June 6, 2015
The tides are turning aren’t they? Half of the time I wonder why I try to live this life….and that deep down everyone would be a lot happier if I’m gone. They’d get to use pity points and then move on. One less competitor they have to deal with. I used to think that everyone was against me…but now I realize the whole world is always trying to work against me. Everyone thinks so independently while I’m over here trying to keep it all together. The way they want it is for me to shut up and only play when they need me to. No one wants to see me as a leader, but if I don’t lead then they get lazy and freeze. So in the end I pretend I’m not the leader and well I guess I’m tired of not getting the thanks I deserve…from people I work with…no I didn’t get a job yet…I actually failed the Pharmacy test…that’s why I mentioned that the world was against me. I can’t even fucking pass a stupid test.
My looks are dying…or rather they are the same since senior year which wasn’t so good looking. Why do looks play such a big part in everything? It’s something I’ve realized since the beginning of my life…but now it’s really getting on my nerves. I guess I’m just agitated with life in general. I’m getting sick and tired of things not working out…because people have the “me first mentality”…GET THE FUCK OVER IT. You’re in a group. It’s “we” now not “you”. Chris is such an idiot sometimes. His ego on par with Ethan’s. Guess that’s what happens when you hang out with whores who constantly raise your confidence just so you’ll give them attention. I’m thinking about just renaming the channel anyway. “We” are Phoenix Splash. So the name of the channel should be “Phoenix Splash”. That was one of the things we were supposed to do when we started the damn channel…but he said that changing the name was “impossible”. If I would’ve known he was hiding that then I would’ve posted all Phoenix Splash’s stuff on my or a different channel. You can change the name of the channel. It’s very easy to do. Now that I’m more involved with our channel…well I guess it’s “his” now…I found the option that he was lying to me about.
“Me first mentality” gets really old. He’s 25 years old. You’d think he’d get a fucking clue. AND now that I’ve found the option and said “we should rename the channel to Phoenix Splash” you know like we originally planned. He said “no”. So now after ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the shit I put into it he won’t want to rename it because well he’s an idiot. DaNile is a name that makes no sense. Everyone thinks it’s stupid and well it is. The name needed to change a long time ago. Nothing will be affected. In fact it will help people remember our fucking channel’s name. But it’s still “his” channel. That really really pisses me off. I feel like I’ve been double crossed. I even fucking named the facebook that because according to him it was impossible to change….but it’s not and never was! He lied to me and used me and now it’s back to “his” channel. Fuck him. I wish I knew a bassist that could actually fucking know how to read music and not waste my fucking time with his ego…and leave him in his little bubble….but you know what? I need to use him now.
June 7, 2015
I guess I kind of blew up yesterday…that’s what happens when you get mad…you say things you don’t mean…but these things are always at the back of your mind. For instance if you were my friend and you noticed something you didn’t like about me then you’d probably yell it when you’re frustrated. You don’t even have to be frustrated at me….but who knows. I have a lot to do tomorrow so I figured I’d start now…I have to finalize the album tomorrow and probable release it on Thursday…which reminds me…I have to make an announcement on the channel and tell people what the hell I’m doing…because like wrestling has taught me…we need a voice…and it looks like that voice is me. Gonna do a quick game analyzer and release the album at the same time. Hopefully it all goes well. Hopefully it goes beyond my expectations…I guess the chapter change is going to be referring to the CD release huh?
Now that Phoenix Splash has it’s first CD…and new members…everything will go well. So since this is phoenix Splash Maybe I should write the announcement in my journal. Ha. If I’d shown all the Game Analyzers on my journal you’d be bored to death. Unless you like video games. Well nonetheless here it goes. Come to think of it…maybe I should release the album next Thursday. Nah…I’m tired of holding it off.
Well hello there fellow subscribers and hopefully future ones…We have some announcements to make!
First announcement: As of today, our channel name “DaNilechannel” will be changed to Phoenix Splash TV…because that’s the name our band goes by and it might make us easier to find in your subscription box.
2nd announcement: Speaking of the band, our album titled “Phoenix Splash Radio” is now finished and will be released…right about…now. You can listen to the full album on a Youtube playlist in the link below and you can listen to it on soundcloud as well. You can also download it for free! Are you a music pirate? Well no need for your expert hacking…we’ve got it covered. Just make sure to share us with your fellow chums.
3rd announcement: Phoenix Splash officially has two new members….a guitar Player and a drummer. I’m switching to keyboards. We will be working on a brand new album which will contain many different kinds of sounds such as “cowbell sounds”, “China sounds”, “Jazzy sounds”, “Heavy breathing sounds”, and this sound “uhh”. We’re working really really hard on it and it may take some time.
4th announcement: Due to the time it may take we’ll keep entertaining you with shows like “Game Analyzer”, and will continue to make some music videos for some songs off and on the “Phoenix Splash Radio” album. We will also start a “making of” for the new album coming up which will start up pretty soon. So you can see the journey that it takes.
Well I hope you enjoy what we have worked so hard on over the years….and now the gears are in go! Make sure to leave comments! Subscribe, share and do whatever you need to…to keep the phoenix rising from the ashes. Have a pleasant day!
Whew I’m so glad I came up with this voice. It’s solving so many problems. Well now I gotta write a Game Analyzer. Thank you for hearing my prayers.
June 24, 2014
So it’s been awhile huh? The last time I posted was before the album was released and quite a bit of stuff has happened. It’s funny…it doesn’t seem like the last chapter has really ended…maybe this is just a short end piece to that chapter. Phoenix Splash Radio did as well as it could have done…most of my friends and family mainly saw it as my album so many of them probably didn’t listen to it…but the subscribers did I’m guessing. The other people were probably people who know little about me and are just curious…but nonetheless everything went well. Another crazy thing that happened was the fact that Shenmue 3 got announced…after fifteen years. I put a heartfelt video on Youtube.
It explains things better than I can in words. A game that I’ve always been writing about ever since the journals started has finally got its release. Of course who ever has stumbled upon this didn’t read my other hand written journals…let’s see what else happened that was big? You know I think that was about it.
Other than the Game Analyzer I’ve been keeping myself busy with my music and my game…ongoing projects of mine that help keep my mind off of suicide. Lately my mind has been on something that happened to me a long time ago…something I don’t really write about that much because it traumatized me as a kid. You know, I think it was the first thing I’ve ever wrote in a journal because it was so hard to keep that information in my head. Actually it’s probably what made me start a journal. Whenever I think about it now, the memory is a blur, almost like a dream…sometimes I pretend it didn’t happen just to make everything easier to cope with, but whenever I first told Justine about it, that’s when that realization took its place. Now that I think about it, telling her damaged everything. As soon as I let it out, it got worse. I started cutting myself because that was “the way” to get over things…but that made everything even worse. So maybe if I let it out again…things might go down that road…but part of me feels like I need to confront it…the only problem is there’s really no way to do it. I look back at that kid I was and how much I changed. One year I was talking to everyone and making a lot of friends…the next year I was silent and kept everyone away from me. I’m even having trouble remembering which grade that was…maybe second…or third grade.
Whenever I was self-analyzing myself I left that whole bad dream out of it as if I was convinced that it didn’t happen. It’s funny because in junior high, I started seeing that repressed memory in snippets. Now I saw a broom…but I don’t know if my mind is making that up, or if a broom was really there. I’m not going to totally disclose what happened to me, but apparently it involved a broom. No one reads these anyway so I feel I’m free to talk about anything. Hopefully. Word Press is just like sound cloud. No one gives a shit.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping…last night I stayed up until 9:30 I look at the clock now and it’s already 2:00 am. Sometimes when I don’t update a journal I find my mind venturing out on its own. That’s probably why the bad dream came back and now it’s keeping me from sleeping. I don’t like to talk about it to Raeleen. I think I told her, but I don’t remember. She probably forgot. I can’t exactly talk to Justine about it, I remember trying to talk about it to Chris, but he quickly changed the subject. Come to think of it that’s how it usually is whenever I’m talking about any of my problems no matter how tragic they are. If it’s a break up a normal person would understand and help you out, but when it’s a bad dream that not many people have had then I guess it’s almost impossible to comfort it. I think Justine tried and failed. The end result either made me angry or depressed. Come to think of it, she probably thinks I was lying…maybe that’s for the best. I wish it were a lie. I think all my depression and low confidence stems from that one bad dream. Broom. I don’t get it. You would think that with the internet that you could trace all bad dreams…but there are just too many dreams getting in the way.
I’m sorry I’m being so vague, but I’ll leave the contents to the bad dream to your imagination…and I’ll leave the details I reminisce to myself. I thought that if I mentioned it just a little bit I might be able to get some sleep tonight.
Phoenix Splash is going pretty good though I still feel a little bit of resentment that maybe the others have towards me. Then again it could all be in my head. For some reason Anthony and Tyler are still in the business of classifying everything. Chris writes the “fun” songs. Tyler writes the “hits” and Josh writes the “Dream Theater” songs. I kind of wrote my newest song in spite of that. My other songs were pretty lyric driven, but this one is extremely lyric driven…I wasn’t mad or anything, I just want them to open their minds to things. Often times my lyrics have religious themes. Why…because I think a lot about religion. I think people classify creator as “God” and the one responsible for all evil “Satan”. In fact the original meaning of the word “Satan” is opposer. Satan isn’t the name of the “Devil”. Notice it’s “the” devil and not “a” devil. “The” refers to a specific object. So when you say “Satan” that’s like calling my dad “mailman”. Its sad Christians don’t realize something so simple. Or maybe it isn’t sad. I think if I believed in God and the Devil I would have someone to blame for all my bad dreams. I would probably be worse off…or dead…but I have no idea if God exists. All I know is that the bible is stupid and it’s just a false sense of comfort to state that reality isn’t all fucked up…but even in the bible it’s all fucked up…but if you ignore all the fucked up parts then you have a nice book. I can ignore the bad dream, but it still happened. I can ignore the mess in my room, but I guarantee you it won’t clean itself.
I’d never put that in a song or anything. I use God, Satan, Angels, etc. as characters…because they are characters. I’m a character, you’re a character. We’re all part of a show called reality. Everyone wants answers and I do to. I guarantee you I think more about “the lord” than most of your christian rock stars who just use Gods name to make money…like the AVGN used Nintendo to get popular. It’s the same thing.
Reality is fucked up. I’m not the only one who gets bad dreams, and I’m not the only one who suddenly gets screwed over by the world. There’s just no one to blame. I guess that’s why people go to God…to find someone to blame. That’s the easy way out. I’m going to find another way. Even if it fucks me up.
I wish everything was set already. Instead, I’m still a ghost.
June 26, 2015
It’s funny, the more you go on through life, the more you realize how ugly this world is. Most people are hypocrites constantly putting themselves over the next person. A good majority of pedophiles exist behind closed doors. Everyone has a double life, whether that be a separate account on Youtube used to dislike videos and leave bad comments, or going on Torr and showing your true colors to yourself. The next day they’ll wake up, go to church and try their damnest to convince themselves that they’re good people. Good people. They exist, but I think they’re outnumbered by the monsters of the world. More people will gladly look up child porn than listen to my music…and maybe it’ll always be like that. This world is screwed up.
Idiots will ramble back and forth between the “whites” and the “blacks” the religious and non-religious, but the real battle should be everyone versus the pedophiles and sick fucks who love to see people in pain…but it’s not. That’s because they don’t want it to be like that…maybe their part of that disturbing world. No one is discussing how to get rid of them. The “child lovers”. They all need to disappear. Instead there’s a mass murder on African Americans. Then a back and forth between “That’s not racist” and “That’s racist”….
July 6, 2015
Every time my cousins are over, I’m presented with rude awakenings, annoyance, complaining, annoyance, annoyance…the list goes on and on. It’s as if I can’t have a break. I’m either taking care of them, helping my dad, or helping my mom on her homework. I don’t know why I’ve been letting myself go like this…helping everyone. I’ve stated that before that everyone will continue to take their anger out on me whenever they feel like it. They’ll hate me no matter what right? Maybe there’s a small part of me that sees a glimmer of hope…maybe that’s not true and my theory is wrong. I’ve been wrong before…but usually when I’m wrong it’s because I’m too optimistic. Can it reverse? I’m finding myself more tired lately…even before Mike’s kids came; all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. If I wanted to…I could probably sleep for a whole day. I’m having a hard time finding the light. That path that makes me comfortable…but there’s no such thing is there? Not for me anyway. I’m sure other people could find the path of a Pharmacy Tech “safe” and “comfy”…they don’t have to worry about suicide.
I’ve been thinking about getting help for my suicidal thoughts. They’ve been around with me ever since elementary school…it might be a miracle that I’m alive this long. All my life I’ve just tried to find distractions, but when I’m alone they’re there in the background as white noise. The voices are very annoying. I don’t talk about my suicidal thoughts too much with Raeleen. When I do, I get the impression that she might think she’s not making me “happy” enough. To be honest I don’t know what happiness is anymore…maybe I never have. I’m not sure. There are too many things I’m unsure about…that’s why I want to talk to someone about these thoughts. They might have something to do about the curse.
Me being comfortable is laughable…I think the time where I felt most comfortable was acc. It was the first and only time people praised on how much work I put into things. Those days are gone. Whenever there is praise it feels forced or subtle. It’s never up front in anyway…I know that’s not why I do it though. Deep down, I just want to get better…but the praise felt so good and made me happy. Where has it gone? Even jokes make me depressed. Sometimes I think people “assume” I know I’m a genius and that making the joke “geez josh you suck” is some sort of irony…but I think that’s what people want me assume. Maybe in some way shape or form they want to put me down and want me to feel it, but at the same time don’t want others around them to see how much of an asshole they really are. In the end more people will hate me rather than hate them. That’s the nature of the beast…and that’s how people subconsciously play this disgusting game.
I feel like my parents like me more for the time being…I don’t know how long it’ll last. I guess I have to work really hard to do it. Even though I helped my mother with her homework, she still took her anger out on me. Reminding me about U of H and setting my mind back in that place…all because the house was dirty. I blew up and started punching things. I wanted to cut myself so bad…but I ended up scratching my arm with nicely trimmed finger nails…so it didn’t really hurt, but allowed me to release my aggression. In times like those, it’s hard to turn to music as a distraction like I used to do in High School and Middle School. These days music is the reason I’m in that state of mind. So I guess I just need to trim my nails in preparation for when someone decides to “take their anger out on me”. I don’t know what I’ll do anymore because I feel like I can’t control myself in those situations. I would never want to hurt my mom physically or even my dad…but myself I seem to have no problem with. If I had an ego like Chris and Ethan…maybe things would be better for me.
It’s kind of cool to see how far Mya has come when playing drums. She surprised me today. We hadn’t had a lesson for a while, but she already mastered the beat that we ended with…that told me that she’d been practicing. That made my day believe it or not. Out of all the family I think she’s the only one who doesn’t have this negative aura surrounding me…maybe because most of what she’s heard about me doesn’t come from heresy. I don’t think Pablo is one to “talk shit”. As for Yvette, she’d only gossip to girls(my aunt Sarah), but after that whole “thing”, I don’t think there’s much gossip…I’m not entirely sure of My Aunt Sarah’s opinion on me to be honest. Maybe she’s guarded because of how much this side of the family detests her…and I’m part of it…but she doesn’t really hide like she used to when I go to teach Mya. To be honest I don’t have any hatred towards Aunt Sarah. Even though I feel like people want me to hate her, I legitimately don’t. I feel like there’s more to the story that’s none of my business. If she makes my uncle happy and he’s okay with everything then that’s really all I’ll go by. What’s the point of hating someone? It’s not the Christian thing to do…oh wait it is…I forgot that the majority of them are hypocrites.
I feel like these next few days are going to be filled with tons of different emotions…I think a big part of me is tired of being polite. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing anymore…but I hope it leads to my dreams.
July 7, 2015
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha…the Brady Bunch greatly captured that concept well. The better looking always get anything they want. The person doesn’t even have to be ugly…just the fact that they’re always standing next to the better looking person is enough to make the world turn upside down…maybe not upside down…but I was thinking a lot about what I wrote yesterday and how true it is. I even predicted some things events that actually took place. One of these events dealt with my dad.
My cousins, Chris and I were going to run, but then it rained. They then decided to fill up water balloons. I didn’t really care much for it, but then they were fighting for “who would be on Chris’s team”. I just broke it and said “how about you all go on Chris’s team and face me”. They get really annoying and loud when they fight. So that’s what happened…I guess you could say I kind of predicted that too. It’s always “teams” with them…just so they could make one of them feel left out. It’s something my brothers would always do…well we did the balloon thing and I got splashed more than I wanted to…but then I got to run…my dad came home agitated(this was before the balloon thing, and during the band practice). I knew he was going to take some of it out on me…because that’s what everyone does nowadays. I got yelled at for leaving the door opened and for their mess they made with the broken balloons. Again, Chris sneaks away with his crimes…and I’m the witness they give up questioning and resort to accusations.
I forgot what else I predicted. Mom hasn’t done anything like that because I think she has a paper coming up that she’ll want me to help her with…I’m starting to compare adults to kids…especially when my cousins are around. For instance my cousins are only nice to me when Chris isn’t around and they want “someone” to play with. I made them play some dreamcast. I successfully made them escape their boredom but in the end it didn’t matter when Chris came. It was like they forgot all that time I spent with them, all of their laughs and all the joy within powerstone and my funny voices…all of a sudden Chris was the “fun one” and I was the “boring one” again. Instantly. It’s like that with my parents too.
As soon as John comes he’s the “smart one”, but when he’s not around mom comes to me for help. Chris is always the “good one”. She’ll ignore all of the times he’s said “fuck God” but will remember the one time I said “I’m an atheist”. Dad’s the same way. Whenever I’m helping him he’ll throw in “Chris helps too sometimes” as if to counteract any extra love he might feel towards me…even though Chris will help very little when there’s work and then most of the time he leaves. It’s like that and I’m thinking these scenerios might have something to do with the fact that I want to kill myself.
From my prospective it’s like people only see me as a substitute for someone else they usually hold in higher regard. It makes me feel worthless in a way. The one thing that I do well is often smirked at rather than praised and that makes me feel even worse. Even colleagues will take time to smirkly say something of mine is “good” while just a chord progression for someone else is “freaking sick”, so much for all those sleepless nights. I’ve made a decision that if this band ultimately fails I’m killing myself. There’s really no point of my existence. Even if I write the “greatest song ever” it’ll suck because it’s written by me. It’s a sad reality, but the fact that I’m predicting things that actually happen are starting to prove my little theories. If the “one thing” I’m passionate about fails…then there’s really no point in living.
July 12 2015
I think it’s time to start making a “get off my ass” schedule. I feel like I can be completing things faster if I make deadlines for myself. So Here’s my attempt at this. Since today is Sunday, I’m going to try to make a schedule for the next two weeks. Sorry if it’s not juicy, but I need to make this schedule. Our songs are; 1. After the Atomics,2. Long Live the Rhythm, 3. Identity Climax,4. Joker,5. Crazy Jump, 6. I’ll be Alright, 7. Sega Girl 8. Outrun. 9. Careless Raven So I’ll divide those into days where I work on them. Since no one else wants to analyze the music, I’ll be doing all of them. Even their songs. Lets start with my practice schedule. There will be one more week before I have to study.
Monday: Piano Practice; Joker, After the Atomics, Sega Girl, and Long live the Rhythm. Run through previous solos and begin the Intermezzo. Composition: Finish the Intro Song. Record Game Analyzer and make the background to convert. Buster Punch: Work on the “Wall” in Buster Punch. Raeleen comes over.
Tuesday: Piano Practice: Careless Raven, Crazy Jump, Identity Climax, Outrun. Run through previous solos and intermezzo. Composition: Work on that piano piece and start that electric piano piece you have in your head. Rehearsal at 4:00. Game Analyzer: Edit the video and finish it. Buster Punch: Work on it for at least an hour.
Wednesday: Piano Practice: Joker, Crazy Jump, Identity Climax, Outrun, I’ll be Alright. Run through previous piano pieces and work on Intermezzo. “Catch up” on whatever you couldn’t do the other days. Composition: Work on something for at least an hour. Buster Punch: Work on something for at least two hours. Make band practice schedule. Try your best to invent a keyboard part for a song not intended to have keyboards(only to get it turned down because I can’t “feel” the way chris and tyler do psh…so much for all my sleepless nights of nonstop emotions).
Thursday: Raeleen comes over. Catch up on anything you missed. Or improvise.
Friday: Piano Practice: Intermezzo is the priority. Memorize Crazy Jump. Work on Buster Punch for an Hour.
You know, maybe I’ll put the week schedule in another log and make it more detailed. I just thought I’d start doing this more often and see how it actually goes. I might finish the intro song today and not have to do it tomorrow….but one thing is for sure. I have to write up a Game Analyzer today and I kind of don’t know where to start. I’ll have to do another Shenmue one I suppose since this is the last week for the kickstarter…Oh that idea “What’s in Shenmue 3” it’ll be a quickie. So I guess that’s the priority today. I’m also getting fat, so I have to do something about that too.
July 13, 2014
Man…it’s not far off from Raeleen’s birthday huh? The whole schedule thing actually worked. It made me work on some things I might not would’ve done…the only thing is I’m exhausted…but I guess that comes with trying to accomplish as much as possible. Even as we speak I’m rushing to write this because sleep is catching up to me. Hopefully I can wake up early. By the time I got to making Buster Punch, I was pretty much tired. I want to accomplish so much this week and I have Raeleen coming twice this week. One of those days was today, but even so I got to do everything I wanted. I didn’t get to finish everything I wanted though…Outrun. I really don’t understand Chris’s logic with it. I know he wrote it to “show off his bass”, but it doesn’t really do that. I guess he’s saving his best songs for his “solo” album. For some reason he has the mentality that Tyler and I are the “composers” and he’s just the “fun” one…likely more of that mentality that Anthony has put on this band. Chris actually writes music as opposed to making up music. There’s a difference.
Writing is when you write it out while “making up” is doing what Tyler does…but whatever…I remember mentioning before that there’s this mentality that Anthony and Tyler created that I’m a math guy while Chris and Tyler are “feel” musicians. They like to point that out and attempt to prove it.(but fail). First they attacked my lyrics. I countered with the sequel to Blind Angel…and they really can’t bash it because they likely cannot even comprehend it.(because they don’t read poetry). Now we’re about to play a song with no keyboard part intended for it. It kind of makes me frustrated. They say “I hear a keyboard part in the chorus but not the verse”…then why didn’t you make one? I have a feeling this next song isn’t going to make me very happy inside. More people taking shots and putting me down. Telling me what I am and what I’m not. I could write a book about what I am…oh wait I am…
July 16, 2015
Surprisingly, I haven’t fallen off the bridge yet. I feel like I’m nonstop working on endless projects…the only difference is that I don’t have to do some meaningless math nonsense or school tests…but that changes next week when I start my study schedule again. I feel like I’ve gained the respect of my mother, but I also feel that it will slip away very soon. I don’t even have the respect of my band mates to a degree. In all honesty I think I only have the respect of Raeleen…but even then, I’m sure there things that she doesn’t tell me. That reminds me, next Tuesday is her birthday and I have no idea what I’m going to do. It’s too late to buy something online now isn’t it? Then again I could just say “your gift is arriving soon”. Gifts are getting harder to do for her because I feel like I’ve given her everything I can…but I’m leaning towards jewelry…maybe I’ll get lucky and find something pretty. Today is Thursday…so Game Analyzer was today. I suppose it did well, but I feel like everything is staying the same and nothing is growing. When I talk about Shenmue, more people watch than when I talk about something else. I’m going to try F zero soon though. I think it may have something to do with the Facebook groups that I’m on.
That said though, it all still feels like it’s staying the same. I wonder how you grow the channels. There isn’t any specific way that will work 100% of the time. If there was then there would be youtubers everywhere…but it seems like even stupid Youtubers still get way more recognition than they deserve…all because they follow a “top 10” formula. Top 10s…you know I tried that and in the end…two out of three of them did well…but I feel like I need to establish myself before I can do that. I thought about straying away from games and talking about 9/11 and Chris Beniot’s death…two subjects I know very well. I would just come in objectively…because that’s just how I am. I don’t believe terrorists attacked this country just as much as I don’t believe it was an inside job. It’s all in the air…but I only have a few of those cards to play. Not many people like to think about serious subjects like that and the ones that do are usually stubborn in their way of thinking…and stupid…but controversy gets views I suppose.
I’m so glad I came up with this “schedule” thing. It makes my emotions take a back seat. Many days my emotions decided what things got done and what things didn’t get done. If I didn’t feel like making my game or writing music, then I simply wouldn’t do the task as long. The schedule ignores what I feel. If I plan to make Buster Punch for an hour or more, I will make it for an hour or more no matter how sad I feel. Yesterday, I finished the intro song and the piano piece I was working on all because I scheduled “compose for 2 hours”. They were already ending, but ending pieces is one of my weak points. The schedule works…and when I start implementing the studying…I have a feeling I will hate myself for coming up with the schedule.
If I had known the band was going to let me down this week I would have started my study this week. I’m getting worried about Tyler. I’m starting to wonder if Tyler has the same attributes as Gabriel and John…maybe the only difference is that I took initiative for this group so I think they see me in some leadership role…that’s nice to know, but it might not dismiss the thought processes of “Guitar Mind”. Also, Tyler is less egotistical than them…well on the surface at least. I have no way to read minds. In his music though, I can see Guitar Mind clear as day…at least from my stand point. His lyrics are border line egotistical and despite knowing the instrumentation of the group, he still writes in the instrumentation that he’s used to, one Guitar, Two Guitar, Bass and Drumset…of course I’m the one left out. Sometimes I think this is a message towards me…but to be honest it could be laziness…I know he does have some keyboard knowledge. He took piano and I believe his dad is a really good pianist. “I’ll be Alright” has a keyboard part that I had to play to a tea(because apparently I can’t “feel” music the way people who can’t read can). That mentality is truly disturbing. How to eliminate it?
I tried with Sega Girl. Anthony came to me saying “You’re not really a lyric writer are you?”. I totally dismantled that thought. Not only are the meaning and amount of lyrics in it high, but I even threw in an instrumental setting. The song is 5:00 long and filled with Pop, Jazz, and whatever it is I do to make it sound Blind Angely. I guess that wasn’t enough. I could cry in my songs and they would probably still think the same way…just like my little cousins. Chris is the “fun” one and I’m just there for them when Chris isn’t there (giving them hours of entertainment). It’s just like my parents and just like everyone in the world. I used to think proving myself without saying anything was the way to do things…but apparently words often mean more than actions. I feel like this new song titled “Demons” is going to be another attempt at telling me that “I don’t have feelings”. They do it subtly, but any idiot can see what they’re doing. If it gets in the way of the song then I’m afraid I might have to crush their world.
July 18, 2015
Sometimes I wonder why I still do the things I do. In this life I’ve learned that there is no karma or Heaven point. It’s the reason why most people just like to do bad things and just mask it with religion or charity. All they care about is the outer shell because they probably don’t believe in Heaven or God deep down. Humans. I can see why people get so bitter like me. If you read this you would think that I say this stuff out loud all of the time…but that’s the reason why I keep the journal…so I can say this stuff in secret. I don’t like restrictions. I’ll let you know exactly what I think of you or someone else that’s nothing but an outer shell. It’s funny how alcohol often shows how a person is on the inside and yet it’s the cool thing to do these days. If I were to get drunk I might speak of what I write in here…or tell someone some dark secrets. The one thing I know for sure is that we as a species is a truly disgusting one. Why even exist?
I keep asking myself why I’m nice to people. What’s the point of being nice and generous when in the end they’ll still hate me or take out their anger on me? All that matters is appearance…sadly I’ve been cursed with being ugly. Usually ugly people grow bitter and kill other people. I can see why that is so. Life is unfair and since humans are horrible, it would make sense that an ugly person would want to take away all that the pretty person has. That’s the thing about reality though. Everything has a rhyme and a reason and it all goes down to something simple. In the end we’re manipulated by the higher ups and they get richer….because everyone is in this for themselves. They don’t hesitate to push over people who have some blind faith that doing good deeds actually mean something. In the end they take advantage of us. Yet I still continue to do good things as if there’s a part of me that hopes or wishes that good people get good things. Am I wrong?
I don’t know.
July 21, 2015
It’s Raeleen’s birthday today, so I really didn’t get much done as far as the endless projects go. I did get to drive though and get out of the house which is extremely refreshing. I really just wanted to leave anywhere. It’s surprisingly easy to drive places. I don’t understand why my parents always hype up the fear and danger of driving when they drive more reckless than I do. Nonetheless, Raeleen and I had a good day. We hung out with MP and Justin. I don’t know why, but there always seems to be some kind of tension between me and MP, as if we’re just not friends anymore(of course because of the Hayden thing). Maybe it’ll never heal. Raeleen always says It’s all in my head…but I know when someone despises me. Maybe not despise, but has some regret towards me or disappointment. I know this because I don’t feel like this with Justin, I can really talk to Justin about anything, but MP is a different story. I don’t know what to do about that.
We went to a Japanese restaurant and I felt really tired and sleepy. I don’t know what it was, but I just wanted to sleep. Part of me wanted the day to end, and another part of me didn’t want it to end. I almost suggested we visit more shops and stuff. Maybe I just wanted to escape the reality. For some reason I kept thinking about how different everything would be if I were a girl. I don’t know why my mind ventured there, but maybe everything would be easier. I think MP and I would get along better if I were a girl, but then I wouldn’t be romantically involved with Raeleen because there’s no way for her to be a lesbian. I don’t know why I thought about that.
I remember reading about people who get sex changes, and though it would be nice if I were a gal, there really isn’t a point. I’d be in the same position I am now. Maybe in my eyes, it makes more sense for me to be a girl because I don’t like sports or what not, I love poetry and all the stuff a girl would normally like, but at the same time I don’t like jewelry and I think I have bad tastes in cloths. All in all I think both sexes don’t make any sense for me. Male or female. I used to write all the time about how I’m asexual and didn’t need a girlfriend. I don’t need to classify myself as a male or female. I have trouble classifying myself in anyway. Even my music is unclassifiable. I feel like the minute people classify something as something else, people already get an idea what to think of it. Obviously media and stuff takes advantage of this, but at the same time it forces people to think less…so no matter how many times I think about “being a girl” or vice versa, I get put in the same pool. I don’t belong in either group. Maybe MP wouldn’t be my friend and maybe something similar would just happen. I’m just glad the person I love is the opposite sex of me. It makes things a lot easier.
We saw Ant man a movie I thought would suck…but it was actually pretty funny. I got Raeleen two bracelets for her birthday, and she ended up dropping one in the parking lot of the movie theater…but luckily for us it was still there when we went back to the car. Often times in stories when stuff like that happens, it usually means something symbolic. You can probably tie it to our life or just hers, but in the real world it’s just a strange coincidence.
August 1, 2014
Maybe people will read back on this after suicide has gotten the best of me…this whole journal and my whole life just to be put in a box titled “the past” where no one will care. I won’t even care…I’ll be nothing, which is basically what I am now. Just a pile of nothing. I can blame everyone in the world for what I am. I can blame the people who take advantage of me. That’s what the rest of the world does. They just want someone else to be in charge of their sorrow…and usually I’m the one to blame…in a way that’s the worse form of bullying imaginable. When someone constantly puts the blame on you…you even start to do it yourself and it all just spirals down and out of control…it drives me to the point where I don’t want to live anymore…no one even understands me and just when I think I find someone who does…it turns into a nightmare. Why even start a band? Why even continue with life? Why does everything I do just get thrown back at my face? Other people seem to do the same thing and it all works out for them effortlessly.
I think I’m just getting sick of everything. I know it’s been awhile since I wrote, but no one cares anyway do they? Everyone is trapped within their own bubbles without thinking that what they are doing may be harmful to the ones the supposedly care about. In the end it makes me want to break something…or even hurt someone…but I don’t…I stay nice and don’t even yell…and it changes nothing. They all still hate me. I keep telling myself to just stop being nice, but it doesn’t seem to work. I’m getting better at being the person people want to hate though. In their minds I’m already that person though. What’s the point of doing anything anymore…what’s wrong with just sinking? No one will even attempt to bring me back up anyway. They’ll just let me fall as long as I’m there to hear their rants, and help them with their tasks. Sinking away wouldn’t be a wrong answer would it?
I guess it’s all predictably now…this journal, my life…it’s become a sitcom in its 7th season. See Josh dream big, see Josh dream crushed…see josh depressed because Josh bad. It’s all repetitive now. I should have died…all those years ago…maybe I should have died when I turned 20 like I had planned. Maybe I should die now. I don’t belong in this place…maybe I don’t even belong anywhere. If I die, I’ll become nothing…and that’ll be that.
August 7, 2015
I know I was vague my last entry…may it’s because I was too fragile to even talk about the truth. Tyler quit the band and took his three songs with him…all because of…drugs/selfishness… For some reason Anthony and Caitlyn are trying to hate me. They keep using the word “biased” as if that means anything. What’s there to be biased about? Tyler quit so it’s my fault? Again…Josh=Bad Guy all the time. It’s that logic….so much for “finally having friends”. They’re just like everyone else. These past few days have been really hard, but I think I’m finally over it and ready to write three more songs to replace Tyler’s because that’s what needs to be done. John is filling in for Tyler. Maybe Chris will play the parts or something. I don’t know what’s going to happen…but I’m getting this album finished and then play it live. I really don’t care who plays it with me. If Anthony leaves then so be it. He’ll regret it once I and whomever has balls to do this with me are famous. They’ll all regret it…
It gets me so frustrated because I always see people making excuses for other people about their “depression” like it’s an art or something. Tyler has no idea what depression is and what I go through every day. That’s just that. Part of me just wants to tell him everything that makes me me. All the nightmares and the incident that always enters my head every now and then… He has no idea how it feels to be completely helpless. It keeps happening to me over and over and over. U of H, the Pharmacy test, and now this. Everything just seems to blow up in my face…failure after failure…Tyler’s never faced that. Tyler quits. I never quit…and I never will. Why don’t people make excuses for me? After all the shit that has happened to me my entire life all people want to do is demonize me, use me, and fuck me over. Where’s “oh we should be nice to Josh because life fucked him over”? Instead I get “You’re not doing anything important anymore” and yelled at just because “someone has had a bad day”. No one gives two shits about me except Raeleen.
So yeah these past few days haven’t been too pretty. Late nights…I can’t even sleep. It’s hard to breathe these days and all I can do is think about the next thing to do…and decrease the chances of me getting screwed over.
August 12, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if normal people “fail” this much. The funny thing is that I always give everything I do 100%…but it seem like some things are just set up for me to fail. It’s as if someone is playing with me like I’m a cat. It’s pretty much with everything in my life…I think I’m the definition of mediocrity. No matter how hard I try at anything, I’m never spectacular in any way. Even video games….today I was playing an old NES game Ninja crusaders. It’s a game I always come close to beating…but then I can’t beat the last level. Why does it always have to stop somewhere? It’s not that I haven’t tried to beat the last level, but it seems that no matter how I play it or what I do, something makes the poor red ninja cower and shamble. I always come so close and then it blows up in my face. The interesting thing about Ninja crusaders is that there’s no game over. So the only way you lose is when you decide to give up. I thought it was pretty ironic that it could be so similar to my situation. Ninja Crusaders is a really good game…maybe I’ll talk about it on Game Analyzer…just as one of those videos I WANT to do.
That’s another thing about Game Analyzer…I think those things are numbered. I feel like if people cared enough, I’d already have the right amount of subscribers I want…but no…people aren’t into game reviews anymore no matter how interesting you make them. People only look at the people whom are already popular…kind of like music and everything else that I do. Even the indie game scene is starting to get that way. All thanks to Shenmue 3…but yeah, I don’t know how many of them I’ll do…but if this Shenmue video doesn’t do well, then I might not do a Shenmue video every other week. It seems that the “higher ups” in that community don’t really like me that much. I don’t know why. Oh right…because they just see me as competition…just like everyone else. I’m an obstacle that someone has to overcome. I’m never that “wow that guy’s amazing” I’m always “I need to be better than that guy”. That’s the way it’s always been. If I’m not at the bottom, then no one is satisfied with me. Sad…sad world.
I got Anthony back on drums…come to think of it Tyler even said he always felt he was “in competition with me”. Why? Maybe that’s the reason he never really saw himself as part of the band. He saw his songs as something separate. Which is sad…but I just need to stop being nice. Being nice has got me nowhere accept me getting screwed over and over again. Oh well…maybe I could be nice to the people whom I know won’t anger me…and for the people I grow suspicious of, I’ll be stern. Not an asshole, but stern. I don’t know the difference. Maybe I’ll just be like I am in the journal. Completely honest. If you met me in real life, you wouldn’t even have guessed that I’ve written these. I hold so much back. I wanted to say so much negative angry things to Tyler as he told me he was leaving…but instead I said all these positive things that…let’s be honest…he didn’t need to hear. He needed to hear that he was selfish, but I couldn’t say it.
I think it’s because I used to be honest with John and the more honest I was, the more he hated me. Now I’m not honest with John. I don’t give a damn about how awful he makes me look or will look. He’s playing the guitar parts now. Many wanted the part; almost none wanted to put in the work. The funny thing about guitar players is that they’re the most arrogant, and the least skilled. Both John and Gabriel like to believe that they’re a better guitar player than Chris, but they don’t even come close. Chris was even technically better than Tyler. I think John still wants to believe that he’s a better guitar player than Chris…but he hasn’t really proved it to me yet. Gabe never came close. Gabe had good technique, but nothing he did made any sense…but I guess he just does things for fun now. John does have a chance to be a better guitar player than Chris, but he has to let go of that notion because it’s holding him back. Of course they’re some aspects to where he’s better at Chris…I think he’s better at Jamming with guitar than Chris…but jamming really isn’t anything. If you put on an hour jam session it becomes boring and stale…and people fall asleep.
…but then again, everyone’s doing drugs. (sigh)…people are so stupid….and in circles we go. I want my music to be enjoyed by everyone. That includes people with brains and idiots. It becomes extremely difficult on the drawing board. Let’s go over some stuff for the album. Let’s see the songs we have now.
- Joker (3:10) Josh
- Identity Climax (2:08) Josh
- After the Atomics (4:10) Josh
- Crazy Jump (2:35) Chris
- Outrun (2:21) Caitlin/ Josh
- Careless Raven (3:37) Caitlin
- Can’t Stop Thinking about You (5:15) Josh/Chris
- Intro Song (3:43)
- Buster Punch (4:15) Josh/ Caitlin
- (Collab) (marimba) (9:??) Josh/Caitlin/ Chris
- Your Song (2:??) Caitlin
- I miss You (3:??) Josh
- All the kisses for you (3:??) Josh
All in all I have to get to writing. Bass Mic/Guitar Mic, (direct audio Keyboard thing)
September 6, 2015
Damn it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything? I can’t believe how much time goes by. It’s almost depressing now…it used to be exciting as a kid when time would go by this fast. I’m gloomy today which is why I’m writing in here. I guess to vent about how unfair life is and how nobody likes me. The past few times I felt gloomy I didn’t write for some reason. I guess it’s because I’m lazier…or just too busy, I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Today I kind of had an emotional outbreak….So rehearsals are once a week now…and I guess I’m just now noticing more and more the little subtle hints that people drop to let me know that I’m shit or whatever. This whole fiasco is kind of irritating makes me just want to branch off on my own with my crappy guitar skills and hit the road(that’s the instrument most people care about). Even if I’m crap, I still have a higher chance of getting famous than if I go out with a piano and be “decent”. Well anyway I guess I’ll let you in on the subtle stuff.
I gave Caitlin a lead part on Dance Two of After the Atomics and Anthony knew…but he still put out. “Is she singing the whole part?” It was a question I had already answered, but he still felt the need to ask it in front of everyone. As if you say, “why are you still singing?”. I’ll admit, at first I did just want one singer, but because Tyler didn’t want people singing his songs(cuz everyone wants to be the star), he wouldn’t allow it. It’s too late to go back and change everything for a female voice with my tunes. I thought if I gave her a lead part in some songs that can do it, she’d be used more. You know, thinking selfless even though I shouldn’t be doing that. She could leave the band tomorrow for some odd reason. Anyone can…I’m not mad at her or anything, she’s probably the only one in the band who legitimately compliments me. This is sad, because she’s the newest “friend” I have.
There was some other stuff that was bothering me…I guess Chris is kind of bothering me again. I just feel like he doesn’t really care about “us” and only really cares about “him”. The “me first” mentality is still strong within him. Originally, pre Phoenix Splash would have been so much more successful if he had played his part. He was the “music video guy” and “get gig”, but what then he got tired of it and the last video he made for the and was so lazily edited…it’s disgusting. You could tell he tried his hardest on Hypocrite “his song” and half assed on most of mine. Reclips on jaywalker and Ghost of a midnight driver….then he just stopped…and I had to make videos myself if I wanted Phoenix Splash to stay alive. The thing that saddens me is that we were supposed to be a team. He knew more about gigs and where to play since supposedly he’s done that before and all we got was just one nonpaying gig at a bowling alley. The music videos just stopped and he no longer cared…but his “solo” projects were continuous. That was all he cared about.
I just thought we were supposed to be a team you know? But he, my best friend, also doesn’t care about me…even when I show him a song, it gets a one sentence review. Me and him were supposed to be a team…now I feel like it’s just me…even though he knows more about gigging, it’ll be me doing it…even though he knows more(well I probably do by now) about video editing, I’ll be charge of the videos. He didn’t even change the name of the channel out of his own fucking ego when it started. I should have just put it on my channel, done the gigging myself, and made the videos myself. We’d have a bigger following.
So now every time he mentions a solo project he’s working on or something I just get so mad. Yet I still let him write songs for the band and OF COURSE because life sucks, people always say “his songs are better”. So I get nothing for my hard work. Just being used like always. I’d like to think that maybe life will finally throw me a bone one day and here’s me saying “it will”. Everyone will finally give me the credit I deserve and not just throw me under the bus….but damn….his solo projects(which I played drums for because I’m a tool) kind of anger me now because he could be helping me with videos that help the band(not just him) and helping me with the collab(which I’m just going to write myself ). Instead he only thinks about himself and how to make himself look good. He’ll throw an excuse like “I’m just experimenting with the guitar to help the band” but if he wanted to do that, he’d record John whom is actually going to play on the album now.
…and I know you might be thinking that I shouldn’t be mad because he’s helping me with the album, but this isn’t MY album this is OUR album. This is supposed to be OUR project and OUR dream. The reason it hasn’t been lifted off the ground is the “me first” mentality. It’s so stupid. That’s me venting…now I’m writing a song where Caitlin sings because I’m not thinking about “me first”. I’m also going to write extra simple parts because I’m not thinking about “me first”. I’ll be damned if I have her sit out on any song!
September 10, 2015
I think yesterday made me realize something. Something I’ve mentioned before…but it’s not an understatement like you may think. I’m not making it up either. It’s a real life thing that probably happens to a lot of people. No matter what I do, how I look, or what I say…everyone will hate me. This hate was established when I was a kid…when my brothers blamed everything on me…because I was too young to stand up for myself. That became the norm…so now whenever someone is angry in my house they picture me as an image…I thought that if I had done everything my parents wanted me to do, it would stop…but I guess what’s done cannot be undone. What I need to do now is get my job and move out…getting famous will happen if it’s meant to be…I think the number one goal in my life is to be happy. All I really want to do is get out of that house and leave them for good.
I thought suicide was the answer, but in the end all it would do is benefit the people who hate me and hurt the few that actually love me. Sympathy points for the win…it would give the people I hate excuses to do stupid things they’ve always wanted to do(abuse, drugs, etc.) So now I think the solution is to move out. This won’t hurt anyone…but the people who hate me which is good. I realize that I’m in a predicament where me doing things for people is the norm…
Yesterday, my dad was angry. One of those rare occasions to where he really REALLY explodes. Of course the center of all his hate was me. I witnessed it firsthand. He started going on how “I don’t do anything” and that “Chris is the good one”…he completely forgot that whole day I spent with him cutting trees while Chris complained and left the house. He forgot the fact that I cut the overgrown septic tank while getting eaten by mosquitos….he forgot all of it. The same thing happened with mom when my cousins came over. I was “the bad one” and Chris was the “good one”. She forgotten the fact that I helped her make a 100 in all of her classes. Algebra, by basically taking quizzes first so she could see the questions, and her nursing classes for fixing her papers. She’d just forgotten all of that. Fast forward to now and it’ll all happen all over again.
I like to pretend that I’m a good person for doing all of these things, but I guess I’m not you know? People will just hate me for no reason…just because it’s been established ever since my childhood. I’m the bad one…so now how do I get rid of this predicament? I’m not sure, but when everything dies down I’ll probably go back to helping people…but now I’m going to explain everything to them…on how they will forget the good things I do just for the sake of hurting someone when they’re angry….because hurting others feels good I guess. This will happen for as long as I live there and maybe even longer. Maybe I won’t get those barbeques John always gets when he comes over…maybe I just won’t come over at all.
Now whenever they tell me to do something that’s going to take all day or at least a good few hours. I’m going to do the “evil” thing and ask for money. Now I always felt bad asking for things when I was a kid…and even now…but I figure that Chris and John were not like that and got pretty much whatever they wanted(the highest quality). I usually got the cheapest version of what I wanted. So I think I’ll just ask for ten dollars a session. When I proofread a paper, I’ll be a “tutor” and will be paid as such. When I mow the lawn, I will be paid as such(slave wages). I figure that if they already think of me as “the bad one” then there’s really nothing I can do to change that. No matter how much I put up with them. It’s all said and done. That’s what I’m doing…and I know that I usually don’t do the things I say when it comes to this sort of thing, but this time I’m serious. Sure, sometimes good people get what they deserve, but most of the time the “evil” get more…so I might as well play my part.
Well it seems that I’m stuck here for awhile…because Game Analyzer is uploading…I’m not at ACC right now…I’m tired of being there…also, is seems that they changed the rules just so that I won’t be there anymore. Now, every car has to have a tag…I think that’s what triggered dad to explode…but last week I went and I assumed all the “white spaces” were visitors, but then some signs said they were faculty…and all the “visitors” signs have been removed. I got an email from G(because I’m still on his list for some reason) that ACC has new faculty members that are more strict…they’re not even letting the band park without tags…not only that, but I was just tired of being there seeing that place and realizing the best time I had in “school” over. I miss it.
It was the only time where people actually appreciated what I did and called me out for it. Sure, there were some people “jealous” of what the teachers would say to me…but even they appreciated me and were friendly. It was a nice time you know? Then it was over and I was transferred to a place that made an effort to destroy me and screw me over…and what they did worked and they knew it worked…that was the fucked up part about it…and now? It’s hell. I’m considered very very low…to a point where no matter what I do it’s as if I do nothing. It’s an awful place to be…and now suicidal thoughts are the normal again just like they were in high school. I know Raeleen is on my side…but that’s it. You can argue Anthony too…I can tell he actually cares about me. As for John and Chris, the only reason they’re in my band(which I guess it is now) is because a small part of them realizes that there’s a chance I can actually make it in music…and they dreamt the same thing. They want to “make it” too. If I was shitty at what I did, trust me, you wouldn’t see them.
At least, that’s what life has made me think. I think all my experiences have drove me to a point where I think the world is against me. People naturally have hate towards me…possibly because my normal face is a face of agony. I don’t have that uppity spirit look that people want in another person. I have that look that my dog just died or something. I couldn’t sleep last night…well I thought I slept, but what it ended up being was like a power nap. I slept at 9 and woke at 1. Then I fell asleep again at nine and woke up late. So now here I am waiting for my video to upload. Pretty much I was contemplating the whole “I’m asking for money now”. That includes justifying it and what not. I know that I have to do it. It’s just why? I shouldn’t have to do it. The world shouldn’t be like this…but I guess it’s too late to change the world. I wasn’t born white or black. Those people usually have the opportunities to change the world. I’m just some mutt.
I played a marathon of video games last night, mainly fire emblem. I played a Gameboy game too…hmm…oh it was…dang I can’t remember…oh…it was King of Fighters 95. I played some advance games like F zero and Street fighter 2 as well. I think that made up my “trying to fall asleep” and ‘trying to stay awake because it’s too late to fall now”. Neither worked…I wrote a little story on “swap note” telling myself not to kill myself and the reasons. I guess I did think about suicide last night… maybe I’ll put those pictures in here. They’re a bit disturbing so Raeleen you shouldn’t look at them too long. You might see a side of me you finally won’t like.
That’s right eventually you will read this along with maybe one or two more…you’re probably concerned about me and don’t know how to show it. That’s why you smile…and then I can’t help but smile back no matter how disgusting my smile looks. The times when I’m with you are the only times I’m happy. Even when we text, it’s a small spurt of happiness…but then it goes away for a bit…and the demons come back. I’m reminded of how everyone else views me and how I view myself. Sometimes I can’t even look at myself in a mirror…the only time I do is when I’m getting ready to see you. I look in the mirror and say “someone loves that” and I remind myself again why I shouldn’t kill myself.
I’m constantly doing it now. Everyday I’m reminding myself why I shouldn’t kill myself because if I don’t, the thoughts will take over and I actually might do it. It would start by me breaking up with you and then pushing the rest far away. I’d push you the furthest and make you hate me. Then I would do it…it sounds so self-fish when you think about it. It’s that common misconception that suicide is self-fish…but it really isn’t. It’s just the ultimate escape you know? What’s selfish is hurting people you love just because you’re mad. People putting someone else down to raise your own spirits…those are selfish things. Suicide is basically like moving away…or moving out. Sure people don’t want you to do it, but sometimes you have to. That’s the misconception. You can argue that moving away is “selfish” but people do it all the time and sometimes it’s even encouraged.
That’s the justification I see for it anyway. I’m sure people put it in the selfish category so that people would avoid doing it. Maybe suicidal people are like me who try hard not to hurt anyone but end up doing it anyway….for merely existing. So…I guess while I’m telling myself I shouldn’t kill myself I’m, at the same time, justifying suicide. It’s a more advanced way, but I’m still contemplating it I suppose. It’s just a different way since high school or a few years ago. Damn…I don’t like this wi-fi, that’s for sure. It’s barely at 25 percent…maybe I’ll do something else for a while. This entry will probably be a long one.
Well I guess I never returned to my post. Sorry. Raeleen came and I ended up spending that day with her…it rained…like it normally does on days where I don’t need it to rain…it was nice being there. It’s not that I felt like “I belonged”, but it was a sense of “It’s okay that I’m here”. It’s too bad that place doesn’t have good enough wi fi…how predictable. Raeleen had to make a hot spot for my video to upload…and it eventually finished. Today I was off my game. I didn’t really do much creatively other than hum certain parts of my newest song “I miss you”. I played it a bit on the piano, and I think tomorrow I’ll probably start writing it. I’m trying to find out when it came to me…must’ve been one of those sleepless nights. I thought about the song the more I thought about Grandma. Like those pictures on my 3DS….so the song will probably revolve around that.
I applied for a job…part of me is excited….but at the same time part of me is saying “don’t get too excited your luck hasn’t exactly been all that good lately”. If it falls through, I’ll go with my plan to give private lessons like for real…and probably not get paid much. My dad was much nicer to me today…you know the spiral of the same ol same ol. Get mad at Josh then feel bad about it…rinse and repeat. I tried talking about this cycle to my mom and it made her…angry at me…so I just stopped and figured there’s really no point in arguing. I might as well be trying to convert a Christian to Buddhism. This song I’m humming…it’s pretty nice…like an outro for the album. I wish the band was already famous…I mean I’m a patient person…so I guess it’s going to feel like an eternity for this album to get finished. I’m thinking we could start recording week after next. We’ll all just do Joker and play along to Anthony’s drums. It’ll be the test…then once it all works out, we’ll know what to do and what not to do. Joker should be the first song we record.
With that said…I had a lazy day. Maybe because of the job stuff I just wanted to sit back and relax for some reason. I did study yesterday, but today? No. I guess that’s just the way my mind is working today. I did help mother with her stuff…and no…I didn’t ask for money like I said I would…the exact pattern is happening….you know, the part where I don’t retaliate and just let everyone walk all over me. It’ll probably happen if I get that job too…but the difference will be money…so I guess that all will work out…or at least that’s what I think. It really does feel like the tides are turning.
Oh yeah, a lot of my day was looking up 911 stuff. Surprisingly, facebook wasn’t covered with patriotism. I guess it’s even more taboo now than it’s ever been. The elite. It must be nice to be born in a Rockefeller family you could be whatever you want and do whatever you want. You’re basically free from all the chains that regular people go through. Hell, even if your Will Smith’s family, you get the same treatment. If I were suddenly to be in the elite, the world would change…or maybe I’d die trying to change the world and no one would know I was murdered…A lot of me is convinced that 911 was an inside job, but there’s no absolute proof other that coincidences that seem a bit too coincidental. What do you call that exactly? Is that proof or just foolery? I wish that time would sit still.
I’m tired of it being “week after week” and “month after month”. I wish time would sit still and let me finish everything that I want to be finished…but time keeps going…I guess I better get extreme with stuff. Tomorrow I’ll begin the writing phase for that song(shouldn’t be so hard). I have to work on my game tomorrow as well…oh and study of course. Maybe I needed to recharge my batteries today…especially after the “I hate Josh” party happened…and just for the record I didn’t get any apology…everyone was just nice to me…because they don’t want me to stop doing stuff for them. At least that’s what their actions make me think.
Looks like the tides are finally tuning….into a better radio station.
September 14, 2015
I guess I’ll write in here before my big day. It’s to no surprise that these past few days have been a living nightmare of people telling me what to do and how to do it. It’s filled with people pretending to know my situation better than I do and it’s filled with no one to talk to. Tomorrow is the job interview and I don’t have high hopes. I guess I have medium hopes. I’m just going to try my best and whatever happens happens. These past few days it’s been hard for me to do anything creative. I cried a lot yesterday…Certain people allowed certain things to happen that I didn’t want to happen before this interview. For instance, people reminding me of U of H and how I failed the PTCB exam. I didn’t need that before this interview…but nonetheless it was shoved in my face unintentionally. I guess people around me are just used to getting whatever they want and whenever they want.
Mom put the most effort into John and in that aspect his life turned out perfect. Chris and I were kind of left kicking. My destiny after high school was to just become a pharmacy tech and that was it. I believe mom actually let Chris follow digital graphics first before pushing him into other fields. I had to claw and rebel to get my passion…and then it squashed me in the face. Now…everything is up in the air and everyone wants to see it like everything I’ve been through was nothing…but it’s traumatic. They don’t understand this time…I think they get a kick out of letting me know what I haven’t experienced yet. “Oh when you’re on your own” or “you haven’t lost anyone”. They love to lecture me on how easy it is for me and how hard it was for them. If it were easy for me then I wouldn’t be going through this fucking phase.
…but they don’t see it like that and they never will. That’s the nature of the beast. Still…I’m going to go in there…with my head up high and give it my all like I always do. None of it will matter when everything is all set and done. Hopefully following my dreams with the band will pay off. Weeks go by pretty fast these days. In a blink of an eye I’ll be thinking “the interview already happened”.
September 16th 2015
Well that’s the end of that. Rejected…as expected…too expected. I feel like it’s elementary school again and that one bully kept taking my pencil and showing me what he did. It got to a point where it didn’t even bother me anymore because I already knew he was going to take it…and he did and I always had extra pencils. I will admit I did feel pretty sour, but it wasn’t as bad as the days previous before…but perhaps it should have been. I think I’m already used to the way reality treats me now. It’s harder for me to get things that other people can get easier. I don’t know who thought that this would be any different. I probably shouldn’t have applied in the first place and just kept up my studying. Instead I listened to the pipe dream that this job is a dream and I wouldn’t even have to study to be a pharmacy tech. Maybe some of me believed I would get the job and some kind of sunshine would light this darkness that I’m surrounded by…but no…the darkness continues and the tides remain the same…
I still need to be saved.
I wish things were better for me…I really do. I wish people would stop demonizing me. I remember when everyone got mad at me for a second time John stated “I put off things” and I asked him “what exactly do I put off?” he couldn’t really find that certain thing. The thing is that I don’t put off anything, and I always try my hardest…however, my luck is pretty shitty so often times it doesn’t really matter how hard I put myself into something…someone always has the power over what I do…and as long as that exist, then I’m screwed.
Just got done working on “I miss you”. It’s good to focus on what makes me feel good and writing music makes me feel good. Come to think of it, it isn’t music’s fault that I get depressed or anything, it’s the people who pretend to own it. Whether it be a record producer or a college professor…they pretty much are hand in hand…I just have to find out a way to kick ass at music. Phoenix Splash Band will be perfect…maybe all of these failures are just a sign for me to get famous with my band. Maybe “God” doesn’t want me to get distracted with Costco or Music school. Ha…maybe…
September 19, 2015
Looks like it’s two dogs in one year. Burying two dogs I mean…first Hank and now Rock died. I’m not entirely sad that Rock died. I feel like it’s reality throwing crap at me again, trying to break me down like it did before. I’m starting to wonder how it is I’m sane and how it is I haven’t complete broken as an individual. Me being broken down would equal me doing drugs all day and taking advantage of people I love and then screwing them over. I feel like someone or something with higher power wants me to fall under the category as some delinquent either that or Rock Star. I don’t know for sure.
One thing I do know is that it’s been really buggy around since Rock died. It’s like they were all living off of him and now that he’s dead they’re angry. At least that’s how I’m running it in my head. That’s another thing. Rock is dead and I guess I’m not torn up about it as much as I was with Hank. Maybe it was the way Rock would bark at Sunny and Hank whenever he wanted all of the attention. Maybe it was the fact that he kicked Sunny off of the patio so that only he could sleep there. Sunny ended up dying on the drive way while Rock got to die in the comfortable patio…plus he lived longer than both of them. I’ll admit that Rock reminded me of people who hated me.
On his last day he seemed to make himself more apparent to me than he usually did. His last day was probably the most time we paid attention to him in a long time. It was a Thursday and I had just finished uploading a Game Analyzer. When I came home, there was a stray dog whom I’ve never seen before just hanging around Rock. They were both at Hank’s grave. I talk to my dogs often so I asked Rock “who is this guy?”. Rock gave me a look that said “He’s a friend”. It appeared that they were both paying their respects to Hank. Rock usually barks at any animal that comes into our yard, but this small shaggy dog was an exception. Rock and I followed the little shaggy dog around. Shaggy was clumsy and would bump into walls while Rock and I were amused…or at least I was. Our fun ended abruptly when Shaggy suddenly stormed off out of the gate and to the house across the street. He had a collar so he wasn’t a stray. I went inside while Rock seemed to walk back towards Hank’s grave. Anthony then came over and we talked about things and brainstormed song ideas. I needed someone to talk to that day because I was getting torn up about not getting the job at Costco.
The last time I saw Rock was when I was giving him water. He didn’t seem to get up to drink it…as if he had trouble moving…but he was moving earlier in the day. Mom gave him that left over steak and some cheese. I jogged for a good our and he seemed fine afterwards. Chris came home late and found Rock was dead. Just dead as if he just decided to die.
Mom mentioned he was laying at the old Scoot’s grave and Chris mentioned he saw Rock sitting at Sonny’s grave. I saw him at Hank’s grave. I’m sure he knew what death was. He witnessed all of them being buried. With Hank he saw everything. He saw Hank completely messed up and missing a jaw. Then he saw us lift him to the truck and take him to the vet. Rock then saw us come back with Hank’s body. Then he watched us bury him. He saw someone who used to move around lay completely still.
When Rock died, it was a bit too late for us to bury him. Even so, we could have used a car’s bright lights to bury him…but Dad seemed to just not want to do it. In fact, it seemed like no one wanted to bury Rock. That bugged me…so I told Chris that we’d wake up early and bury him ourselves. Dad wanted us to wait for him to get home to bury him, but I wasn’t having that. Chris and I did just that. Rock smelled pretty bad by then and he was stiff. His body all clumped together because we’d stuck him in a wheel barrow overnight. He always seemed uncomfortable throughout his life ever since he got ran over…I wish he would’ve looked comfortable while he laid there on those blankets.
Rock’s dead now…and I guess I don’t really talk about him in the journals…but he’s been around ever since I was in middleschool. I always attached myself to Hank and talked to Hank more…but many of the times Rock was there to listening to what I had to say…Ah…now I’m sad. They were always both happy to see me, and after Hank died I pretty much neglected Rock and would only pay attention to him when I fed him or gave him water. I remember just after U of H screwed me, I would go outside and study with them…talking to them more. It was like the time I used to come home early before high school. I used to come home before everyone else and just hang outside with Rock Hank and Sunny. Sometimes I’d talk to Hank and play guitar while the three of them would often listen.
It was sad. Rock seemed like he was ready to go though. I guess if I were in his shoes, I’d feel alone too after Hank. They had each other, and even though they would fight, they’d go on adventures with each other sometimes. Now that Hank was gone Rock was usually always by himself. It’s seemed lonely…but like I said before, Rock reminded me of the people who hate me…so often I would find it hard to sympathize with him. Now that they’re all gone I guess I can’t relive those times where I was home alone for a brief hour with the three of them.
Before Hank died, I was talking to him more often than before. I just remembered now that I even cried to him about U of H. Rock was there too. When I lost Justine and Grandma I talked to them too. They were always there to never judge me and to just be happy to see me. It didn’t matter if I were right or wrong. Days after I opened up to Hank again, he came home all fucked up…I still remember that look he gave me as if to say “don’t cry” trying to get up and comfort me. Then he got put to sleep. He didn’t realize that he was the reason I was crying. I remember yelling at Rock that day because I thought Rock did that to him…but it would be impossible. I don’t think I even mentioned that detail…I didn’t mention a lot of details about Hank’s death…because It really tore me apart…
After we buried Hank I remember sitting in front of it with Rock next to me crying…man I’ve cried so much these past few months and now it seems like the tears just never stop coming. I keep telling myself that I’m alright and that not getting the job is “okay” and that losing Rock “eh…it’s okay it was his time to go”…but I’m not alright. I’m worse than I’ve ever been. I think about suicide constantly…while I’m eating, while I’m running, and while I’m even playing with my band. I even write about it constantly.
I miss Grandma, I miss Rock, I miss Hank, I miss Sunny, I miss being happy, I miss gratitude, I miss being respected, I miss…it all. Why is everything disappearing? Why aren’t the tides turning?
Man…it’s already the 21st…so much time has passed without me sticking to my study schedule all to meet the demands of others that usually turn up to nothing. Sometimes I’m too nice. I always seem to put studying on the back burner…but these next few days are going to be brutal…I’m going to have to figure out how exactly I’m going to finish flashing the book by the end of September. Tomorrow, my mother wants me to spend the whole day helping her with her paper…so I’m already set back another day…and in the future she’ll pretend it never happened…surprise, surprise. That’s why I’m going to get a keyboard amp out of it…I can’t ask for money, so I might as well ask for a ride to guitar center and get myself that keyboard amp I’ve always wanted. Not to mention I’m still doing Game Analyzer and all that jazz. I have to go and give another free lesson and probably plan to give out paying lessons in the near future. I mean I have to make money somehow…I can’t get turned down for doing lessons because I’ll be my own boss. Who knows? Maybe there’s a ladder in all of it…
You know, I don’t like to take pictures. I don’t like to be videotaped either…I think I share the same feeling towards myself that everyone else might feel. Whenever I see myself, I get mad. I’ve had this problem for a while now…and I think you’ve probably heard it quite often now. I just often see people who are so “depressed” take so many pictures of themselves.
October 8, 2015
Hello…I suppose it has been awhile. I haven’t been well in between the last post and now. Maybe the worst was yesterday when I was actually going through the thought process of breaking up with Raeleen, putting my music archive on Youtube and then killing myself. This time it was strange. I wasn’t conjuring how I was going to die, but I was just making decisions as if it were a project I was planning. Like making my game or my music…it was just another project that I had to get done. I actually started my music archive. I don’t know if it’s the suicidal thoughts of mine taking it’s effects or the fact that putting an archive on Youtube would be cool…the archive will be there though. I don’t know much of anything right now…but what I honestly want right now is for Raeleen to stop reading this.
The fact is that no one can really help me right now unless they had all the answers to my questions. Why did this happen? Why did that happen to me? Why won’t this happen? Why won’t that happen? Why? Why? Why? No one can answer that. You might say go to God, but that’s ridiculous. I remember I used to pray when I was a kid. Every time I did it was for a selfish reason. I remember I used to pray not to have nightmares all the time. They came anyway. I wish God were someone you could just talk to and he would just talk back, but that shit doesn’t happen. Or at least to me anyway….there’s some people who claim God talks to them. This particular person always advertises on Facebook and stuff that he hears God’s voice and it tells him what to do. In real life he would make fun of one of my friends about her weight. Wow. I guess God told him to make fun of fat people…but that’s not the case. The truth is that God doesn’t talk to him. He uses God to get what he wants. If you believe in God it makes people like you no matter what kind of shithead you are. He’s just like I was. Bask when I believed in God I used him for selfish reasons. It was always “protect me” “help me” “save me”…but I guess that’s what the majority of his believers do in the heat of the moment.
Now I’m not going to get all sciencey on how God doesn’t exist because when it comes to that kind of thing it be easy to conclude that if God did exist it would be beyond our understanding. We all want someone with the answers, but no one has them. It feels reassuring that someone or something might be there with all of the answers waiting to answer them after we die. If that were true then I have a lot of questions for him. He’s made a messed up reality where the rich and evil prosper and the kind and poor just fail over and over again. I’d like to think I’m kind…but no one would believe me. Maybe if I keep saying that I’m a kind person then people will believe it. That’s how it works right? I can’t even complement myself outloud. I’m always angry at myself no matter what it is. I was playing piano and realizing how awful I am and if I were outside of my body watching myself try to play everything perfectly and then always miss one note, I might laugh at that poor fucker trying to be something he’s not. I’m nothing. I think that’s the moral of all my failures. Maybe I just have to accept that I am nothing and that that’s all there is to it.
I don’t fit in with anything, and I don’t belong here. I’m just holding back everyone and that includes Raeleen. I guess she’ll probably never stop loving me which makes suicide pretty difficult. I love her too. That’s what always holds everything back. If she weren’t there it would probably already be over. I couldn’t believe yesterday I was going over the scenario on “how I would break up with her”. I was thinking I should make her hate me or something. Which may or may not be all that hard…I’ve had her mad at me before for less things in the past. She claims she’s not that person anymore, but it’s impossible to fully understand all of that.
I’m okay now though, I’m not doing all of that. Yesterday hit me pretty bad though. Today isn’t really all that good either. The day just went by so fast and people keep canceling and changing stuff around to further add stress to myself. I have no choice but to sleep late and wake up early…because I can’t even go to the school to upload Game Analyzer. I have to do it here when the internet is infinite which is at 2:00 am. At least I’m hoping it’s infinite. There’s really no indication, but it would always be rocking whenever it was 2:00 am and we supposedly ran out of width. I don’t really know what’s going to happen to my way of thinking, but it seems like everything is getting much much worse in my head. Maybe it’ll pass…but then it’ll come back.
October 17, 2015
The past few days have been nothing but positivity. That’s right, October the 14th has happened and it went better than I had anticipated. I thought this birthday would totally depress me but it didn’t which was really good. I’m 23 now. It’s funny…I actually thought I was turning 24. Who knows how things are going to turn out for me these next few months/years. I sure don’t. I think this year my close friends have multiplied. When compared to last year and even the year before it was kind of dim. Raeleen has always been there so I wouldn’t feel completely alone. I don’t know what I would have done without her those years. I haven’t really been writing in here because I’ve been taking out my thoughts on the “Josh DeL Music archives”. It’s been a trip down memory lane lately where I remember what each song connects to. They really do connect to things that have happened to me. Even the songs I write now…well especially the songs I write now. Depression is a strong force, but I think it has been dormant as of late. Thank goodness.
My friends took me out to eat and by friends I mean “Anthony, Caitlin, and Chris”. Raeleen was with me and I got to meet Chris’s new girl whom was pretty cool. It was a perfect evening that I’ll probably get a song out of soon. I gotta do something nice in return too because that’s just how I’ll work. I got a tattoo, a sticker and bottomless fries. Caitlin even battled sickness to come to it so I felt pretty important. It was cool to see everyone and Raeleen there. They’re pretty important to me and latterly are the opposing force against these scary suicidal thoughts of mine. I remember seeing Raeleen in the bookstore. First we were in opposite isles and then we found each other like some kind of romantic comedy. I was just thinking back to all of the years we’ve been together. We’re really soul mates….like really. Anthony likes to talk so there was not a quiet moment within the group even though Miranda and Raeleen never met the Anthony and Caitlin. It was pretty sweet. Just a group of people I could be myself around and not have to double think everything I do. It felt good…the food was awesome.
John didn’t go, but I assumed he was pretty busy this whole week…plus Nicole had his phone. John gave me the best thing he could have given me…his hand at the guitar. He practiced the song, and I could tell. So now we’re finally ahead of where we were with Tyler…well minus Tyler’s songs. This is where the new songs will kick in. Their simple like Tyler’s and the guitar will have a lot of input (guitar solo is free). That’s how that’ll work. There were a lot of mistakes I’ll chew out later as a unit…but as of now we’re ready to move on from the core songs and onto the new ones. We rehearsed today and it was pretty nice. The weather…everything about today was nice. Caitlin was still battling her sickness, but it was okay due to the fact that we needed to focus on John primarily this rehearsal.
I got a new Swamp Thing comic from Raeleen in which I haven’t read yet…it’s about his daughter…so I’m pretty stoked to read it. I like when she’s over. I just forget about everything in the world for a moment and feel happy. I think when we live together my depression might just have to move out because it never hits when she’s there…so far at least. Even when I was mad at something before she came one time, it went away when she visited. She’s amazing.
I’ve always had trouble falling asleep. This was horrible during school and college…I still have a lot of trouble falling asleep until this day. This was I think the first song I wrote about wanting to sleep. In this song I blamed myself being tired for me not getting the girl. I was always tired in middle school which damaged my first relationship. I would often sleep instead of engaging conversation with my first girlfriend. I made sure whenever I was with this girl I liked, I wouldn’t put my head down and sleep. If I remember correctly that happened a few times…and one time she slept on my head. I still got the nickname “sleepyhead” from her eventually…so I think she just eventually accepted the idea that I was always asleep.
It sounds like my oldest brother played guitar on this song. It actually sounds okay recording wise. Of course my mixing skill was pretty bad back then. I don’t remember if I actually wrote this song or I just played it out. All of my written music from back then is gone from my old computer.
I think this is when me and her were getting very…close. She was being put in awkward positions where all of a sudden people started to like her. I wasn’t sure what was going through her head…but we got into a dilemma of some sorts…even though we weren’t “together” she said something like “we’d get to know each other” or something along that line. On top of that, none of her friends wanted me and her together. It just “made sense” for her to be with the other guy. Many of them tried to pressure me to walk away. When it seemed like she was giving the other guy a chance to say his peace, I kind of exploded and said something like “I thought we liked each other” or something.
There’s mistakes in this song…I guess I just didn’t care back then…or rushed…I don’t remember in this one.
I picked Jin and Xiayou again. I put the picture where he “hurts” her…physically. I felt bad for exploding and was like Jin saying “Oh damn”…I hurt her.
October 19, 2015
I figured I might as well put some stuff from my music archive in here seeing as though I am online now…and sometimes writing in it does what the journal does for me any way. Today I got sick, but it feels like I’m getting better…maybe…I’m probably not going to upload another music archive today which is probably why I’m writing in here today. I wrote a lot of music today which was great. I’m going to try to get back into the scheme of things…making my game, studying and writing music. It’s not that I haven’t been doing those things, but I find myself scratching for opportunities to do so. I didn’t practice today though. Even though today feels successful, I did sleep most of the day due to the sickness…then I took those red pills that I always take.
I wrote some Buster Punch music today because it really needed some new music. It’s good to warm up my composition decisions with those Buster Punch songs. I think that’s why I’ve been getting stumped on the Phoenix Splash music. So I’ll start doing that now…plus if I do that, more Buster Punch music gets written so all is good. I wrote the theme to Buster Punch’s wife Whitney. It sounds exactly like her playful spirit which hopefully the player will fully endure in this chapter. I didn’t want her to be “just the character who dies”. Why not give her a personality? I started thinking that I made her “too interesting” but there’s no such thing as that so she is what she is.
Well I should probably get some sleep because I’m probably still sick…I heard rest is good for sick people like me.
Me and you to the Moon
What can I say about this song? This must’ve happened after my recording equipment “killed” my old computer. I was trying to find new ways to record. I didn’t want to rely on my other brother to always be recording music so I experimented with cassettes…as you can hear it didn’t go well. This is probably my worst song quality wise, but I put in on here because it has its charm to it. It’s just an innocent love song for that girl about taking her to the moon. It probably has some influence from stellar by Incubus.
This song was improvised, but I remember writing out the lyrics. I also remember trying to make a music video to it, but I didn’t like how it was going…or something happened to make us give up on it…probably the quality of the song…man I’m glad those days are over.
October 26, 2015
I’ve been pretty sick these past few days. I actually still have a cough, but I’m finally good enough to move around at least. Now it’s time to get back on track. I might have to take the PTCB exam in January or December because I don’t know if I’ll be ready within the next 6 days. The next time I take the test I want to be sure I pass it…which is a possibility now. I’m pretty sure I have all the material I need. So that’s happening soon. The Game Analyzer show is also going pretty good. I might actually do my first collaboration which will be pretty cool. It’s a big deal guy so I’m sure it’ll turn a lot of heads. A Shenmue 500k administrator and probably the most famous one….so that show is going pretty well…I should probably keep making them interesting while I still can because that show is turning heads over and getting subscribers…real subscribers.
That’s pretty much all that happened last week other than Steve’s concert…but I’ll talk about that later on tonight. I just have so much to do today and I don’t know if I’m even going to finish…just thought I’d keep this thing updated and let you know that I’m alive.
November 23, 2015
Almost a month…that’s a new one. This marks the entry to where I stop posting it online…I guess it was a little experiment to see if people cared…it turns out it’s just like my music…no one really cares. I haven’t been happy lately…but I guess some weeks I am happy. At this time I’m not very happy. It’s hard to be happy…but I guess I have to progress in this life. We got new dogs. They’re puppies right now. Sunny and Baby…we named them after two of our former dead dogs…now it’s like they never existed. I guess that’s what people do. They just find replacements for the dead. Maybe that’s what they’ll do for me…if I decide to kill myself. Oh…it’s up in the air now. Which is another reason I’m deciding not to post these entries anymore. If I decided that I wanted to kill myself and someone found out, that would cause conflicts. If I wanted a cry for help then maybe it would be best to post these…but that’s not the case. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to help me. Suicide…
I thought about cutting myself all day. I even looked up where people cut on their bodies…for some reason I feel like it would help…but then I got side tracked. I felt happy for a little bit, but then it went away. That collaboration never happened…The Game Analyzer is dying…but I’m going to try to keep it up…even if I talk about video games less…but I kind of don’t care about Game Analyzer right now. I don’t know…I’m probably going to start writing again in here quite frequently…because I’m not sure when I’m going to kill myself…or what will put me over the edge. The album is definitely going to be finished though and we’ll probably play a few shows before I do finally kill myself. Maybe some final words from Game Analyzer and some final experimental songs…the “Collab” will basically be my suicide note…to be honest, I always had it in the back of my head that the song would revolve around suicide. I want it to be the best song I’ve ever written for me…I don’t care if it’s catchy to the public. It’s a song for me. Whether or not suicide happens after that is beyond what I can see.
In the back of my mind all of these things are setting in place. As for Raeleen and everyone who’s loved me…they’ll move on and replace me…the only one I’m worried about is Chris, I think he’d take it the hardest…but I might finally give him that sad story he always wanted to be associated with…and to you reading…if I’m dead…and you cared enough to read this far, then I’m sure you found this out of boredom…I’m sorry, but I had to get out of all of it…but that’s down the line. I’m not going to kill myself anytime soon. Maybe by the time I’m 25…that’s probably when all of this stuff will be set in place. The album will be what it is and Phoenix Splash will be what it is. Unless all my unreachable dreams come true, there’s really no point of me living. I’m subconsciously making these decisions even when I’m happy. That’s the strange thing…I think it’s meant to happen. It’s supposed to happen.
November 25, 2015
People do whatever they want. I think that’s the case with most people. Most people will do whatever it is to satisfy themselves even if it means squashing others. People say that empathy strays us away from the animals, but in actuality not many people have empathy. Everyone is in it for themselves and their families. That’s what’s written in our DNA anyway…but how do I become an elite? What is it I have to do? Well it may be a combination of things…but mainly money. I’m not exactly sure. It’s thanksgiving today…a pretty stupid holiday I think, especially if you have any Native American in you. You see the TV make Indian jokes more often than ever this time of year. It exposes their racist tendencies that they hold off on blacks and other minorities. They don’t make me angry…but they do make me cringe. There’s nothing funny about them.
I got a long text today from Caitlin praising the hell out of me which made me feel really good. I noticed that she often does that to me more comfortably than the other members of the band. Maybe it’s because she’s a female…males often have to be in competition with each other and so forth…so I guess it’s easier for her to complement me. If I were a female, the males would be more inclined to complement me more. I guess that’s just the way that is. I find myself not complementing many women though…so maybe not. Nonetheless it does make me feel good. Not many heartfelt texts come through like that without an ulterior motive.
That reminds me, Anthony had a birthday party about two days ago…it was pretty surreal. I don’t go to many parties with friends and there I could tell that everyone was easy going. I think one guy didn’t like me though. There was some distain in that guy towards me…but it was one of those things that nobody acts on. He just hated me with his eyes. Everyone else was cool with me I believe…the place was pretty fancy. I saw where Caitlin worked…I’d keep that job too. I guess girls can get jobs like that. I can’t see a male doing those kinds of things…people would ask too many questions(she babysits). It was pretty nice. Anthony and Caitlin are probably my only friends outside of Raeleen and my family. Everyone has just kind of gone away. Dan, Kaylee, Amanda, Moe, Tyler, Tyler…hell even G has probably forgotten who I was by now.
I was looking through my facebook timeline and saw some old posts from people. There was even one from Justine, no doubt still trying to be friends with me after our whole fiasco. It was pretty crazy. So many faded friends….from ACC and High school. Carolyn, Nai, Joe, Harly…the list goes on. Anthony didn’t fade away though, and he’s about the closest thing I’ve had to a best friend…you know, outside the family. I was always raised to believe that family will always be there and all friends fade away. I never tried to live by that principle, but it seemed to happen to me anyway. All my friends I usually made would move or something….but now it seems like everyone’s here. Hopefully they stay forever…it’s so few though. Maybe I need to go to a club…nah…
November 29, 2015
So many days pass me by. I wonder why? I think I’m tired because I keep having all of these funny thoughts lately…or today…not exactly lately. I wish I was famous already, but that takes time and commitment and hope…lots and lots of hope. I have to work harder than most people at this whereas Gene Simmion’s son could practically be whatever he wants to be. That’s just the way that kind of world works I suppose. I kind of did a little experiment on Facebook to where I talk about music and how I’m composing. It actually generates likes rather than the music itself which is pretty weird…so I think I’ll keep doing that. I won’t go too much into detail on the music, but I will spit out some “While I was writing” and pictures and whatnot. I guess people these days eat up hope and pictures. I even got an old friend saying “where’s the music?” That’s pretty cool. I guess I don’t need to be like that Adam guy and talk about politics…because in his own words, “I’m not a politician”.
There’s this dude named Adam something who’s a musician who friended me on Facebook. I’m not entirely sure why…I think I posted a pro-gay marriage thing. He posted that people who aren’t experts in what they’re talking about shouldn’t be talking about it…they have to go to school for it no matter what. By that logic, anyone who hasn’t been to music school shouldn’t be doing music…of course I don’t agree with that. I found out there’s an African Doctor who can cure AIDS and Cancer who’s never even been to any type of school. I guess the medical field thinks like Adam because they shun that guy and call him a fraud…even though he proved with 77 patients that he cured. That’s life you know everyone thinks they’re an expert on everything…but I’d rather show it than pretend I know what I’m talking about with politics. I’m not entirely sure about the whole thing…but the thing is…nobody really is. We don’t know what goes on beyond closed doors and we never will because we aren’t the elite…we weren’t born into that kind of thing. Is it unfair? Of course. If I were born into the right family, I’d already have a few hits out there…but I gotta work with what I’m given and focus on my end goal. In a way it’ll make me stronger…hopefully.
I feel kind of sick today. This morning, my dad was crying because he thought that my mom wrecked on the way home and died. He cried out my name, so I was pretty frightened. I also didn’t get much sleep the night before…because that’s how things have been working out for me lately. My mom didn’t die though. It was just like the news said “A girl in her mid 20s”. It was still scary though…but I somehow knew from the start that nothing had happened and everything was okay. The rest of the day was Wal Mart….and nap…and then I wrote Game Analyzer.
December 12, 2015
Sometimes I think the band can be sometimes delusional. We recorded drums last night and even in my head I had the false impression that Anthony was the perfect drummer. It wasn’t until we recorded did I see his many flaws. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but I think deep down I thought he was actually better than me. I think deep down we were all starting to believe that…but I think I see the reason Icky Hollow removed him. I’ve been trying to pin point why, but I hadn’t figured it out till now. Anthony, like hundreds of other drummers has timing issues. Now his tempo is really good, but when it comes to a consistent beat…that’s where the problem lies…at least that’s what I heard. It took us about 10 hours to get two takes of each song and I could feel his self-esteem lower with each mistake he’d make. It got so bad that he threw out a “even if we don’t get big”. Maybe I’m just being too picky. I haven’t exactly matched his drums with the click tracks yet…but we both heard timing issues. That’s why I made him do two takes. I’ll match the takes up in synch and then match them up with a MIDI version of the song. For each timing issue that occurs, I’m hoping that the second take won’t have. So, I’ll mix them up. I don’t know if Anthony will like that I’m doing that, but he seemed okay with it when I mentioned my plan. After all, it isn’t fair to him that the rest of us have multiple takes to do solos and what not.
There are some things that we’ll have to record again I’m sure of it. Joker’s fill I’m thinking might change entirely because he can’t ever get it right and we’ve been playing it for a year now. Other than that I guess we’ll have to wait and see now.
December 17, 2015
I guess I should make an update. Nothing is exactly wrong, but I’m just a little stressed I suppose. For some reason I’m in my head thinking “this is it” when it isn’t, we still have a bit more songs to record before we all go out. This needs to be the best music we can make you know? These need to be the best recordings I can take. I think I feel fear. That’s what anyone would feel really though. After all, I put my heart and soul into music school and it back stabbed me. With this I’m creating my own rules…or so I think. What if this crumbles too and something happens to destroy it? I don’t let it. That’s what needs to happen. We still have four more songs though and one isn’t even finished writing yet. I feel like I need to let the “collab” sit. It’s all in my head right now just forming out of clay. I won’t start transcribing it until it’s all finished. This is my life. Creating music and making it sound as best as possible. I need to tell people that it’s different from anything they’ve ever heard before. I need to tell people that it’s the best music out there even if it isn’t. Okay maybe I shouldn’t seem narssacistic…but I need to believe that it’s the best music out there. These songs are something different mixed with something familiar.
Hopefully it gives people chills…hopefully the music is good enough to get over. I hope the music is so good that it doesn’t need to be advertised…not that I won’t advertise it…but if it is advertised and is good enough not be advertised, then it’ll be successful…and then all of us can live out our dreams. John doesn’t need to be stuck in his loop of working and taking care of a dog, he wanted to be a guitar player, he wanted to go to New York and join a band…I’m not sure how that band did, but his patience will pay off. This will work out for him. Chris doesn’t need to be teaching student’s math. He’s a bass player, he’s a composer like me. That’s his role in life. That’s why he quit his job, he knew he wasn’t supposed to be doing that. Anthony needs to prove to the world that he is a drummer after the world wants to tell him over and over that he isn’t. We all have a lot of people to prove wrong. Me…I have an army of people who want me to be the lowest of life and who already think low of me. That includes people I even love. They see no future for me…but this is my future. This is my life. It seems impossible, I know…but we can do it. We are all meant to do this…from the moment we picked up our instruments we all knew what we wanted to do.
As for Caitlin, I don’t know enough about her, but just by playing music with her I can tell she probably has a similar story to ours. Her skill alone tells me that this is her role in life. We are all complete puzzle pieces waiting to be put together. Maybe a higher power forced U of H to do all that crazy stuff to me. During ACC, all I cared about was getting better. That’s it. Whenever I thought to think about my role in life, I just practiced…sometimes for even a full day. When U of H screwed me over, all I wanted to do was practice…I wanted my key to the practice room…they wouldn’t let me have it. All the percussionist shared 2 practice rooms and I waited for what seemed like an eternity to step in…and once I did, I felt like I had to hurry because others were waiting for their turn…I wanted my piano key, because those rooms seemed empty…but they wouldn’t give me it. They finally processed my order two weeks after I dropped out. I remember all of it. When I couldn’t practice and was left to think about what was happening to me. It was scary…for the first time, the whole system scared me. I saw my future…repeating two years just because they collided my music theory test and my audition. Even after my degree what would be of me? Teaching music to a bunch of people who don’t care to learn it? Teaching music theory in a very specific way even though it’s all the same ideas?
In all honesty, if I would’ve gotten my practice key and was allowed to practice as much as I wanted without any obstacles, I would’ve stayed at U of H. The funny thing is, I’m sure that kind of thing didn’t happen all the time. I’d like to think it’s a higher power telling me to “STOP, you need to go back and do what you were meant to do in this life because now, you’re ready”. Hopefully that’s what’s happening…hopefully it all isn’t just coincidental. Nah…it’s a higher power. It has to be.
January 2, 2016
Wow…so it’s been awhile….I guess I’ve been pretty busy with the album and studying of course(that never seems to end. I haven’t had much time for much of anything, but manage to make time when it involves another person. Usually this journal suffers the most when that kind of thing happens. Christmas is already over and a new year is here. I can’t say it made me feel happy. It was actually quite depressing to be honest. I remember this time last year. I was so carefree. One day, Chris and I actually played video games for a whole day. That was awesome. I wish I was that carefree again…maybe one day I’ll just let it all go for a day and take a “day off”. Usually my “days off” involve me going somewhere with dogs or helping my mom with her homework for a full day. I’m not going to lie…I miss the false security that college gave me. I remember the carefree days where Chris and I would just play toys like nothing else mattered. That’s what high school band did to me. It made me freak out when I had free time.
I remember back when I was taking tech classes, I actually spent almost a whole day dealing with an internet troll…it was crazy, I actually tried to figure out how to hack just to scare the person, then I realized my life was going in one direction and the carefree days were almost over. Mom kept saying “you won’t have time for your music” and that pissed me off more than anything. She kept saying it along with the “don’t encourage him” and all that other stuff. I’ll remember that when I make it. I’ll remember that she said all of that stuff…and do nothing about it…maybe it’ll leak out in an interview or something…she’ll probably forget or pretend to forget that she said such things.
I actually played Shenmue again for Christmas. That was surprising. It seems to be the only game I play…which isn’t good for Game Analyzer…oh yeah, that’s still going. I’ve made friends doing that…it’s pretty nice even though it isn’t huge like I wanted it to be. Nothing is huge yet as a matter of fact…but the band will be something spectacular. There’s no denying that. I did a little mix of After the Atomics and it sounded beautiful…editing is so scary though and stressful. It’s a shame people just think it’s a joke.
I’ve decided that if I fail the test one more time, then I’m just going to get a job…no matter what or where it is. Maybe I’ll keep studying for it, maybe I’m just not smart enough for it…but I’m getting a job after I take the test again and that’s that. I don’t care if it’s Wal Mart, I’ll work anywhere at this point. Maybe if someone sees that I’m not a lazy person, they’ll give me a chance(pssh when has that ever worked out for me). I’ll get money though…that’s the important thing. Money…I have money, but I want an income of some sort and put it all in the band…I have 4,000 dollars right now and the things I’m going to buy are pretty expensive so I don’t know if it’ll last. I might have to add “fix guitar head” for when we play live….and “fix guitar bridge” for when we also…play live. Top that with Keyboard amp and possibly a mixer and we’re all set to make something beautiful. Thank goodness there’s still songs left on the album that will take some time to do…unless everyone steps up their game…which I hope will happen…in fact, I’m going to implement it. John is coming Sunday to record some guitar…I’m hoping he could stay late so we can drill as much songs as possible.
We’re all in this together. It’s up to me to make all of our dreams come true.
January 3, 2016
I don’t understand what it is about people. I never understand people…or more like I do, but don’t like the reality of the whole thing. John’s late so I thought I’d write in here. Ever since he joined I can totally see how little respect he has for me. He’s always had that. He’s always felt that he was just “better” than me…a better person even when I was a little kid. He always felt that everything he did was superior to anything I ever did…and maybe it’s true in many categories. With this though, he has a hard time meeting what I want. He’d rather put his stuff 100% first and anything having to do with the band last. It makes me wonder why he said “okay” in the first place. Maybe it was a little burst that he had that said he wanted to live out his dream. He has those bursts sometimes.
Often times he’ll get motivated to create something, but then just drop the idea all together. Most of the time, it’s been a web comic or some short story. I can see he’s losing interest in this too. The difference is that more people are involved with this. If he was 100% selfish, he’d be like Tyler and just quit the band(and pretend we kicked him out so we can feel bad about ourselves)…but he’s just probably like 80% selfish(which, let’s face it most people are). I don’t know what’s eventually going to play out…but I have to stop thinking like a dreamer and start facing reality. I don’t think he’s in this for the long run. This is just a burst to him and he’ll lose interest in this much like he lost interest in all of his other ventures.
I guess I’ll see what plays out today. I wish we had a guitar player that was really good and motivated. That would be pretty cool. I guess it’s hard to find those people. Most guitar players stop practicing once they’re able to produce some kind of sound. Then the superiority complex enters in and he thinks that he’s the main guy…of curse this is all when we’re children. Then, the guitar player stops practicing. That didn’t happen with John because Chris challenged him. So John started practicing again…then Chris picked up the bass and John kind of stopped there. Of course now, he’s picked up where he left off. I mean you kind of have to up your game if you want to play any of these parts. This isn’t just some garage band that puts four chords together and calls it a day. This is a real band with real music.
To be honest, I always feel like something’s wrong with John. Not in his playing, but mentally, as if being with that dog is taking its toll on him. It’s always him watching it, even though Nicole wanted it. Ha…Nicole, I’m starting not to like her very much. When we talked about John in the band she kind of had this hatred about it…saying “yeah, he’s temporary” as if she controlled his life. She gets to go wherever and live out her stupid photography dream while John stays with the dog…I find it stupid.
January 4, 2016
John reordered yesterday. We mainly fixed a pretty big issue that was going on. The tuning. At first, I thought his bridge may have been bent or something. I didn’t quite know how severe it was until I heard some of the recordings. Sometimes certain chords would go out of tune while other times those same chords wouldn’t. I didn’t understand what was going on until I read a bit about Capos. John plays with a capo and has been ever since I saw Eric Clapton play with one. Capos are a gimmick apparently. I didn’t know it, Chris didn’t know it and John didn’t know it. No one probably knows it until they get tinto the studio. Here’s how they work. First you tune your guitar, second you put the capo on, and third, it puts the guitar out of tune sometimes. It’s supposed to eliminate the need of tuning your guitar to different tunings…but it fails. It’s a bad invention and shouldn’t have publically been released. I might have to talk about it on my show.
So we got rid of the Capo and John basically has to relearn the music without it, which in theory wouldn’t be too hard. Sometimes it’s hard to forget that I’m working with musicians who aren’t experts. It’s not a bad thing either. They play the music just as good as experts would play them. The difference between the experts and us is flexibility. If an expert were to learn the music and then I say “let’s play it in a different key” they’d be able to. I can’t even do that and I don’t expect the rest of the band to…but when you hear the music all of a sudden you think we’re experts in each instrument that we play. It’s kind of cool…but then reality strikes…good thing we caught this mistake early…rather than when we play live and people complain about the guitar being out of tune.
It’s funny, I was thinking about the world earlier and then I heard a rough draft of After the Atomics then started thinking about the band and myself again. I used to write more about the world and not my own problems huh? That’s because living in the comfort of college/work made me do that. I think it makes everyone do that. College is over now…no more comfort…but just for a millisecond, I was comfortable. It felt good. I wonder if I’ll ever feel like that again. Maybe when all of that is over and the dust settles. Phoenix Splash is a monster and raking in money…I can live in comfort…I think now….that’s all I want. This is just all I know how to do.
January 10, 2016
It astounds me how long guitar took to record, but it’s finally done…or at least I hope it is. I’m sure I have enough stuff I can edit with. Studying has kind of been put on a back burner and I’m supposed to be finished by February…but all I can think about is this…because no one else will. Sure, there are those times when it’s quiet and all I can do is wait for the next rehearsal…or wait for everything to grow…but the amount of time and energy this all takes is pretty surreal…not to mention the stress…If only stress made me lose weight…it does the opposite in fact. I don’t want to know how much weight I’ve gained.
Quite honestly, I don’t know how to feel right now…or how to think. It’s freezing temperatures and all I have is a blanket and a pillow. I’m expected to sleep and die from freezing to death. Music is swallowing me up and eating me alive…everything I do in life is surrounded by it. It’s a scary thing. Josh DeL is nothing if you eliminate the music aspect of it…and most people hate the music aspect of it. They look down on it. Maybe it’s intimidation…maybe it’s something convoluted…but I know that if my music sucked then none of the band members would still be around. They’d all be like Tyler. Tyler looked down on all of us regardless of what Anthony says. He’s a more selfish version of Chris. He’s fooled Anthony and Caitlyn into thinking that he has a low self-esteem…but I see through it…because he has no idea how it is to feel helpless even though you’ve given it your all. He was just looking for a way out…because he believed that he was better than all of us.
“You’re the only musician I respect Josh”
Why did he say that? Was it to play to a nonexistent ego? Like Karen would say to Chris, “Your songs are gonna get famous”…well maybe she had other reasons. When he said that, I thought about what he was actually saying. “Chris and Anthony are worthless compared to me and you”. Everyone has an underlining meaning. John does that stuff too. I don’t know why I’m thinking about him. I think it’s because we recorded Guitar and I can’t help but think what would be different if Tyler were still here.
Obviously, if he were still here, this album would still be on the fence, or the band would’ve broken up all together by now because of his absence…but I’m thinking about if he were here and he actually tried. Technical wise…I guess it’s not worth thinking about…in a way, John is actually the better guitar player. Not by much, but from what I’ve heard. Maybe it was because Tyler didn’t care, so he didn’t put as much effort into this as much as John is. Maybe…maybe I just shouldn’t care about hypothetical thinking. As far as I’m concerned, John plays his parts and Tyler is silent. Anthony brought him up twice last time as if to test how we would react if he said the name “Tyler”. I don’t know what to say to him…maybe I should just tell him what Tyler said to me and let him interpret it in whatever way he wants…but Anthony is blind to Tyler. I used to be too…but to be honest I don’t want to see him again. Even if he gets famous and I don’t, I wouldn’t go up to him and say “give me a chance”. I’d probably just reflect on how awful reality is.
It’s kind of cool playing with John, but at the same time, I’m watching everything I say. One wrong word and it’s war…but I think I’m getting better at saying the right words. There’s no need to be critical…even though that’s what has made me better. I think just blunt honesty is the answer. Saying what it is. “You need to practice that a bit more and get it clean” is better than saying “that was awful”. Change stickings, change fingerings. That’s what’s best for this band. This isn’t music school…this isn’t even jazz…this is rock and roll. All it takes is a little hard work from them and they can do it. I feel like it’s drawn us closer too as brothers. Maybe this was the way it should’ve been all along…maybe I should’ve approached him first. Maybe all of this is fate.
January 14, 2016
Man, the days are passing by. Lately, it’s been hard to catch up to where I’m supposed to be…I feel like it’s all ahead of me and I’m constantly running…and yet I’m still gaining weight. I basically had no rest today, I just woke up and started to do everything….and there’s so much that needs to be done. I’m kind of going insane…I feel insecure about myself and pretty much everything I’m doing. I keep thinking that After all this, Chris’s songs will be loved more and I worked harder than him…that’s just the way things go usually. I feel like shit, I look like shit and people will still pretend that I don’t do much. There’s no G to tell everyone how hard I’m working…just people pretending they worked as just as hard…maybe…maybe that won’t happen with this band…this isn’t percussion ensemble. I hope our voices don’t ruin everything. Almost to the vocals. Guitars are finished…and the drums are on their way to be edited.
I bet you think that all we have to do is record each instrument and all have a Merry Christmas…no…if it were that easy, I’d be a sane person. They don’t play perfect, so I edit…things don’t record perfect so I mix and try to find the best sound I can…and then hope to god that people give it a chance…by the end, I hope they give it a chance…not like they do the Game Analyzer anyway…it’s really hard to get people’s attention nowadays…and I’m here just hoping enough people give me a chance to support me….I need…to do this for a living and quit the Pharmacy Job that I don’t have yet….but that’s what’s on my mind…I’m not exactly sure how early I’m going to wake up tomorrow…but I should be okay…I’ve been waking up late and staying up late…getting 8 hours of sleep is important..but I think I need to fix my sleep schedule…somehow…Anthony’s a good friend to Tyler always having faith in him…I guess with me, it’s always a competition. I don’t know why I’m bringing that up again…I think it’s because I want to tell him so bad what Tyler really is…but I know I won’t.
I never do stuff like that…and when I get the courage to tell things like they are…everything usually backfires on me….fuck.
January 16, 2016
Time just keeps on passing by doesn’t it? Sometimes I wonder how long is everything going to take to happen…like why doesn’t it just hurry. How is all of it even going to happen? Of course, I have to make it happen…but will it be enough? I see a lot of people trying to make a name for themselves and it just gets me thinking…”is this just going to be like that?” Hopefully that’s where the music comes in…hopefully, the music is good enough…because when you come from nothing, everything has to be perfect or else you’ll stay like nothing. It’s incredibly scary…
Today was weird, it was like I couldn’t really focus on one thing…therefore, hardly anything got done…maybe it’s the weather or something. I felt uneasy all day, even though Raeleen came over. I don’t know what it was…oh maybe I do. I had this conversation with someone about music again…it was online so he called me all kinds of rude things…but that wasn’t what bothered me. Everyone’s perception of music…and I mean everyone…it just scares me…that mentality “if people are buying their music, they must be good”. That’s basically saying you won’t give anything a chance unless they already have a following. I have a tiny following right now…but it’s not because of my music…hopefully they will turn into the music fans…hopefully…hopefully they’ll say “I’ve been here from the start”. Hopefully they’re like that.
In my position, I’m constantly thinking about what grabs people’s attention because I really really don’t want this to fail…the costumes, the look, the sound….everything. A lot of people don’t think about it, but they’re drawn to this stuff whether it be subconsciously or not. Something I’ve learned while being in retro gaming facebook groups is that the majority of people are really horny. They’ll go crazy over cosplay…it’s pretty insane.
Another thing about the internet world is that people are generally starting to hate women for some reason. They’re calling sexualized pictures non sexualized even though they are sexualized…they’re doing it pretty angrily too and people eat it up. It’s the new “deep web”. The new phase…pretending that men and women are treated equally is the new phase that the internet is going through. Men and women aren’t treated the same. Sometimes it’s better to be a woman, but a lot of times it’s just really good to be a white guy. Actually, all of the time, it’s better to be a white guy. The world just treats you better and you don’t have to prove yourself constantly.
Everyone has stereo types about certain people. Black people are lazy, Mexicans are horny, and Asians are smart know it alls….those aren’t mine, but they’re examples people have. All of my stereotypes that I used to have about certain races have been broken. I could even name the people who broke them…but the one race that hasn’t broken any of my stereotypes is the White American Male. He always puts himself above anyone else who isn’t a white American Male even if he barely knows you. He puts himself first and gets pretty much anything he wants. Now, I don’t hate them, but man…I think they are my enemy…of course when they get older it’s different…I don’t think G ever condescended to me too much…but man at my age, they’ve been taught that they are the superior race…the whole women thing kind of makes me think about that.
Now I’m sure some are really cool and I just haven’t met them yet, but every one of them that I’ve met in person are just vile and manipulative. I hate this reality I live in….because they hold all of the keys.
January 18, 2016
I guess I’m thinking about the society I live in…to be honest, I don’t think I fit into any society. All my life, I’ve never been at the top, or I’ve never made the best grades. I was interested in music and that was about it. I didn’t realize that people of my class don’t get to do music the way I wanted to…not that it’s impossible, but it rarely happens. I guess that’s why I always felt like killing myself all of the time. I never really did fit in with any group of people. Even the band nerds, I didn’t really much care for marching band. I always felt it was a load of crap.
I cared about my grades though…but only because people told me to care about my grades. The fear of being left behind always scared me. Even now whenever I’m in a class, I always make sure I do the best I can. You don’t really have to be smart to get good grades in any class. It’s all about the time you devote. I always felt uncomfortable when I wasn’t trying as hard as I could in a class…I always felt that if I were a bad student, then that would just add to the fact that I’m mediocre.
I like music, I analyze it and appreciate the beauty of a well-orchestrated piece…but no one else does. Everyone else just cares about dance really…and bursts of loud chords. I kind of just stand there when the song repeats thinking “I just heard this why am I hearing it again”? I notice that when it comes to music people are entirely different than me and will even hate me for being like it. Most of the time whenever someone says something about a musician that they like and I don’t, I just usually stay out of it. I don’t even bring up anything I like because I know that they’ll be close minded about it..because what I like doesn’t really fit into what everyone else likes.
People like to hate me and people like to use me as a substitute for someone else they really want to be with. I never understood why and I still don’t understand why. I know that I always try to be true to myself. I don’t like acting, and I know that acting is important in life, but when it comes to family and friends I try to be as true as a can. I don’t feel comfortable acting in front of people I’ve known my whole life.
I had a strange dream today…I had a dream Dad yelled at me for grabbing a paper towel…I told my family in a very quiet voice that “one day, you all are going to wake up and you’ll see my body on the floor with it’s brains blown out…you’ll keep asking ‘why did he do this’ and come to the conclusion that I just had a problem…but really, it was you and everyone else in my life that lead me to that”. Later in the dream I started crying uncontrollably in the rain. I stared at Hank’s grave and the scene was pretty vivid. I started walking with a bunch of other people to this garden. The rain was pretty heavy. It was then I realized that we all went to this garden to die. People started jumping in the ditches. Triple H was one of them for some reason. Some actress from Orange is the New Black sat with me and we started watching youtube videos.
It was a strange dream, but it stayed in my head for a while. When I woke, I felt like it was still happening….which has only happened once in my life. The whole suicide thing was pretty crazy…my dad hasn’t gotten blindly mad at me in a while…I think it’s because I do literally everything before he even asks…but I think if something were to happen again I might snap and say something like that…but people wouldn’t be the reason I commit suicide. The reason would be that I just don’t fit into society.
January 22, 2016
Wow, it doesn’t feel like it’s been four days. My sleep schedule is completely off. Just doing endless tasks…except this time, I’m working my butt off to get them finished because I just wasn’t them to be finished already. Trying to finish up Pharmacey and the album and they’re both at their critical points…well the album already got passed the most time consuming parts…or so I think. I really don’t know the first thing about mixing…actually none of us really do. I’m actually thinking about getting Pat or someone from ACC to help…get as much people to help with it and try to make sure it’s perfect…but then there’s the editing. I hope everything goes well in that department.
I heard Mastering is a whole other concept when it comes to this stuff. I don’t even know what Mastering is to be honest…I’m hoping the music will make up for all of our lack of understanding when it comes to this process. Hopefully this will be like the tale of One Punch Man where someone from out of nowhere makes something that’s so special to so many people. I hope so. I’m putting a lot of faith in the people at this point. I hope people appreciate this kind of music. I hope they don’t say “it’s too complicated”. I hope that it has enough elements to draw them in…I’ve said this before…I hope the material is so good that it doesn’t need advertising or any special tricks…with that said, I will be advertising it and doing special tricks. That’s my hope…this is my life and there really isn’t anything else I can do well except for this…this is all there is to me.
January 25, 2016
It amazes me how fast this month is flying by…there’s just so much stuff that needs to be done before it ends and it’s already ending. This is pretty much the last week of January…with that said, the band is starting rehearsals again. I could tell that everyone missed having them. Playing music is what we all enjoy and I think that’s what this is all about. Well some days I think that too. As long as I have this band I should be able to keep my sanity….at the same time I’m writing the album as a “good bye” in a way. I don’t know what will be of me after everything is said and done. Will I just be satisfied with everything? Marry Raeleen, have kids and make a living as a Pharmacy tech and just “give up” meanwhile playing music with this band and whatever comes out of it. Or will this be the last album I ever make. Will it be the last frontier to myself. This song…it pretty much has no choice but to become that.
A final goodbye…part of me wants it to be my final song…but I still have to write more for Buster Punch. Either way, it’ll be my last produced song…unless this whole thing manages to work out for me.
I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to go out there and try my damnest to get ears to listen and people to watch. I’m going to give it my all…like I always do. If it makes all of our dreams come true then “yes!” if it doesn’t then…I think it’s the end for me. I don’t belong in society. I don’t belong here. If everything republicans say is true and God only likes white people, then there really is no point of my existence.
So I don’t know what’s going to become of me…but pretty soon I’m going to end this chapter. “Tides are Turning”. It has gone on for quite a long time…a most of these chapters do.
I’ve decided that the album is going to come with a story…or a comic. It’ll have something to do with all of these thoughts…I’ll put them on the paper and let it go…of course Chris will be the author.
I think I’m pulling an all niter tonight. I just didn’t get to do as much as I wanted to today and I know that I’m not going to be able to sleep. I just want to work on the album…so I can finally sing.
January 28, 2016
I got done most of what I wanted to accomplish today. I caught up on a lot of things…like practicing, making my game, and finishing the editing. The songs are ready to be sung now. The only thing I have to do today/yesterday(it’s 3:00 am) is study which I will be doing all night until the morning. I know that if I sleep I’ll just have trouble sleeping unless what I have to do is done. I know it isn’t good for me. I also didn’t get much exercise today. I did walk to the front gate though. I uploaded the talk show in which I’m getting ready to share with the band and see if they have any ideas for videos or something…they probably won’t, but it will be worth a shot. I feel like it would be cool if they had their own videos along with Game Analyzer. Like 2 shows going on at once. Chris doesn’t really do his random camera adventures anymore and every time he does them they’re unusually titled “I die on Camera” or something like that. I guess it’s smart to get views, but views mean nothing when they click away almost right away.
That’s a good idea. I guess I’m kind of procrastinating with studying. To be honest, I’m just waiting for Raeleen’s call so I can put my computer away…I think it’s been on all day. I’ll probably add more to the mixing aspect. Just a small mix you know? We’re already going to have to change volumes anyway.
Editing is a nightmare. We actually have to re record some guitar parts in Buster Punch. I know that no one is going to be thrilled when I say that. That means we might have to miss a whole rehearsal because John is only available one day a week,
January 29, 2016
Day 2 of kissing time good bye. I no longer care what time it is. I’m not going to sleep until I finish everything. That’s just the way I’m going to be. No butts no hows. I’m in a bit of a loop right now. I’m pretty much tired all of the time…probably because I don’t sleep anymore. Sleep…that sounds so good…but I can’t, I have too much stuff to do. Why am I writing? Because I need a small break…but I think I just had one. I pretty much just studied all day…a huge stack of flash cards…I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen tomorrow…but the closer February gets, the closer I am to insanity. That’s when I’m supposed to take my test again. Album, Test, Album, Test…that’s my life right now…so I have to stay up just to practice, work on my game, or if I want to “chill”. There’s really no other way…Well I’m going to type up some lyrics so here you go.
I Miss You
It’s 3 am and the scene’s on repeat and my eyelids are glued to my head.
The sunrise has come a bit early today and it pushes its weight on my head.
I get up and pick a few dahlias for you, lay my back into the sand.
Tear drops and memories flow out to shore. I’m drowning, give me a hand.
Oh, I miss you.
Golden Shepard chases traffic, lost in chaos, I forget the way you sang along.
Is it okay to breathe? Is it okay to sink? Is it okay to let myself drown in the sea?
Is it okay to stop saying “I miss You”?
An old dog is staring, I can’t hear him speak. I reach out to shore and away from the gulls.
He stumbles and speaks the words “I miss you”.
And….”I miss you” Oh I miss you.
Thunderstorms drag me with your hymns. Take me where no humans have been.
I awake from a call from a checkered old face with my dahlias clenched in his jaws.
“Your jaw looks all fixed” I say “I’ve stranger dreams, now you’re here so lets move along”.
The flowers on your graves have more company today, followed by a reminiscing song.
I’ve come to play something you’d like to hear, you can all sing right along.
Oh I miss you, oh I miss you, Oh I miss you, Oh I miss you,
Forever and ever, and ever…
February 7, 2016
It looks like it’s getting closer to time. The time has come to write it. The “suicide note” song. Whether or not it is or isn’t is time’s quest to answer. I just know that this is the one. This is the one song that will be my story about how it all is…and how it all might end. I’m choosing to write in here before I attempt my first stab at it. I have my notes and staff paper for it already…I think the main problem was getting back into this mood…back into reality…but now I’m here and I’m here to stay. This song has been in my head for awhile. It’s really not meant to please anyone. It’s not a gimmick…or actually it’s the opposite. It’ll probably be the most “modern” sounding song we have…but it’ll be nine minutes. Which is something all songs go against….but this is my note. This is my song that will be the end of ends. Whether or not I die after or not is the question. Honestly, I can die tomorrow or the next day depending on how much luck I have.
…but this is my decision because this is my final try at life. No more going back. Sometimes I reason with myself…that I should just accept certain things that may or may not happen…but that’s not what my life was ever about. This is who I am…I’d rather live my life how I am than be a fraud. I know I haven’t written for awhile…nothing crazy has happened or anything…just more recording and a rehearsal that I will probably mention later…and a date I’ll probably mention later as well. Thinking about her is too complicated right now. She honestly deserves someone less complicated than me. People like me are probably supposed to be alone. I don’t fit in with family or any other group for that matter. Nonetheless, if it should end it would have to be my decision…but I think I’m too self-fish to let that happen. I know if I go through with this, I’ll have to do that first which will be insanely difficult…but the pain will help with the rest of the “ending”.
How would I end it? That’s the difficult part. I always imagined just sleeping and be done with it…but I may need some assistance with that. I think slitting my wrist would probably be the least painful, but I think it’s actually more painful than people think. I know that I won’t do it at home. I’ll probably drive somewhere privately and do it. Somewhere far, like that mall, in the bathroom or something. Something like that…but then someone might catch me doing it. Actually that would be inevitable. Hmm…I guess I’ll worry about that when everything is all said and done. Hopefully everything will just work out…but everything else I’ve done in life has pretty much failed. So…there’s a good chance that everyone gives up and this fails too. We have to try first though…just one more time.
February 10, 2016
Yesterday was kind of a blur…I wasn’t myself in that regard. I was pretty lazy, but still attempted to do things. I did some things successfully, but others I did not do successfully. I have a feeling today will be pretty similar since I woke up so late. No one really cares about this
February 26, 2016
I know it’s been weeks…but that’s often the case with journals…with me anyway. I guess that means nothing has really been bothering me lately. I usually come to this journal when things are a bit chaotic….but right now things are calm. Or at least that’s how they seem. That’s how it keeps me away from this journal…but I am here now because I feel like everything is on a thin line of string and can fall apart at any second. The PTCE, if I fail it this time, it may destroy me. It might all destroy me. My dad asked me today “why didn’t I put the trash on the side of the gate” assuming I’m telepathic and knew that the trash people came. I wanted to ask, “Why didn’t you all send me to u of h right after high school? Why did you send me to ACC to take stupid classes that counted for nothing”. Whenever it was John, they always pushed him for success. Sent him through all these programs and shit, but with me, they just didn’t give a shit. Always saying that I’ll be like Mike even before I graduated high school…probably assuming “the creation of Josh is God Punishing me” in her head.
It’s just sickening. My life. I feel like everything’s gone and it can’t come back. Maybe I should just start doing drugs and killing myself that way. That’s what everyone expects me to do anyway. Everyone in this world does what they’re told so why not do what people subtly tell me to do. Just be a failure. I can’t even pass a test that people say is “easy”. I can’t do a lot of things that matter. All I can do is things that don’t matter to many people. I can do things that people think is easy, but isn’t…and they think that they could do it if they wanted to…but they couldn’t. I know I try not to be boastful, but…no one can do what I do…
At least that’s what I have to tell myself sometimes. I never try to be over confident, but I’m all I have when it comes to confidence. I have to tell myself that I’m worth something to drown out the voices that say I’m a failure. No one else will do it. You might think, Raeleen? But honestly, she doesn’t say much unless I instigate it. I don’t like saying “please tell me I’m good”. I shouldn’t have to say it…but with her, I don’t think she understands how to make me feel better. When she comes over, all she has to do is smile and be there so that I can escape this miserable world where I am lost…but how long can it last? This cycle.
One thing’s for certain, after the PTCE, pass or fail, I’m moving out of here whether anyone likes it or not. Getting famous is one thing, but I just can’t be happy here. I just want to live in my own house with my own stuff. I’m tired of the barking and yelling, and most of all the fucking blaming that I constantly have to face. I know it’s all little stuff, but it gets really annoying. I just want to work, make music, and live. I don’t care what comes of it, but I’ll never stop, because I never have stopped before. I might not have kids like Raeleen wants and if she wants to leave me then that’s fine. I just want to live and be happy. Being happy in this house is completely impossible. I don’t care if I have to learn to live “the hard way” I’m sure as hell ain’t gonna learn how to pay taxes living here. That’s the hold my parents have on me. “You don’t know how to do taxes, you don’t know how to wash cloths etc” I’ll figure it out. Just like I’ve figured out how to do pretty much everything else….
The fact is that no one gives two shits about me. No one is really looking out for me and no one has ever looked out for me…but oh how they pretend. They pretend so they could get something out of me. In the end it’s filthy….Just one question triggered all of this thinking.
“Why didn’t you put the trash on the other side of the fence?”
That’s all it took to make me get really angry. That’s all it took to ruin my day. I’m tired of living here.
February 28, 2016
It amazes me how much of everything around me is negative. So negative that at times I have to tune out of my life and into a fictional reality. Today I was debating about going to nursing, but was reminded of how bad I just want to move out of this house. I really can’t be happy here….but I think I’ve had this discussion before. Today was a celebration of Chris’s birthday. He’s 26. I can’t believe we’re all growing up. It seems like me and him are just trapped in this cycle of not knowing what will become of this life that we live. My cousin Tasha and my Uncle Mike are kind of in the same boat…well maybe not Tasha…but yeah, I feel pretty strange today. Chris gets off my parent’s insurance because he’s turned 26, but he doesn’t have a job. At least he’s had one. The only thing that I’ve had are free jobs where I don’t get paid, or paid very little.
It just made me think about how long I’ve been playing this same song and dance and how it doesn’t seem to end. Study, band, talk show, rinse and repeat. I’ve been doing it for a full year now and some things have changed, but I still don’t get money from any of the things I’m doing. It’s kind of hard to be patient when all you want to do is prove people in this world wrong and that dreams do come true. I feel like I can’t do anything, like even today, I’m too tired to do anything. Like my previous post, I think that maybe I should just do drugs and constantly avoid reality….but that’s impossible…to just let go of everything…I might as well commit suicide…that’s what I’m planning though isn’t it?
To kill myself? That’s what this final song is supposed to be about anyway. I still don’t know what to call it. “The collab”. The band is the only thing that has progressed in this whole situation. I took a practice PTCB exam and felt like I would’ve failed it again…I barely passed. When I took the real one, I barely failed. So I’m still in the red zone. Tomorrow, I’m going to look at the questions, answer them and take a bunch of quizlets all day…and possibly all night. Maybe quizlets are the answer to passing all exams. Postal, Police etc…even tests in colleges were all linked to quizlets.
What was I talking about? Oh right, the collab. It sounds pretty interesting right now. It sounds way better than what I had in my head. It truly is a “last act”. When they all decide to leave, and Phoenix Splash is what it is…maybe that’s when I end too…I’ll disappear along with the act, and it’ll just be a memory that touched a certain amount of people. I hope it touches the world, but we’ve seen what happens when I have “positive thinking” and “hope” it all usually bites me in the ass. I’m sure positive thinking works for some people, but there’s nothing more painful than having positive thinking and high hopes only to have them shattered. It’s a feeling that I’m all too familiar with. I’m sure Raeleen would move on from me and go to one of the other guys lined up. This band is really all I have.
To be honest, I’m not sure what to believe any more about love and reality. A lot of times I just want to be free from this world. All these rules set in place by people who killed my ancestors…and are proud of doing it in the back of their heads. Maybe I wish I lived in a simpler time, but I’m sure even that’s hell…when I play with the band though, it all feels like hope is in the air. Everything is working out so far with it…even if it’s fate, or answer to the prayers I’ve been putting forth. That’s right I’m praying again. I haven’t prayed since I was a kid…but praying seems to help me. I’m not praying to Jesus, or the “God” in the bible. I’m just praying in general to a perfect creator who is more kind and rational that the most kindest and rational human beings. I prayed that band rehearsal would work out well and it did. Everyone was there, and John knew his part. I had to teach Caitlin, but that’s on me. I need to start giving her the opportunity to learn the music rather than expecting them to figure it out.
That’s my day though…I really need to start writing in here regularly again. I feel a lot better now.
March 5, 2016
I can’t believe how much time just passes by these days. I can’t believe it’s already been a year since the whole U of H thing happen and has already been a year since Game Analyzer started. Time…sucks. These new songs are already a year old…actually they’re older….but I don’t want to talk about that…I want to talk about Hayabusa…I’m going to address him in the talk show, so I think I’ll leave it here too.
(Insert RIP Hayabusa piece)
Still March 5, 2016
Some days I feel so good. I don’t think I write about good days enough…sometimes I just too busy feeling good. Even though I don’t have a job yet, I have it pretty good. I have a band, which is something I’ve always wanted when I was growing up. I have a girlfriend…all I need is the…job. At least that’s how I feel today. “Get Famous or die” is probably how I’ll feel tomorrow….but in this scenario, what if I did have a job? If I were able to just live on my own, have the band, have Raeleen…would that be all I need? Even if we weren’t famous? That strikes my mind sometimes…but I haven’t really wrote about it. Don’t be worried though, I’m still putting this album up on Itunes and promoting it. I’m still going to try my damnest to get this music heard…but what if this was it…of course adding shows to the equation and music videos…what if this right now(plus a job and my own place) was my life?
It’s happy thinking. I’m happy when I think about it to be honest. I’m happy when I’m content with what I have. These people are really good people. This band is a really good band. Probably the best group that I’ve ever been a part of. Everyone cares about the music rather than just about themselves. John and I are closer now…everything is good today. Everyone is happy…at least that’s what I think. I’m happy today. I feel really good. I know Sunday and Monday I probably won’t feel as good as I do today…so I’m going to relish in it. Raeleen has been seeing me twice a week…I have her for life. Maybe this is all I need…but not all I’m going to get. No matter what, I’m going to try to get our music out there to as many ears as possible and never stop. That’s what’s gonna happen.
April 2, 2016
Man…I know it’s been awhile…I know I know…I think it’s because I didn’t want to come back to this journal until after April 11, which is my test….but I’m pretty bored right now even though I have about a million things to do. It’s 3 am and I’m waiting for Chris to get home so I can go to bed. Band rehearsal in the morning. We’re finally going to start learning the collab song which is…pretty much my suicide note.
Yeah, it’s turning out that way anyway. A suicide note I should say…in all honesty, it could apply to anyone…but my vision I had of it came true. I present it as my last song…but I don’t know if it will be my last song I ever write. I know I still have to write some more tunes for Buster Punch…and I was even thinking about starting up some new simple original songs that would be quick to make…or covers…because my talk show is doing so well. Well as well as a small talk show could do.
I’m really close to just going to bed and letting Chris just come whenever he wants. He hasn’t even looked at the song yet which is pretty sad. I already have an idea of how rehearsal is going to end up. I need to try not to be angry…but the most angriest people I know are often the most successful. I guess crying for things really gets you them. It’s the suckers who hand out lollipops to crying babies that get screwed. The people who “grow up” are always held down by the babies…and that’s the new way I look at life. The more deep I get into my talk show the more information I get about people. Most people who come across my stuff are usually down to earth people…but once in awhile I’ll get some convoluted comment that doesn’t make any sense. People are brainwashed and I’m beginning to see just how easy it is to brainwash people. Not that I’ll try it or anything, but people get brainwashed by the most simplest things. The people who get brainwashed totally outnumber the people that do…so when it comes to voting there really isn’t a point. You can think all day about who you want to vote for, but at the end of the day people cancel out your vote with the most thoughtless choice.
I, like pretty much everyone I know, always looked down on communism…but the more I think about it, the better off I think people would be. People do what they’re told anyway. “Don’t talk about 9/11” “Cut your Hair”. America is already a communist country anyway…we just pretend we’re not. That’s my thought about it anyway. I don’t know why I’m even mentioning it.
Raeleen came over and we reminisced about the past. Can you believe I’ve been keeping a journal for more than 10 years? That’s pretty insane. Most of them are handwritten, but I can see myself typing these journals for the next 10 years and have oceans of texts that outline my story. What will come of that? Maybe there won’t be a next ten years.
Well I don’t really know what to say…but I feel like tomorrow is going to be surreal…or aggravating. Chris is really letting me down today. He told me he’d be home by 12…and it’s 3 am. I want to sleep for the first time in a long time and then this shit happens. I could already see tomorrow’s excuses “I didn’t have time” bull shit. Maybe tomorrow won’t be surreal. Maybe it’ll be like all the other rehearsals….where there’s always someone who’s just not getting it. I can’t express how annoying it is when I realize that the people I’m working with don’t really give 100%.
April 14, 2016
Well you can tell can’t you? It’s passed the 11th…my test, did I pass or did I fail? Well this is the last chapter of “The Tides are turning”…because they are. I passed…so that opens up a new chapter in my life doesn’t it? No more studying! These past few days I’ve been kind of in a trance…I’m kind of in disbelief that it happened. I was mentally preparing to fail… even though I studied day and night often neglecting the world and my own body…but that part is over now.
There’s going to be some new challenges now, because now it’s time for the transition period. Finally getting a job…moving out. I wonder how it’s all going to be.
I suppose the failure period of my life is over. I don’t know why I was in a such a slump…but it is what it is. I’ll start a new journal pretty soon. Chris keeps talking so it’s a bit hard to write…so until next time. I’ll see you around friend. The tides have turned.