen? Why did that happen to me? Why won’t this happen? Why won’t that happen? Why? Why? Why? No one can answer that. You might say go to God, but that’s ridiculous. I remember I used to pray when I was a kid. Every time I did it was for a selfish reason. I remember I used to pray not to have nightmares all the time. They came anyway. I wish God were someone you could just talk to and he would just talk back, but that shit doesn’t happen. Or at least to me anyway….there’s some people who claim God talks to them. This particular person always advertises on Facebook and stuff that he hears God’s voice and it tells him what to do. In real life he would make fun of one of my friends about her weight. Wow. I guess God told him to make fun of fat people…but that’s not the case. The truth is that God doesn’t talk to him. He uses God to get what he wants. If you believe in God it makes people like you no matter what kind of shithead you are. He’s just like I was. Bask when I believed in God I used him for selfish reasons. It was always “protect me” “help me” “save me”…but I guess that’s what the majority of his believers do in the heat of the moment.
Now I’m not going to get all sciencey on how God doesn’t exist because when it comes to that kind of thing it be easy to conclude that if God did exist it would be beyond our understanding. We all want someone with the answers, but no one has them. It feels reassuring that someone or something might be there with all of the answers waiting to answer them after we die. If that were true then I have a lot of questions for him. He’s made a messed up reality where the rich and evil prosper and the kind and poor just fail over and over again. I’d like to think I’m kind…but no one would believe me. Maybe if I keep saying that I’m a kind person then people will believe it. That’s how it works right? I can’t even complement myself outloud. I’m always angry at myself no matter what it is. I was playing piano and realizing how awful I am and if I were outside of my body watching myself try to play everything perfectly and then always miss one note, I might laugh at that poor fucker trying to be something he’s not. I’m nothing. I think that’s the moral of all my failures. Maybe I just have to accept that I am nothing and that that’s all there is to it.
I don’t fit in with anything, and I don’t belong here. I’m just holding back everyone and that includes Raeleen. I guess she’ll probably never stop loving me which makes suicide pretty difficult. I love her too. That’s what always holds everything back. If she weren’t there it would probably already be over. I couldn’t believe yesterday I was going over the scenario on “how I would break up with her”. I was thinking I should make her hate me or something. Which may or may not be all that hard…I’ve had her mad at me before for less things in the past. She claims she’s not that person anymore, but it’s impossible to fully understand all of that.
I’m okay now though, I’m not doing all of that. Yesterday hit me pretty bad though. Today isn’t really all that good either. The day just went by so fast and people keep canceling and changing stuff around to further add stress to myself. I have no choice but to sleep late and wake up early…because I can’t even go to the school to upload Game Analyzer. I have to do it here when the internet is infinite which is at 2:00 am. At least I’m hoping it’s infinite. There’s really no indication, but it would always be rocking whenever it was 2:00 am and we supposedly ran out of width. I don’t really know what’s going to happen to my way of thinking, but it seems like everything is getting much much worse in my head. Maybe it’ll pass…but then it’ll come back.
October 17, 2015
The past few days have been nothing but positivity. That’s right, October the 14th has happened and it went better than I had anticipated. I thought this birthday would totally depress me but it didn’t which was really good. I’m 23 now. It’s funny…I actually thought I was turning 24. Who knows how things are going to turn out for me these next few months/years. I sure don’t. I think this year my close friends have multiplied. When compared to last year and even the year before it was kind of dim. Raeleen has always been there so I wouldn’t feel completely alone. I don’t know what I would have done without her those years. I haven’t really been writing in here because I’ve been taking out my thoughts on the “Josh DeL Music archives”. It’s been a trip down memory lane lately where I remember what each song connects to. They really do connect to things that have happened to me. Even the songs I write now…well especially the songs I write now. Depression is a strong force, but I think it has been dormant as of late. Thank goodness.
My friends took me out to eat and by friends I mean “Anthony, Caitlin, and Chris”. Raeleen was with me and I got to meet Chris’s new girl whom was pretty cool. It was a perfect evening that I’ll probably get a song out of soon. I gotta do something nice in return too because that’s just how I’ll work. I got a tattoo, a sticker and bottomless fries. Caitlin even battled sickness to come to it so I felt pretty important. It was cool to see everyone and Raeleen there. They’re pretty important to me and latterly are the opposing force against these scary suicidal thoughts of mine. I remember seeing Raeleen in the bookstore. First we were in opposite isles and then we found each other like some kind of romantic comedy. I was just thinking back to all of the years we’ve been together. We’re really soul mates….like really. Anthony likes to talk so there was not a quiet moment within the group even though Miranda and Raeleen never met the Anthony and Caitlin. It was pretty sweet. Just a group of people I could be myself around and not have to double think everything I do. It felt good…the food was awesome.
John didn’t go, but I assumed he was pretty busy this whole week…plus Nicole had his phone. John gave me the best thing he could have given me…his hand at the guitar. He practiced the song, and I could tell. So now we’re finally ahead of where we were with Tyler…well minus Tyler’s songs. This is where the new songs will kick in. Their simple like Tyler’s and the guitar will have a lot of input (guitar solo is free). That’s how that’ll work. There were a lot of mistakes I’ll chew out later as a unit…but as of now we’re ready to move on from the core songs and onto the new ones. We rehearsed today and it was pretty nice. The weather…everything about today was nice. Caitlin was still battling her sickness, but it was okay due to the fact that we needed to focus on John primarily this rehearsal.
I got a new Swamp Thing comic from Raeleen in which I haven’t read yet…it’s about his daughter…so I’m pretty stoked to read it. I like when she’s over. I just forget about everything in the world for a moment and feel happy. I think when we live together my depression might just have to move out because it never hits when she’s there…so far at least. Even when I was mad at something before she came one time, it went away when she visited. She’s amazing.